Martin Cizmar - Chubster: A Hipsters Guide to Losing Weight While Staying Cool

THIS BOOK PRESENTS THE RESEARCH AND IDEAS OF ITS AUTHOR. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CONSULTATION WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. THE AUTHOR IS NOT A DOCTOR, AND NEITHER THE PUBLISHER NOR THE AUTHOR IS ENGAGED IN RENDERING MEDICAL, HEALTH, OR OTHER PROFESSIONAL SERVICES RELATED TO WEIGHT LOSS OR NUTRITION. THE PUBLISHER AND THE AUTHOR DISCLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ADVERSE EFFECTS RESULTING DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY FROM INFORMATION CONTAINED IN THE BOOK.

Copyright 2012 by Martin Cizmar

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 215 Park Avenue South, New York, New York 10003.

www.hmhco.com

The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Cizmar, Martin.
Chubster : a hipsters guide to losing weight while staying cool / Martin Cizmar.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-547-55934-6 (pbk.)
1. Weight lossPopular works. 2. Low-calorie dietPopular works. 3. ExercisePopular works. I. Title.
RM222.2.C489 2012
613.2'5dc23 2011028554

eISBN 978-0-547-55935-3
v2.1213

For Kirsten

T HE WORD CHUBSTER WHILE UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTED AS SO delightful that it has to have some meaningis fairly amorphous. Actually, UrbanDictionary.com, the definitive source of information on made-up words, offers quite a few definitions, two variants of which are interesting to us:

(Noun)

An overweight person who considers himself to be a hipster. Someone who is proud to be a fatty mcfatfat... They wear Old Navy jeans because they cant fit into anything from Urban Outfitters or from trendy thrift shops. They try to squeeze themselves into small hoodies and H&M T-shirts because slimfitting clothes look dope on them. They avoid being an outcast loser because they are seen as cool and desirable due to a magnetic personality and funny jokes that compensate for their perceived lack of physical attractiveness.

Celebrity examples of Chubsters: Jonah Hill, Zach Galifianakis, Seth Rogen

Fawn: Ugh! Look at that chick with the muffin top and those Charlotte Russe flats.

Ruby:... and you know she got that Run-DMC T-shirt from Torrid.

Fawn: Oh em eff jeez, shes such a chubster.

(Noun)

Someone who used to be chubby when they were a kid, but became very in-shape, muscular, and attractive. Its almost like being a chubster is a compliment, because most of them are very nice, they know what its like to be the fat kid whos everyones friend, no more (girls didnt think of him that way), so most chubsters dont judge. Hes the guy who everyone likes, but how could you not like a chubster? Funny, nice, and able to relate to almost everyone? Theyre one of a kind.

Bob: Dude, this new kid came to our class, he showed us his yearbook and he was like majorly chubby two years ago.

Sally: But not anymore. That new kids cute, that chubster.

For much of my life, Ive been a Chubster1. Certainly, I was not seriously ashamed of my weight, and I was kindasorta proud of my indulgence. At the same time, I was always trying to fit in with my usually-skinny hipster friendsnot always easy for a big guy. Now Im working on becoming a Chubster2: the cool, formerly fat guy. Actually, in calling this book Chubster, Im hoping to carve that definition into a metaphorical stone tablet. Not that Im always a nice guyas youll undoubtedly see throughout the book, Ive never been the sweet and beloved tuba-playing fat kidbut Im trying. Im trying, folks. In the meantime, Im doing what Ive always done, which is keep it real. That means giving you some cold, hard, and unpleasant facts. Im going to do that in the nicest and most efficient way possible because Ive been in your shoes. Im now an average weight, but luckily I still have some of that renowned empathy that makes fat people beloved the world over.

The fact of the matter is, theres nothing wrong with being fat. Or, at least theres nothing wrong with you because youre fat. Thats the truth, and anyone who tells you differently is an asshole. Sure, I lost 100 pounds in eight months for the express purpose of not being fat (Im 5'11" and weighed 290 when I started). Still, I dont see anything wrong with being overweight, per se. Its not a character flaw. Being fat is pretty fun, actually. I had a great run. I ate creamy, fried, and sickeningly sweet foods so delicious, most of my thin friends could never imagine consuming them. I imbibed mass quantities of the worlds most delicious beers without a second thoughtnever did anything less caloric than Blue Moon touch my lips. I sat around playing video games, watching football, and listening to records on lazy Sundays. Despite my girth, I had no trouble getting a little action from attractive girls (my girlfriend is 5'10", a size 6, and gorgeous), which is the major impediment faced by the overweight among us.

Honestly, it was great. Sure, I was a little ashamed at the pool, but not enough to change anything. And there was that one time I could not fit inside a roller coaster. Only the Insane Clown Posse seemed to sell concert T-shirts that fit me. And I hurriedly untagged almost every photo of me posted on Facebook. But that was my life and I was enjoying it.

But happily fat is not a sustainable lifestyle. Facing my twenty-ninth birthday, I had to accept that. It was a cherry Slurpee and my girlfriend, Kirsten, which made me see this. Its sort of a weird story, actually. We were headed home from a Dave Matthews Band concertpart of my job is to go to such concerts and explain to the primitive hordes why they suckwhen I stopped for a refreshing, sugary beverage to quench my thirst and propel me through the late-night writing process required to meet my 9 A.M. deadline. I got the largest size and sucked down the whole thing without a second thought. Kirsten, a nurse who works with liver patients, some of the least-well humans on earth, was horrified. Wed talked about my weight before, but never very seriously.

I could tell immediately this conversation was going to be different.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES YOU JUST DRANK? she asked. I guessed around 300its mostly ice, right? When we looked it up (a ritual I would become all too familiar with in the coming months), it was more like 600. Some 600 calories for a bedtime snack! It was a lot, but still, I didnt see the big deal. Maybe a Slurpee was a bad choice, I said, but I need to drink something to write. How am I supposed to write with a dry mouth and tired eyes? Diet Coke, she suggested. Ick, I said. No, she said, this is serious.

The health thing, obviously, was a big concern. But the probable consequencesto be outlined shortlyalso felt far into the future. There was a more pressing issue: In a few months, I would be meeting her health-nut parents for the first time in New Zealand. Kirstens dad is a college professor who studies pharmaceuticals, and her mom knows everyone in her towns co-op grocery store by name and does nearly as much yoga as Gandhiin other words, theyve been granola since before it was cool. I knew Kirsten was right. There was little chance I could plan to be indefinitely overweight and keep that little pink heart on my Facebook relationship status intact. For me, it wasnt so much an ultimatum as a realization.

And thus began the transformation. A hundred pounds. A snug 44 to a loose 34. A loose 3XL to a snug M. Some people might prefer I say I dropped the weight with the help of Whole Foods, reusable BPA-free water bottles, and an elliptical, but the truth is, I didnt. I changed my habits so little that I might think it was pathetica sign that Im pitifully stuck in my waysif it werent for how inspiring the story seems to be to other people.