Robert Lanham - The Sinners Guide to the Evangelical Right

1 Catholics arent typically classified as evangelicals. Many fundamentalist Christians even have doubts about whether Catholics are saved and think following the Pope is blasphemous. Still, both evangelicals and Catholics can definitely agree on one vital point: that guy who wrote The Da Vinci Code is definitely going to hell.

1 Most budget information provided by People for the American Way, a group that is partially responsible for Gods vengeance against the United States on September 11, at least according to statements made by Jerry Falwell in 2001 on The 700 Club .

2 Target has given money to Planned Parenthood. Plus, Target doesnt carry firearms or cutting-edge literature like God, Pepsi, and Groovin on the High Side: Tales from the NASCAR Circuit like its more evangelical-friendly sister store, Wal-Mart.

3 We didnt actually interview Ronnie James Dio. We discovered his quotes by playing his album Killing the Dragon backwards. Its jam-packed with esoteric evangelical commentary.

1 Weve placed quotes around the term pro-family since the meaning of the word has been hijacked by the evangelical right. In order to avoid an eyesore, the quotes have been removed from most forthcoming instance of pro-family in this book. Weve also removed several pro-nouns. Weve decided to take an anti-noun stance since we have suspicions that the pro-noun movement is actively working to promote the homosexual agenda.

1 Numerical statistics from the Hartford Institute for Religion Research, 2006

2 These are estimates, since many megachurches tend to inflate their attendance numbers, a very ungodly thing to do.

3 Following a suit from the ACLU, Silver Ring Thing lost its eligibility for federal funding in 2006 for evangelizing on Uncle Sams dime. Given the multitude of likeminded abstinence programs (many of which overtly try to convince children to commit their lives to Christ), the victory was a small one. The White House brags that 102 abstinence programs have been federally funded since 2001 and plans to continue spending close to $200 million a year on programs similar to Silver Ring Thing. One down, 101 to go.

1 Visit the site that inspired this section, GodHatesShrimp.com, a parody of the inflammatory God Hates Fags Web site of Pastor Fred Phelps. Phelps believes American soldiers in Iraq are being punished by God since the United States is, in his view, too welcoming to homosexuals. Phelps and his followers recently protested funerals of fallen American soldiers. His followers carried inflammatory signs that read Thank God for IEDs (improvised explosive devices) and God Hates Fag Enablers.

1 He lost the court case, so we can continue to parody him.

Glorious Praise for
Robert Lanhams Books

The Hipster Handbook

What The Preppy Handbook did for whale belts and synonyms for vomiting, The Hipster Handbook accomplishes for this generations stylistic and linguistic signs and signifiersthoroughly entertaining.

The New York Times

Your official guide to the language, culture, and style of hipsters young and old.

Los Angeles Times

Almost embarrassingly funny.

Library Journal

The Official Preppy Handbook for people who wear Atari T-shirts.

Esquire

So comprehensive and so well-done that only a poseur could criticize it without tongue in cheek.

Slate

Wonderful and frighteningly accurate.

Gawker

Food Court Druids, Cherohonkees
and Other Creatures Unique to the Republic

Robert Lanham is the Margaret Mead of the North American Weirdo.

Neal Pollack, author of Never Mind the Pollacks and The Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature

Since Election 2004, those of us who live in major coastal metropolitan centers have been scolded about how little we understand the rest of the country. Lucky for us, Brooklyn-based trendspotter Robert Lanhamis on the case. Forget Security Moms, NASCAR Dads, Metrosexuals. Lanham offers a panoply of new, more finely tuned idiotypes.

Boston Globe

This book is a riot.

The Cleveland Plain Dealer

[Lanham] looks beyond politics, mining the vast area between NPR and NASCAR to sweepingly and hilariously generalize about many groups of everyday people.

The Washington Post

Lanhams observational humor puts Jerry Seinfeld to shame.

Times Leader , Wilkes-Barre, PA

Hilariously accurate descriptions of coworkers, family members, friends, and other acquaintances that almost every American has encountered.

Publishers Weekly

Will cause outright, prolonged laughter.

Orlando Sentinel

The Sinners Guide to the E VANGELICAL R IGHT

Robert Lanham

New American Library
Published by New American Library, a division of
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street,
New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 St. Stephens Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.) Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.) Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi-110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), cnr Airborne and Rosedale Roads, Albany, Auckland 1310, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.) Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

First published by New American Library, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Copyright Robert Lanham, 2006
All rights reserved

Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint the following:

Art on Chapter 8 reprinted by permission. Revolve: The Complete New Testament, 2003. Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, Tennessee. All rights reserved

Art on Chapter 5 courtesy of MarMont Group and K&K Mime.

REGISTERED TRADEMARKMARCA REGISTRADA

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA:

Lanham, Robert.
The sinners guide to the evangelical right/Robert Lanham.
p. cm.
ISBN: 978-1-1012-1076-5

1. EvangelicalismUnited StatesHumor. 2. United StatesReligious life and customsHumor. 3. ConservatismReligious aspectsChristianityHumor. I. Title.
BR1642.U5L36 2006
277.3'0B30207dc22 2006009913

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To Adrianne

Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheeps clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.