Steven Berglas - Reclaiming the Fire: How Successful People Overcome Burnout

In 1991 Don, the CEO of a multimillion-dollar trucking conglomerate, came to me because he feared job stress would kill him. At our first meeting I saw a severely overweight man who looked fifteen years older than his age. Given Dons ostensible reason for seeking psychotherapy, I was incredulous when he discussed building his business with the pride befitting a self-made man. He never once hinted of suffering while on the job. Hard-pressed to determine why Don would claim the love of his life was threatening his health, I urged him to describe his other lovehis wife. Then I knew why he had come to see me.

Don and his wife were childlessby choice, he claimed. Although Don maintained that his wife, a former beauty queen, was a phenomenal woman, something was missing from his description. When he noted how beautiful she was about a dozen times more, listed all the social service agencies she belonged to, and went on about what a fantastic hostess she was, I felt I needed to ask him about his sex life. He immediately became testy: I thought I was here to deal with a problem inside this head, he said, gesturing to his skull. I guess what they say about shrinks is true; all you guys focus on is the other head.

Eventually Don confessed that sex isnt a big part of my marriage, despite the fact that before they married he had been somewhat of a Lothario. Yet for a variety of complex reasons he married a woman who despised sexual contact with him. More important, it was obvious that this fact was taking a severe toll on his health.

After several sessions I learned how bad Dons relationship with his wife was: It took Don and his bride six months to consummate their marriage. Now, over fourteen years later, their only form of sexual contact (less than once a month) was intercourse in a darkened room. In fact, Don was not allowed to see his wife naked.

When I expressed my belief that living as he did could readily cause his symptoms of stress (panic attacks and carbohydrate cravings) Don disagreed: Youre wrong. I cope with my wifes problem quite well by visiting massage parlors on the way home from work each day. Im sure I get more sex than anyone you know; its just that I pay for it directly and there are some risks. When I explored what Don meant by risks, I uncovered the true source of his stress. It turned out his panic attacks had started soon after the AIDS virus made headlines. At first, when the press assumed the disease was restricted to homosexual men, Don ignored the dangers inherent in his lifestyle. Yet the moment that falsehood was dispelled, he began to fear for his life.

Don was experiencing panic attacks because he was trapped in a no-win situation: He was convinced that there was no possibility of developing normal sexual relations with his wife, and he believed that his continued contact with prostitutes (he refused to wear condoms) would expose him to HIV. But because discontinuing his visits to massage parlors would doom him to a functionally celibate existence, he was battling to suppress his rage toward his wife and his fear of contagion.

Once Don and I agreed that it was impossible for him to make progress in our work unless he brought his wife to a session, in which the three of us could explore the possibility of their beginning sex therapy, I felt his problems could be solved. How wrong I was. When I told Dons wife that I believed his stress stemmed from tension in the marriage rather than at the workplace, she readily agreed with me. Unfortunately, she anticipated my referral to sex therapy and beat me to the punch: If youre suggesting that I adjust my lifestyle to accommodate Dons lust, forget it. His need for sex is his problem. With that, she left the office.

Don and I had two more sessions, but he didnt see things my way. His rationale for refusing to address the true cause of his problem had nothing to do with love for his wife and everything to do with his fear of being humiliated. If my wife discovered that I visited massage parlors or thought I would push her to have sex, shed leave me. And if she did, shed tell the world about our marriage and Id be the laughingstock of the community.

Sadly, I learned that five years after he stopped seeing me Don suffered a massive heart attack and died. While I cannot say that his rage at being trapped in a sexless marriage was the cause of his demise, I am certain that had he been able to admit that his wifes contempt for sex was tearing his guts out, and remain in his marriage while addressing the problem, Don would still be alive. But many men like Don are socialized to avoid what they perceive to be the shame of vulnerability. In their minds, admitting a problem of this magnitude would expose them to unbearable emotional pain.

The emotions that led to Dons demise are the reason I counsel men to think like women. Specifically, I advise that men abandon social status concerns, which are typically based solely on power as opposed to affection, and strive to build relationships that stem from being cared for as a person. I give this advice despite the fact that a womans propensity for interpersonal connectedness is often disrespected by high-achieving men. For them, arriving isnt being embraced by a group or being cared for; it involves having, controlling, or owning resources that afford commercial power and command overt respect.

The truth is that the connectedness women are socialized to strive for has nothing in common with the maladaptive forms of staying the course that result in escalations of commitment. Sewell Avery persevered on a misguided course of action while refusing to acknowledge the pain that potential failure was causing him. Similarly, anecdotal reports maintain that executives suffering from escalation of commitment react to negative inputs by projecting painful psychological feelings outward: Anyone who expresses doubt about the wisdom of their policies gets excoriated.

The stereotypical successful person doesnt bend to the needs of others. His mantra is Im not the type to get ulcers; I give them. This attitude, embodied by former New York City mayor Ed Koch (who coined that phrase), does much more than assert dominance and control. It conveys an unwillingness to attend to emotionsparticularly negative onesand suggests that those who do are weaker. Most men who adopt this tough-guy stance will readily admit that feeling emotional pain is not manly. But who said that the manly approach to ones career, business, or personal success was adaptive? Chainsaw Al Dunlap has gone the way of the dodo bird; maybe its time to rethink macho attitudes toward success.

If youre still on the fence about the value of opening yourself to the pain that may ensue from embracing critics or sticking your neck out to preserve a relationship, consider what happened to another client of mine. Davids unwillingness to acknowledge vulnerability and dependence on others caused the most needless case of professional suicide Ive ever seen.