Maria Semple - Whered You Go, Bernadette: A Novel

In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the authors intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the authors rights.

For Poppy Meyer

The first annoying thing is when I ask Dad what he thinks happened to Mom, he always says, Whats most important is for you to understand its not your fault. Youll notice that wasnt even the question. When I press him, he says the second annoying thing, The truth is complicated. Theres no way one person can ever know everything about another person.

Mom disappears into thin air two days before Christmas without telling me? Of course its complicated. Just because its complicated, just because you think you cant ever know everything about another person, it doesnt mean you cant try.

It doesnt mean I cant try.

M ONDAY , N OVEMBER

Galer Street School is a place where compassion, academics, and global connectitude join together to create civic-minded citizens of a sustainable and diverse planet.

Student: Bee Branch

Grade: Eight

Teacher: Levy

COMMENTS: Bee is a pure delight. Her love of learning is infectious, as are her kindness and humor. Bee is unafraid to ask questions. Her goal is always deep understanding of a given topic, not merely getting a good grade. The other students look to Bee for help in their studies, and she is always quick to respond with a smile. Bee exhibits extraordinary concentration when working alone; when working in a group, she is a quiet and confident leader. Of special note is what an accomplished flutist Bee continues to be. The year is only a third over, but already I am mourning the day Bee graduates from Galer Street and heads out into the world. I understand she is applying to boarding schools back east. I envy the teachers who get to meet Bee for the first time, and to discover for themselves what a lovely young woman she is.

*

That night at dinner, I sat through Mom and Dads Were-so-proud-of-yous and Shes-a-smart-ones until there was a lull.

You know what it means, I said. The big thing it means.

Mom and Dad frowned question marks at each other.

You dont remember? I said. You told me when I started Galer Street that if I got perfect grades the whole way through, I could have anything I wanted for a graduation present.

I do remember, Mom said. It was to ward off further talk of a pony.

Thats what I wanted when I was little, I said. But now I want something different. Arent you curious what it is?

Im not sure, Dad said. Are we?

A family trip to Antarctica! I pulled out the brochure Id been sitting on. It was from an adventure travel company that does cruises to exotic places. I opened it to the Antarctica page and passed it across the table. If we go, it has to be over Christmas.

This Christmas? Mom said. Like in a month? She got up and started stuffing empty take-out containers into the bags theyd been delivered in.

Dad was already deep into the brochure. Its their summer, he said. Its the only time you can go.

Because ponies are cute. Mom tied the handles in a knot.

What do you say? Dad looked up at Mom.

Isnt this a bad time for you because of work? she asked him.

Were studying Antarctica, I said. Ive read all the explorers journals, and Im doing my presentation on Shackleton. I started wiggling in my chair. I cant believe it. Neither of you are saying no.

I was waiting for you, Dad said to Mom. You hate to travel.

I was waiting for you, Mom said back. You have to work.

Oh my God. Thats a yes! I jumped out of my chair. Thats a yes! My joy was so infectious that Ice Cream woke up and started barking and doing victory laps around the kitchen table.

Is that a yes? Dad asked Mom over the crackling of plastic take-out containers being crammed into the trash.

Thats a yes, she said.

*

T UESDAY , N OVEMBER

From: Bernadette Fox

To: Manjula Kapoor

Manjula,

Something unexpected has come up and Id love it if you could work extra hours. From my end, this trial period has been a lifesaver. I hope its working for you, too. If so, please let me know ASAP because I need you to work your Hindu magic on a huge project.

OK: Ill stop being coy.

You know I have a daughter, Bee. (Shes the one you order the medicine for and wage valiant battle with the insurance company over.) Apparently, my husband and I told her she could have anything she wanted if she graduated middle school with straight As. The straight As have arrivedor should I say straight Ss, because Galer Street is one of those liberal, grades-erode-self-esteem-type schools (lets hope you dont have them in India)and so what does Bee want? To take a family trip to Antarctica!

Of the million reasons I dont want to go to Antarctica, the main one is that it will require me to leave the house. You might have figured out by now thats something I dont much like to do. But I cant argue with Bee. Shes a good kid. She has more character than Elgie and I and the next ten guys combined. Plus shes applying to boarding school for next fall, which shell of course get into because of said As. Whoops, Ss! So it would be in pretty bad taste to deny Buzzy this.

The only way to get to Antarctica is by cruise ship. Even the smallest one has 150 passengers, which translates into me being trapped with 149 other people who will uniquely annoy the hell out of me with their rudeness, waste, idiotic questions, incessant yammering, creepy food requests, boring small talk, etc. Or worse, they might turn their curiosity toward me, and expect pleasantry in return. Im getting a panic attack just thinking about it. A little social anxiety never hurt anyone, am I right?

If I give you the info, could you pretty please take over the paperwork, visas, plane tickets, everything involved with getting we three from Seattle to the White Continent? Is this something you have time for?

Say yes,

Bernadette

Oh! You already have credit card numbers to pay for airfare, trip, and accoutrements. But in terms of your salary, Id like you to take it directly out of my personal account. When Elgie saw the Visa charge for your work last montheven though it wasnt much moneyhe wasnt thrilled that Id hired a virtual assistant from India. I told him I wouldnt be using you anymore. So, if we could, Manjula, lets keep our romance an illicit one.

*

From: Manjula Kapoor

To: Bernadette Fox

Dear Ms. Fox,

It would be my pleasure to assist you with your family travel plans to Antarctica. Attached please find the contract for moving forward on a full-time basis. Where indicated, please include your bank routing number. I look forward to our continued collaboration.