Mande - Look at This F*cking Hipster

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For my family, who are proud of me
even though they really shouldnt be

LOOK AT THIS F*CKING HIPSTER . Copyright 2010 by Joe Mande. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martins Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

Book design by Rich Arnold

www.stmartins.com

ISBN 978-0-312-62497-2

eISBN 978-1-4668-6745-1

First Edition: April 2010

First eBook Edition: April 2014

Welcome to Look at This F*cking Hipster, your personal guide to understanding hipsters and hipster culture! In this book, we will explore hipsterdom in all its glorious facets and idiosyncrasies. And by explore, I mean, of course, ridicule. This book is chock-full of hipster ridicule. Why so much ridicule? Because look at them. Theyre asking for it. Its like I always say: Hipsters are ridiculous people, and you cant spell ridiculous without ridicule. Or something.

Ugh, what am even I talking about?

Okay, look, Ill be honest. Even I cant believe my stupid-ass tumblr blog became a book. In fact, when I first met with my publishers, I asked them, Why are you giving me a book deal? Who would buy a book full of content thats already on the Internet? The head publisher quickly replied, Whats the Internet? and then handed me a suitcase full of hundred-dollar bills. So, I guess thats how book deals happen.

I never expected my blog to become so popular. It started out as a joke, a pet project to amuse my friends and family. To be perfectly honest, my initial idea was to help my dad start a blog called IsThataHipster.com. Because whenever my parents visit me in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, thats what he asks me whenever a person walks by.

Is that a hipster?

Yes. Thats a hipster.

Okay but is that a hipster?

Yes, Dad. Pretty much everyone in this neighborhood is a hipster.

What about that Asian guy over there? Can hipsters be Asian?

I suppose so, but theyre usually white and have Asian girlfriends.

The response to LATFH.com was immediate and overwhelmingly positive. Within a matter of days, my little joke had spread to millions of people all over the world. Unknowingly, I had tapped into something much larger than I could have ever expectedsomething retardedthat people from all corners of the globe yearned to laugh at and laugh with. Mocking hipsters, from their lifestyle choices to their fashion decisions to their inevitable offspring (yikes), has now become my full-time job. Some would say its my duty.

I am not without my critics, however. Some readers have accused me of being a monster, a coward, a hate-monger, and a shitbird who eats bags of dicks. Others have called my blog the beginning of a vast hate movement that promotes negativity and conformism. One idiot even called me the Carlos Mencia of hipsters, which would be a super offensive thing to say if it made any sense. Obviously, this is America, and everyone is entitled to have shitty opinions and no sense of humor. (But let me say that if my goal was to promote conformity, why would so many of the people I make fun of dress and behave in exactly the same way? Thats just flawed logic.) Despite this, I would like to address these false charges right now by taking the opportunity to say right now, unequivocally: I do not hate hipsters. Let me repeat: I do not hate hipsters.

Now, dont get me wrong, I certainly dont love hipsters. That would be weird, like loving Scientologists or syphilis or something. But I dont hate them, either. I think thats important. I simply find the hipster lifestyle to be wildly fascinating. And if that sounds like Im being condescending, thats because, yes, Im being condescending. Duh, of course I am. But doesnt condescension come from a much better place than hatred? (That place = deez nuts.) I just think its fair, after years and years of everyone making fun of poor white trash, that someone had the courage to stand up and make fun of rich white trash.

Other critics have told me that hipster bashing is so four years ago (which, ironically, is the most hipster-y thing a person could ever say). They claim that theres no such thing as a hipster, that its simply an idea, a fabricated social construct meant to demean and subjugate individualism and civil disobedience. To these people I say: Congratulations, you went to college! You totally know the terms civil disobedience and social construct. Foucault the world, son!

The thing is, everyone goes to college. Everyone. Sorry, youre not special at all. Go snort some more Ritalin and jerk off to your Murakami collection. If theres one thing Im certain of, its that hipsters do exist. I live in Williamsburg, which is basically the Mecca for hipsters; the Bedford stop on the L train station is their Kaaba. Hipsters dominate my neighborhood. I smell their Toms of Maine deodorant when Im in line to get coffee in the morning. I hear them discuss the work of Krzysztof Kielowski while I wait for the bus. I see them play organized kickball in the park. Adults. Playing kickball. And its not just in Brooklyn. Ive been exposed to hipsters in Philadelphia, Boston, San Francisco, Montreal, Los Angeles, Minneapolis, Kansas City, Baltimore, Austin, Moscow, London, in college town after college town pretty much anywhere that (white) people live.

Theres a hipster pandemic. Theyre spreading. Theyre multiplying. Theyre taking over. You might as well savor this moment while you can. Look at these fucking hipsters and laugh. Before its too late.

If youre reading this book right now, theres a good chance you yourself are a hipster and dont even know it. (Either that, or youre just wasting time at Urban Outfitters, waiting for your girlfriend to buy overpriced drapes or whatever.) Some of the biggest fans of LATFH.com also happen to be some of the biggest hipsters in the world. Ive always found this a bit confusing. Do they like my Web site because they think its funny? Do they like it because it feeds into their own sense of narcissism? Or do they actually hate the Web site, but are pretending to like it ironically? Are they being ironic ironically? Is that even possible? No one knows. Thats the problem.

People are often surprised/disappointed when they meet me to learn that Im not a hipster. They assume, because of my vast knowledge of the hipster world, that I must be deeply entrenched in that world, that Im some trust fund baby with asymmetrical hair, trying to open my own art gallery and/or vegan unicorn cupcake shoppe. I suppose, in a way, thats sort of a compliment; only its not at all.

I am not a hipster, and I say that with certainty. Just take a look at whats on my iPod; all youll see is stuff like Earth, Wind & Fire, Prince, Chaka Khan, Luther Vandrossif anything, Im a menopausal black woman.