Grady Sedgwick - Depression, Drugs, and Driving All Night: An Essay

Allrights reserved 2013

Bluefoot Publishing

Contact the author here:

gradysedgwick@gmail.com

Afriend told me her name is Candice. She smokes cigarettes but wont touchalcohol, the exact opposite of me. I like her skinny legs, short brown hairand, especially the way she almostnot quitebut almost goes out of her way tosay hi to me. We see each other nearly every day at Coffee Waves in PortAransas, a small town on a small island off the coast of Texas. She reads booksand talks to people. I write on my laptop. I definitely want to meet her, butif she finds out that I live in a van... well, it just wouldnt work. (Yes,Im in a minor slump.) Nevertheless, the ball is in my court and its time tomake something happen. If I dont introduce myself soon, she might think Imnot interested.

Heresthe idea Ive been tossing around: unload everything from my vanfood, clothes,etc.into a friends garage, then ask Candice for a lunch date and hope shedoesnt figure out how low Ive fallen. Wed eat on the mainland, away fromfriends who might out me, because Im so bored with Island restaurants. Wedgo to her apartment, because my place is a such a mess. Its an idea thatmight work, for a while anyway, then shell ask where I live (probably thefirst date), and Ill have to lie to her. Thats okay, by the time she findsout the truth, she may have lost interest. I may have lost interest too.

Onthe other hand, maybe not. Candice could be the one. From what her friends havetold me, she seems right. Lets say she inspires me to get a job and rent anapartment, theres still one overriding problem, an elephant-in-the-roomproblem big enough to ruin everything: At some point shell be there to witnessa colossal shut down, my shut down. While Im only in a minor slump now, Ioccasionally sink much lower. If Candice sees this, shell surely run. Itshappened before. Its a problem Ive had since high school. How do you fakenormalcy and pretend to be engaged in life when the sun has gone down? How doyou continue in a relationship after telling a girlfriend, My life is gettingdark, just take your things and go.

Atnight I either park my van at the Aransas Pass Ship Channel or find an isolatedspot in the back of Charlies Pasture. This morning I woke up at the channel.There were no mosquitoes buzzing inside the van, and the spring winds felt niceblowing through the open windows. Out in the channel, a crew-boat cut throughthe waves on her way to the oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico. I reached for a jugof water, had a few sips and put on my shorts before stepping out into thesand. A woman was standing on the jetty reeling in a redfish, while her husbandtold her how to do it. Keep your line tight, he said. Dont let him get inthe rocks. It had been an easy decision. There was nothing leftno job, nomoney, and not enough energy to start overso I moved into my van.

Sittingin the front passenger seat, I turned on the radio and listened to an NPR storyabout a doctor whos been treating clinically depressed patients with Ketamine.Traditional antidepressants have worked miracles for some people, giving themtheir lives back, but antidepressants are not always effective and sometimesonly work for a couple years. Usually for me, they dont work at all. When youget low and desperate, and the good doctor starts pushing the same drug on you thathis drug rep is pushing on him, some people get fooled by false hopeslikemeseveral times.

ThisKetamine drug sounds different though, and the NPR story is impossible toignore. Candice is impossible to ignore too. She deserves better than a despondent,unsuccessful writer living in a van, so after spending the day thinking aboutit, I decide to summon up the energy for one last great effort. If it works, ifKetamine helps me return to the living: Hi Candice, Im Grady Sedgwick. Itsnice to finally meet you.

Surfinginternet websites, I learned that Ketamine was first developed as a battlefieldanesthesia for the Vietnam War and is now used in veterinary medicine as ahorse tranquilizer. Its also used as a club drug called Special-K. Whenrecreational users do too much of it, they go into the K-Hole, which is adangerous place to be. On a discussion page at hipforums.com, someone askedwhich is better, snorting the powder or shooting up the liquid. One guyresponded, You wanna go instant fucking K-Hole, then shoot it up. No, Man, notrecommendedworst drug experience of my life.

Peopledrive around Port Aransas in golf carts, drink beer at The Gaff and go fishingoff the jetties. I couldnt be in a better place. The showers on the beach arefree. The bathhouse on top of the sand dunes has a sink and metal mirror forshaving. It all works, living in a van on the Island, but Im stuck. Ive beenstuck for three years, and even here, the best place Ive ever lived, thethought of improving my life by rejoining the worldfishing with friends,finding a job, and renting an apartmenthasnt seemed worth the effort. Idrather spend my days writing at Coffee Waves, my nights inside the vansweatingin summer, wrapped in a sleeping bag in winterbut I know thats just thedepression talking. If this Ketamine drug will lift a little of the darkness,Ill take it from there and put my life back together.

Afterasking around Corpus Christi, the closest city to Port Aransas, Im starting torealize that finding a local doctor to administer Ketamine is going to beimpossible. Using it to treat depression is too experimental. The good newsthough, I found several hospitals and universities that recently startedtesting Ketamine in clinical trials: Baylor College of Medicine, NationalInstitutes of Health, and Mount Sinai in Manhattan. Over the past couple weeks,Ive applied to all three and answered several questions via email and over thephone. They need to make sure Im drug resistant and that Ive never had apsychotic episode.

Everythingseems to be moving along well enough except for two issues. One, at clinicaltrials theres a fifty percent chance of never receiving the actual drug, onlya placebo. Two, none of the hospitals are willing to continue treatments longterm, which means, after five weeks, even if the drug is working, Ill beshit-outa-luck. So when a doctor from Baylor asked me to drive to Houston for aconsultation, I told him no thanks.

Theonly doctor in this country I can find whos currently using Ketamine in hisprivate practice, is Dr. Levine in Princeton, New Jersey. His credentials lookimpressive: Tulane School of Medicine and Johns Hopkins. So after several phoneand email conversations with him, I cash in a life insurance policy and leavefor Princeton.

...

Northof Waco, I pull off Interstate 35 at a rest area and crawl into the back of myvan to spend the night. In the past, whenever I noticed people deludingthemselves with wishful thinking, I was always quick to judge, quick to pointout lousy reasoning, yet now I wonder if Im doing the same thing.

Atfour in the morning someone knocks on the van. My first thought is police,something Ive experienced a number of times, although in Texas its legal tospend one night at a rest stop. I unzip my sleeping bag, wiggle out of it andsee a woman standing beside the front passenger window, still knocking on myvan. I climb into the front passenger seat and roll down the window to see whatshe wants. She first gives me a bullshit story about running out of gas andneeding money. Then she gets honest and steps back from my window to show offthe entire sloppy package. Im offering services to lonely travelers.

No,thanks, I tell her, not without a little regret though.

OnInterstate 40 through the middle of Tennessee there isnt much to listen to onthe radio. Most of the stations broadcast gospel music, yet at the same time,many of the highway exits have huge billboards advertising adult video storeswith names like Cupids Outlet, Open 24 hours... A Touch of Class.