Slade Wentworth - New Dad, Same Bad Jokes: A Dad Joke a Day for That First Sleepless Year

Hi there, We hope you enjoyed New Dad, Same Bad Jokes. If you have any questions or concerns about your book, or have received a damaged copy, please contact customerservice@penguinrandomhouse.com. Were here and happy to help. Also, please consider writing a review on your favorite retailers website to let others know what you thought of the book! Sincerely, The Zeitgeist Team DAY 1 Q: What do you call a newborn baby? A: Anything you want.

DAY 2 I heard my cousin was in the hospital and couldnt walk or speak. I was so worried, I rushed to visit. Apparently, all newborns are like that. DAY 3 Q: When does a joke become a dad joke? A: When it becomes apparent. DAY 4 New dads seem to get sick only on weekdays. They must have a weekend immune system.

DAY 5 A woman in labor suddenly shouted, Shouldnt! Wouldnt! Didnt! Cant! The concerned father-to-be asked, Doctor, whats going on? Dont worry, replied the doctor. Those are just contractions. DAY 6 Q: What does the sourdough dad do at night? A: Tells breadtime stories. DAY 7 Q: Where does the dad pig leave his car? A: The porking lot.

DAY 8 My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord. He had really grown attached to it.

DAY 9 Q: What does a baby computer call its father? A: Data. DAY 10 Q: When is a door not a door? A: When its ajar. DAY 11 Of all the inventions of the past 100 years, the dry-erase board is the most remarkable. DAY 12 Q: Why did the kids take scissors to their joke book? A: Dad told them to cut the comedy. DAY 13 Q: How did the baby know she was ready to be born? A: She was running out of womb. Dad Hack: Learn how to swaddle your baby, which gives most newborns a sense of security and comfort.

You can find excellent how-to videos on the internet. In a pinch, videos on how to fold a burrito also work well. DAY 14 Q: What did the mama snake say to her sick baby? A: Poor thing, lets viper nose! DAY 15 Q: Whats the difference between a baby and a baked potato? A: About 140 calories. DAY 16 Q: What do you call a line of dads waiting to get haircuts? A: A barberqueue. DAY 17 Q: Why did the mom demand a paycheck from the hospital? A: To compensate her for her labor. DAY 18 We were shocked by the bill we received from the hospital.

We felt nickeled-and-dimed at every turn. They even charged us extra for heat. It was so uncool. DAY 19 Q: Whats the dad pigs favorite position in baseball? A: Shortslop. DAY 20 Q: Why did the vampire baby stop eating baby food? A: He wanted something to sink his teeth into. DAY 21 When the new dad read 16 to 28 pounds on the side of the diaper box, he said, Wow, these hold incredibly huge bowel movements.

DAY 22 Q: Why do we dress babies in onesies? A: They cant dress themselves, now, can they? DAY 23 I sat next to a baby on a 10-hour flight. I didnt think it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off. DAY 24 Q: How do you know when youve slept like a baby? A: When youve woken up every two hours and cried. DAY 25 Q: What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? A: Theyre both Paris sites. DAY 26 If a baby refuses to nap, is he guilty of resisting a rest? DAY 27 Q: Why does a mother carry her baby? A: The baby cant carry the mother, now, can it? DAY 28 I used to dislike facial hair, but then it started to grow on me.

Dad Hack: To catch up on sleep, take the advice thats often given to new moms: sleep when the baby sleeps. You can also prepare dinner when the baby prepares dinner and mow the lawn when the baby mows the lawn. DAY 29 Dear Math, Please grow up and solve your own problems. DAY 30 Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.

DAY 31 Q: Where do boats go when they get sick? A: The boat doc, of course. DAY 32 Q: What did one wall say to the other? A: Ill meet you at the corner. DAY 33 I have a joke about construction, but Im still working on it. DAY 34 Q: Have you heard about the pregnant bedbug? A: Shes going to have her baby in the spring. As I develop my new-dad routine, I discovered that my favorite time of day is

because at that time I am able to DAY 35 Q: Why is that baby still in diapers? A: Ill give you two reasons: number one and number two. DAY 36 We all know about Murphys Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

But have you ever heard of Coles Law? Its thinly sliced cabbage. DAY 37 Q: Have you considered reading a book of prime numbers to the baby? A: Youll have their undivided attention. DAY 38 A friend came to me for advice and asked whether she should have a baby after 40. I said that I didnt think so; 40 babies are probably enough. DAY 39 Q: Have you heard my joke about nepotism? A: Sorry, I only tell it to my kids.

DAY 40 A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails.

When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, I dont know. It all happened so fast. DAY 41 Its easy to convince moms not to eat Tide Pods, but its harder to deter gents. DAY 42 A skeleton walks into a bar and says, Bartender, Ill have one beer and a mop. Dad Hack: If your baby hates tummy time, make it more enjoyable by plopping them on your chest. Enjoy your first face-to-face conversations with your child.

DAY 43 Q: Do you know why baby girls are more likely to be born on holidays? A: Theres no mail delivery on holidays. DAY 44 The nurse told the parents of a newborn, You have a cute baby. The smiling husband said, I bet you say that to all the new parents. No, she replied. Just to parents of actually cute babies. The husband asked, So, what do you say to the others? The nurse replied, The baby looks just like you.

DAY 45 I was fed up with my wifes accusation that I have a poor sense of direction. So, I packed up my stuff and right. DAY 46 I got carded at the liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out of my wallet. The cashier said, Never mind. DAY 47 Q: Did you hear the rumor about the butter? A: Well, Im not going to spread it. DAY 48 I dont trust those trees.

They seem shady. DAY 49 I dont trust those stairs. Theyre up to something. DAY 50 My partner is so unfair. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, and the diaper bag. All she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

DAY 51 My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids arent taking it well. DAY 52 Mom: Why is there a strange baby in the crib? Dad: You told me to change the baby. DAY 53 Q: What do you call a group of baby soldiers? A: An infantry. DAY 54 Jack: Your mom is having a new baby? Jill: Yes. Jack: Whats wrong with the old one? DAY 55 Q: What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles? A: Stop laughing, and untie them from the ceiling fan.