Tibballs - The Mammoth Book of Really Silly Jokes

What is uglier than an aardvark? Two aardvarks. What do you call an aardvark outside Buckingham Palace? A guardvark. What do you call a pickled aardvark? A jarredvark. What do you call an aardvark thats been thrown out of a pub? A barredvark. What do you call an aardvark that plays poker? A cardvark. What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark. Who is an aardvarks favourite singer? Barbra Streisant. What are an aardvarks favourite songs by The Beatles? I Want To Hold Your Ant and Aard Days Night. How do ants hide from aardvarks? They disguise themselves as uncles. What do aardvarks eat for breakfast? Aard-boiled eggs. Why do aardvarks make undesirable neighbours? They always have their noses in other peoples business. When is an aardvark jumpy? When hes got ants in his pants. Where does the aardvark family always come first? In the phone book. Which aardvark holds the world land speed record? The short-sighted aardvark who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle. What do aardvarks like on their pizzas? Ant-chovies. Who has a long nose, wears a mask and sits tall in the saddle? The Lone Aardvark. Where did the young aardvark learn to tie knots? In the Boy Snouts. Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows? Its called the VCRdvark. What has six legs, two arms, four eyes and a tail? A man holding an aardvark. Why werent people scared of the baby aardvark? Because a little aardvark never hurt anyone. A man wanted to buy a new aardvark so he looked through the classified ads. He found a phone number offering aardvarks for sale and his call was answered by an old lady. How much are your aardvarks? he asked. Thirty dollars each, she replied. Did you raise them yourself? he added.

Sure did, said the old lady. Yesterday they were only twenty dollars each. Why did the aardvark beat the lion in the TV debate about ants? He stuck to the subject. What do you call a boxing match between two aardvarks? A snout bout. Who loves hamburgers, French fries and ants? Ronald McAardvark. What do you call an aardvark thats just lost a fight? A vark, because hes not aard any more. An aardvark went on the TV quiz show Who Wants To Be AMillionaire? The host, who was very polite, said, How confident are you of doing well, sir? Quite confident, replied the aardvark. Id like to get up to $500,000. Thats quite a target, sir, smiled the host. Lets see how we go.

Oh, before we start, said the aardvark, I hope you dont mind but Ive brought along a supply of ants to eat before I answer each question. I find that eating ants helps stimulate my brain. No problem, sir, said the host. So the aardvark put his snout in his bag of ants for twenty seconds and correctly answered the first question. Then he ate ants for thirty seconds and correctly answered the second question. By the time hed won $100,000 he was spending up to five minutes eating ants and the host was beginning to grow impatient.

I must hurry you along, sir, he said. Were running out of studio time. I need my supply of ants, insisted the aardvark. Otherwise Ill get the question wrong. Eventually the aardvark reached the $500,000 question. Sir, asked the host, what is the capital of Albania? Is it a) Tirana b) Elbasan c) Ljubljana or d) Durres? The aardvark considered the options.

I think its Tirana, he said, but I need some more ants before I can be certain. So he put his snout into the ant bag. On and on he went, guzzling ants for over eight minutes. The host was turning red with rage. Listen, sir, he said eventually. I can only give you another twenty seconds.

If youre not ready then, well have to disqualify you. At last the aardvark lifted his snout from the bag and the host asked wearily, Is that your final ant, sir?