Ian Allen - The VERY Embarrassing Book of Dad Jokes

More great titles from Portico www.anovabooks.com First published in the United Kingdom in 2012 by Portico Books 10 Southcombe Street London W14 0RA An imprint of Anova Books Company Ltd Volume copyright Portico Books, 2012 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the copyright owner. First eBook publication 2012 eBook ISBN 978-1-909396-09-8 Also available in hardback Hardback ISBN 978-1-907554-53-7 The print version of this book can be ordered direct from the publisher at www.anovabooks.com Hello! Lets get one thing straight from the start. Dads jokes arent meant to be funny. The perfect dad joke should generate groans not guffaws, dewy-eyed nostalgia rather than cries of Thats a new one! and pitying glances not affectionate smiles. due and who do Crewe Alexandra play on Saturday which is why they trot out the same two or three old gags time after time after time. due and who do Crewe Alexandra play on Saturday which is why they trot out the same two or three old gags time after time after time.

This book now gives you 1,000 or so new old jokes to trot out time after time; just memorising three every morning while on the toilet will allow you to annoy your kids with a years supply of he-he-seeking missiles. If I give you an example of a joke that failed to make the cut, youll get some idea of the comedic nirvana that awaits you in the rest of the book: Teacher: Mr Smith, I think you should buy Jimmy an encyclopedia. Dad: Rubbish, he can walk to school just like I had to. You get the picture! This joke book is the result of literally days of research into Christmas crackers, the backs of cereal packets and dog-eared copies of the Dandy. (I even borrowed a library book containing Ancient Greek jokes, and all I can say is that it proves the old ones most definitely arent the best.) If I had only known how handy they would have been, I would have kept all my lolly sticks with jokes on from the 1970s, instead of letting my mum throw them away last year. Most of the jokes in these pages were either dredged up from the dusty reaches of my memory or else, when I rediscovered them in print or online, gave me that warm feeling you get when you meet an old friend you had quite forgotten about. A few, though, were new to me, and therefore might not be thought old enough to merit inclusion in a classic dads joke book.

But I think they all meet the dad joke criteria if you tell them often enough and badly enough, you can remove any hint of humour from even the funniest of them. Never forget, dads, your children are wonderful; just remember what philosopher John Locke said: Children are travellers newly arrived in a strange country of which they know nothing. And that in a nutshell is why dads who tell jokes have large families because the single greatest thing about being a dad is that every time you have another kid you get to tell all your jokes for the first time again! And if you only happen to have one or two kids, theres no need to worry. A wise man once pointed out that no one should be ashamed of telling a joke more than once as, after all, no one complains when their favourite piece of music is played repeatedly so remember its important to get your moneys worth! Finally, a health warning: attempting to read more than 50 or 60 jokes as bad as these in one sitting could have serious long-term health consequences. For your own sake stop reading after a dozen or so and go for a nice long walk, mow the lawn or sit down in the front of the telly with a cold beer. Youll feel better.
Enjoy! Why did the orange stop halfway up the hill? He ran out of juice. Whats the richest country in the world? Ireland, because its capital is always Dublin. Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm. William Shakespeare went into a pub.
The barman took one look at him and said, Youre bard!First man: Im going to see the doctor because I dont like the look of my wife. Second man: Ill come with you, I cant stand the sight of mine. First man: How many people work in your office? Second man: About half of them. I once had a dog with no legs called Woodbine. Every day Id take him out for a drag. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud. First man: I once knew a man with a wooden leg called Smith. Second man: Really, what was his other leg called? Son: What are you getting Mum for her birthday? Dad: A new bag and belt the hoover hasnt been working very well lately. Whats brown, steams and comes out of cows backwards? The Isle of Wight ferry. What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal shaft? A flat minor. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff. What do you call a man with a piece of grass and a seagull on his head? Heathcliff. Whats yellow and dangerous? Shark-infested custard. Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? He was pulled under by a strong currant. What do you get when you run over a sparrow with a lawnmower? Shredded Tweet. Whats yellow and swings through the jungle smelling of almonds? Tarzipan. Why do milking stools only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder. How does an elephant get down from a tree? He sits on a leaf and waits until autumn. Patient: Doctor, I feel like a snooker ball. Doctor: Get to the end of the queue! Patient: Doctor, I keep forgetting everything. Doctor: How long has this been going on? Patient: How long has what been going on?Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies. Where are the Andes? At the end of your armies. Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because he wasnt peeling very well. First man: Tell me, do you file your nails? Second man: No, I just cut them off and throw them away. How do you get into a house with no doors and no windows?