Brad Getty - Dads Are the Original Hipsters
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- Book:Dads Are the Original Hipsters
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- Publisher:Chronicle Books
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- Year:2012
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I have worse news than a PBR and skinny jean shortage for all the hipsters of the world.
You are not original.
I know youd like to believe that you were the first person to ever ironically wear a T, slip into skinny jeans, ride a bike, shoot film, go to art school, live apathetically, or drink cheap beer.
But youre not.
Youve been subconsciously copying a legend with everything that you do and its time he got the credit he deserved.
Your dad was the original hipster.
He made cheap beer cool, he rode a fixie, his jeans were tight, his T-shirts were deep Vs, and he partied harder than you can ever imagine. He was a hipster before being a hipster was a thing and hes been killing it since back in the day.
before you did
Your dad had style before you did, seriously. Your brains underdeveloped fashion cortex couldnt process his polish when you were a kid, so you ignorantly made fun of his clothes. But he knew how to put it on back then. He was walking sex appeal in a careful combination of threads. While you were parachuting your pants or wearing everything backward, he was suited up, skinnied down, and buttoned into the freshest wears on the streets. He had street style before it was a thing and he will always be the king shit of getting dapper.
Your dad wore desert chukka boots before you did and he has the distressed leather to prove it. As a world traveler, he bartered in Kolkatas outdoor flea markets, went on safari in Africa, and hiked mountains in the Swiss Alps. Most shoes couldnt withstand the wanderlust that your fathers feet had, which is why he needed a boot that was comfortable, durable, and suave enough to help him charm a new mistress in every foreign land his feet touched.
SO HIPSTERS, next time youre lacing up your boots to go with your unwashed, ripped Levis and a vintage Salvation Army shirt, remember this
You couldnt walk a mile in your dads chukkas.
Your dad rocked knit caps before you did and hes got the matted-down man-fro to prove it. His weather-appropriate dome-piece changed the course of frigid fashion and turned a head sock into a runway must-have.
SO HIPSTERS, next time youre pulling a knit cap on in the middle of summer and letting the front bit of your unwashed hair peek out, remember this
Your dad knew the seasons of style and he would slap the winter off your July head for disrespecting the laws of looking weather-appropriately good.
P.S. Your contribution to cold weather style was the headband and how many of those do you still see around?
Your dad wore Top-Siders before you did and hes got the white non-marking soles to prove it. He was a land sailor of the blacktop sea whose fresh footwear was Poseidon-inspired. They gave him sure feet in slippery conditions and man-anchored him to the ground so he could help your mom traverse treacherously slick surfaces.
SO HIPSTERS, next time youre toe-deep in boat shoes and not sliding across the beer-soaked dive bar floor, remember this
Your dad wore socks with his Sperrys, unlike you, because women dont like men whose feet smell like theyre homeless.
Your dad donned cycling caps before you did and he has the sweat-filled brim to prove it. Back when Lance Armstrong was swinging two-deep and Velocity was only a term used to reference speed, your dad was hyping bike brands on his head. He would flip the shit out of that brim so all the pedal honeys could see his laser gaze. He was raw, unbridled, rolling seduction that left a contrail of masculinity with every pedal push.
SO HIPSTERS, next time youre crotch up to a bike seat, flashing velo gang colors on the brim of your trying too hard to be original hat, remember this
Your dad was the king of cycling and that cap was his crown.
Your dad kept out hater rays with big shades before you did and hes got the oversized eye socket tan lines to prove it. His beta-blockers let his wandering eyes cruise the beach undetected. Like the dirty prince of summer, he stealthily grabbed eyefuls of apple bottoms.
SO HIPSTERS, when youre putting on your plastic-framed glasses to protect your bloodshot hungover eyes from the bright evil rays of the sun, remember this
Your dad knew that the real purpose of big sunglasses was to protect his face from being slapped by the offended bikinis at the beach.
You dad wore jorts before you did and hes got the short frayed denim to prove it. Living the three Rs, he Reused his life-wrecked jeans by Reducing their leg length and Recycling them back into his wardrobe as stylish Danny Dukes. Now every pair of faded favorites could have a second life as his favorite pair of shorts.
SO HIPSTERS, next time youre riding a fixie in attire you claim is strictly functional because you can carry your keys and U-lock without having your leg movement constricted, remember this
Your dad wore them because he was helping to save the environment before saving the environment was cool.
Your dad had a mustache before you did and hes got a warm upper lip to prove it. His homegrown facial bow tie was the envy-inducing expression of masculinity that confirmed his omega status within the manly community. Looking like two lost caterpillars on his face, that lower nose Picasso got him discounts at hardware stores, heavy machinery rental companies, and lumberyards.
SO HIPSTERS, when Movember rolls around and youre splashing Rogaine on your pathetic stache or dyeing it black with Just For Men to make it appear fuller, remember this
Your dad has more testosterone then you will ever have and the proof is still sitting on his face.
Your dad had a beard before you did and his cheeks havent seen the sun in years to prove it. Often mistaken for Sasquatch while in the woods, his face-fro was an unbridled expression of manhood. With it he could fell a tree without picking up an ax and stop bullets with its Kevlar-like strength. You know how your dad met your mom? His beard lured her in.
SO HIPSTERS, next time youre trying to grow your face in so that you look more masculine than you really are, remember this
Your dad had the original beard to fear.
Your dad had unkempt hair before you did and he has the snarled strands to prove it. Long before looking like you just rolled out of bed became fashionable, your dads locks were just as out of control as he was. He didnt spend hours meticulously disheveling his hair with $40 product, he earned his look. His lengths were styled with motorcycle joyrides, fistfights, and a touch of I dont give a fuck.
SO HIPSTERS, next time youre running your fingers through your nappy strands in front of a dirty mirror in your studio apartment, remember
Your dads hair made him look so gnar that people assumed hed killed a man and gotten away with it.
Your dad wore suspenders before you did and his pants are secure to prove it. When your dad had a lady under each arm and two fistfuls of Bud at a dive bar, he needed a security system that ensured his slacks would stay where his hands couldnt keep them.
SO HIPSTERS, next time youre looking ironically Amish in the coffee shop while playing with your iPhone, remember this
Your dad was so awesome that he had to strap clothes down to his body or they would explode off him.
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