Christopher R. Weingarten - Hipster Puppies

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Table of Contents

REGISTERED TRADEMARKMARCA REGISTRADA

Set in Bethold Akidenz Grotesk

Designed by Pauline Neuwirth

Printed in the United States of America

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

PUBLISHERS NOTE

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the authors rights is appreciated.

FOR MOM

A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO THE PEOPLE OF THE FUTURE!

Greetings from 2010 to the distant futures archeologists, the excavators of half-realized time capsules and our potential alien overlords.... Congratulations! You have truly made a wonderful discovery on this day!

Welcome to Hipster Puppies, the inaugural recipient of the Pulitzer Prize for Snarky Animal-Based Captions, Toilet-Tank Division. Id like to thank you in advance for actually reading the humble introduction to this tome. Traditionally, the people of my era use this time to rapidly flip through the pages and mutter indignantly about how they could have just as easily written this shit.

Id like to tell you a little about my life in 2010. I live in a borough called Brooklyn. It was originally settled by the Dutch, which is why its inhabitants are colloquially called variations on the archaic term dutchbag. In 2010, Brooklyns poorest and most listless citizens rule. This is because we have long since abandoned paper money in favor of a makeshift economy made solely of cocaine, toothy blow jobs and cred. Our national language is smugness. A city council meeting unanimously agreed that our motto should just be a pair of rolled eyes, which we lovingly stitched to a flag made of American Apparel hoodies, party flyers and beard lice. Our state flower is fuck this shit.

If our citizens have one thing in common, its that we all loathe being called hipsters.

Currently, lexicologists have confirmed approximately 48,000 different meanings for the word hipster. The one most agree on is anyone who cares more about music and fashion than me. In Brooklyn, we say hipster about 300 times a day, upending words like would and which in the list of most commonly used words in the Brooklyn-English vernacular.

In other parts of our country, making fun of hipsters is a national pastime. I would gladly tell you about the rest of America, had I ever a reason to leave Brooklyn for any reason whatsoever. According to the folk tales passed down from the leader of my food co-op, the rest of America has things like Burger Kings, non-free-trade coffee, fat people and sincerityall of which sound completely terrifying! I have heard foul rumors that citizens in outer-Brooklyn often go entire weeks without eating a falafeland many would actually pay less than $40 for a haircut. My frail bones would quake at the very thought were they not nearly dissolved from years of recreationally abusing psychotropic drugs.

To capitalize on Brooklyns self-loathing and the rest of Americas irrational hatred of us, theres a booming industry of cultural studies textbooks about the hipster phenomenon. Books like Look at This Fucking Hipster,

The Hipster Handbook and Stuff Hipsters Hate are dry and completely humorless accounts of our humble civilization.

The book you hold in your hands is different since it has the added value of including cute pictures of dogs. (Dogs were animals we had domesticated and kept as companions before the recession forced us to use them as food.) Writing this book has been an unending joy. Entire days of my life were spent looking at pictures of adorable pups until I broke my awwww bone.

So read this book with an open mind, an open heart and an open wallet. And please remember that hipster puppies are people too.

Now, if youll excuse me, this unemployment check isnt going to cash itself.

Farewell and who gives a shit,

Christopher R. Weingarten
Associate Professor of the
James Murphy Memorial Institute
for Hipster Studies
Brooklyn, New York

hanzo is a graduate of the school of lifeand a dropout of the pratt institute school of art and design

sasha says shes freegan but honestly just likes eating from the trash

sure, paddington will tell you why wes anderson is a total hack, got an hour?

barney is more concerned with dynamic range compression and the loudness wars than the fact that he has shitty taste in music

frequently used words that pippins iphone autorecognizes: douchenozzle, douchery, artfuck, jagoff, assholery

mandy considers herself a francophile because she owns two daft punk records

these are juless dress chucks

annie is the mom of her squat since she does dishes and owns dishes

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