Jimmy Niro - Dad Jokes for New Dads: Embarrass Your Kids Early!

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TABLE OF CONTENTS INTRODUCTION Dad, will you be coming to the baby shower? Id prefer a full-size shower, thanks. When it comes to parenting, fatherhood is one big laughing matter! Its important to start practicing how to embarrass your kids earlyand this hilarious primer for dads-in-training has it all! Its packed with the absolute best of the worst jokes about child-rearing, food, professions, and everything in between. These witty puns, groan-worthy stories, and downright silly one-linersplus hilarious Dad Pro Tips will have you armed and dadly in no time! CAUTION:
DADS IN TRAINING My wife didnt think Id name our daughter something ridiculous, but I called her Bluff . Q: How do you get an astronaut s baby to sleep? A: You rocket . Q: What did the couple who met while working at an instruction book company name their kid? A: Manuel .

Q: What do parents feed an infant if they want them to grow up to be a race car driver? A: Formula One. Last night, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me she was in labor. Quickly, I called an ambulance to take us to the hospital. Okay, sir. Its going to be okay, the woman on the phone said. Is this your wifes firstborn? I replied, No, this is her husband! Q: What time of day do parents change the most diapers ? A: In the wee hours.

Contrary to popular belief, not all babies are delivered by storks. Storks bring the small babies, but cranes bring the large ones. Q: What did the big beer name its baby ? A: Micro brew. A widowed pregnant woman got into a car accident and unfortunately went into a coma. Six months later, she woke up. The first thing she did was ask the doctor about her baby.

Babies, the doctor corrected her. You gave birth to twins. A baby boy and girl. Theyre both completely healthy. Your brother named them and is taking care of them. Oh no, the woman said.

Not my brother! Hes a bit of a goofball. What did he name the girl? Denise, the doctor answered. The woman looked relieved. Oh, Denise isnt so bad! she said. What did he name the boy? The doctor replied, De Nephew . DAD PRO TIP #1 Remember: its not your job to embarrass your kids.

Its just one of the perks. My wife gave birth to our son in the car on the way to the hospital. We named him Car son. Q: What do you call a group of baby soldiers? A: An infant ry. Honey, why is there a strange baby in the crib? You told me to change the baby. My husband and I were driving home the other day with our newborn daughter.

It feels like forever since weve been home, my husband said to me. Yeah, I agreed. Its been a life time! Q: Do you know what a baby computer calls its father? A: Data . Q: Why do we dress babies in onesies? A: Because they cant dress themselves. At a party, a friend of mine who recently became a dad said to me, Wow, Im exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4:00 a.m.

I responded, Its probably not good to keep a baby up that late. Q: What do you call a baby monkey ? A: A chimp off the old block. DAD PRO TIP #2 If your baby starts crying, cry twice as loud to assert dominance. A pregnant patient went to visit their doctors office. They told the doctor that they are two months pregnant and wanted to know when the baby will move. The doctor looked down at the chart.

After thinking for a minute or two, the doctor responded, Right after college, if youre lucky. Q: What did the fireman name his two sons? A: Jose and Hose -B. Q: How can you tell if a snake is a baby? A: It has a rattle . My sister and her husband just had a baby girl. When I met her, I knew just what to say. Niece to meet you.

My wifes best friend brought their newborn baby over today. Oh, shes so beautiful! my wife said when she saw the infant. And what lovely eyes! Yes! my wifes friend said. She has her dads eyes. I left the room before the baby could steal my eyes too. When my wife and I found out she was pregnant with our son, I asked her if we could name him James.

She asked me why, and I replied, No reason. When her water broke and we left for the hospital, I said, Let the James begin. Q: When potatoes have kids , what are they called? A: Tater tots . At a family reunion, someone told my wife and my daughter they look so similar they could be sisters. That makes sense, I interjected. They were separated at birth .

If I were an OBGYN, Id call my pregnant patients body builders . Q: Why cant a new parent change a light bulb? A: Because they dont make diapers small enough. A new mother was concerned because she could only breastfeed her baby for short periods of time. One day, she and her husband decided to go to the doctor to see what was up. Its just as I suspected, the doctor said after a brief checkup. You have a short-term mammary .

Some people think my dad jokes are childish , which is crazy. They are obviously full groan . Q: What superpower do you get when you become a parent ? A: Supervision . My spouse asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled . I said, No, I think all kids smell like that. My son likes elevators ; my daughter likes escalators .

They are raised differently. Q: Why does a mother carry her baby? A: The baby cant carry the mother. My son must have been relieved to have finally been born. He looked like he was running out of womb in there. Q: What brand of baby food do pirates prefer for their babies? A: Ge rrr be rrrr . Kids, if theres one thing Ive learned in all my years , its that Im older than you.

Q: What do you call a baby that transforms into a toad ? A: A toad ler. DAD PRO TIP #3 If youre tired, a pile of unfolded laundry straight from the dryer is a good place for a nap. A dad tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didnt laugh once. It was the delivery . My wife went into labor last night, and I drove her to the hospital as quickly as I could. When we arrived, the doctor said wed gotten there just in time.

Im going to de liver the baby, she said. I was alarmed. I said, Actually, wed prefer if our son got to keep his liver . My daughter was born today. In the nursery, another dad congratulated me and said that his wife had given birth to a baby boy the day before . Who knows, he said, clapping a hand on my shoulder.