Robert Lanham - The Hipster Handbook

Y ou've seen them all over town with their mop-top haircuts, swinging retro pocketbooks, talking on cell phones, smoking European cigarettes, shading their eyes behind bug-eyed lenses, and strutting in platform shoes with a biography of Che sticking out of their bags. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes, and nationalities. Beck is one. Jack Kerouac was one. Meg from the White Stripes is one. And the girl at work in the Jackie-O dress is one too. You may even be one yourself. From New York to New Zealand, Hipsters are everywhere. Welcome to The Hipster Handbook, the first guide to what it means to be a Hipster.

Since Hipsters are a vital part of the international social fabric, this book is for everyone. If you are a Hipster yourself, carry it in your back pocket or in your purse. Excuse yourself to the bathroom during that important party and brush up on the correct lingo by consulting our glossary. Even Hipsters need a refresher course from time to time, and you wouldn't want to be throwing out dated slang like grody or wicked when mixing with other Hipsters in the know.

If you are not a Hipster, but want to learn more about this ubiquitous genus, this book is for you too. We will teach you how to spot Hipsters, how to interact with them, and how to better understand their unique culture. If you are a parent with Hipster children, this book will help you understand and maybe even talk to your children. You'll also become just a little more deck in the process. If you are a scientist, we hope you'll use our anthropological studies as a starting point to document the phenomenon of this emerging human archetype. Our research garnered us a nomination for the Margaret Mead Award in 2004.

And finally, this book is for those among you who want to become Hipsters yourselves. Anyone can become one with the proper education. Study this book and complete the questionnaire at the end and you will be on your way.

But perhaps we are being too kind in saying this book is for everyone. Some people are clearly hopeless. If you are a neo-Nazi and accessorize with an automatic weapon, this book is not for you. If you have appeared in the Girls Gone Wild video series, this book is not for you. If you go to tanning salons, this book is not for you. If you listen to Slipknot and have ever been to the Warped Tour, this book is not for you. And perhaps most important, if you are wearing a sweatshirt that has a Disney character on it, this book is not for you.

For everyone else, we present the long-overdue documentation of what it means to be deckor, depending on your age, groovy, nifty, fresh, chic, savvy, fly, bodacious, jazzy, cool, righteous, hip, and hep. This is the motherfucking HIPSTER HANDBOOK.

1. You graduated from a liberal arts school whose football team hasn't won a game since the Reagan administration.

2. You frequently use the term postmodern (or its commonly used variation PoMo) as an adjective, noun, and verb.

3. You carry a shoulder-strap messenger bag and have at one time or another worn a pair of horn-rimmed or Buddy Hollystyle glasses.

4. You have refined taste and consider yourself exceptionally cultured, but have one pop vice (ElimiDATE, Quiet Riot, and Entertainment Weekly are popular ones) that helps to define you as well-rounded.

5. You have kissed someone of the same gender and often bring this up in casual conversation.

6. You spend much of your leisure time in bars and restaurants with monosyllabic names like Plant, Bound, and Shine.

7. You bought your dishes and a checkered tablecloth at a thrift shop to be kitschy, and often throw vegetarian dinner parties.

8. You have one Republican friend whom you always describe as being your one Republican friend.

9. You enjoy complaining about gentrification even though you are responsible for it yourself.

10. Your hair looks best unwashed and you position your head on your pillow at night in a way that will really maximize your cowlicks.

11. You own records put out by Matador, DFA, Definitive Jux, Dischord, Warp, Thrill Jockey, Smells Like Records, Sub Pop, K Records and Drag City.

1. You teach Sunday School.

2. You use hair spray and wear pleated pants or pastel dress suits.

3. You are a big fan of the suburbs and vinyl siding.

4. You have a special spill shirt that you wear when you eat dinner at night.

5. You like to watch college football.

6. You read novels with raised lettering on their covers.

7. You eat at Popeye's on a regular basis.

Non-Hipsters

1. You like to listen to the Dave Matthews Band while driving in your SUV.

2. You wear holiday-themed sweaters with Santa Clauses, jack-o'-lanterns, and snowflake patterns knitted onto them.

3. You work in an office building that has a man-made pond and a fountain in its front lot.

4. You enjoy movies that star The Rock or Vin Diesel.

L ike most social groups, Hipsters have their own way of communicating. They converse using special terms and lingo to show they are in the know. Being up on the latest slang is essential to being a Hipster. Though it may be humorous to tell someone that his or her Pumas are tubular, utilizing a dated term such as this can be a serious faux pas if not used ironically. Retro terms such as grody, bofu, trippendicular, and wicked all work well when with a tongue in cheek, but such words should be used sparingly.

Before you read any further, we recommend you take a quick peek at our glossary of terms, since many will be used throughout the book. With a little practice, we will help you turn an awkward sentence like I'm gonna look bitchin' in my groovy jacket into the much hipper I'll polish in my deck flogger.

benniehat. Sentence: Have you seen Micah's new bennie? She looks deck as ef. It's cold out today; I'd better grab my bennie.

berriesdollars (see also kale). Sentence: Can I borrow a couple berries? I want to go to Diesel and pick up a new outfit.

Bipsterblue-collar Hipsters who shun art-school pretension and have little patience with leisure-class Hipsters (see page 112).

bleekertourist. Sentence: Every time I'm in the city, some bleeker asks me for directions.

bogglevomit. Origin: An exceptionally hip tassel in Atlanta once shook a Boggle cup to drown out the sound of her friend vomiting in the bathroom, which was making her feel ill as well. The term caught on.