Goldstein - 1001 Amazing Jokes

Title Page 1001 AMAZING JOKES by Jack Goldstein Publisher Information Published in 2013 by Andrews UK Limited www.andrewsuk.com The right of Jack Goldstein to be identified as the Author of this Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1998 Copyright 2013 Jack Goldstein All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. Any person who does so may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages. Introduction Do you want a joke for every situation? Are you sure youre prepared for the moment when your audiences heads fall off and their sides split? Master of comedy Jack Goldstein is proud to present this collection of 1001 of the funniest jokes in the history of the world. Theres a food joke that pasta be the best youve ever read, and the ones about space are out of this world. The animal jokes will have you roaring in delight, but be careful - doctor, doctor might not have a laughter cure.

Organised into categories so you can find the joke you want quickly, this is the perfect addition for any budding comedians bookshelf. Jokes for Everyone General Jokes - Part 1 Why did the clown go to the doctor? Because he was feeling a little funny! What did the water say to the boat? Nothing, it just waved! How did the Vikings send secret messages? By Norse code! What is a robots favorite type of music? Heavy metal! Where did the king keep his armies? In his sleevies! What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? Floodlights! Why cant a bicycle stand up by itself? Because its two-tired! Why was the broom late? It over swept! Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one! Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? To win the Nobel prize! Animals Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll! Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns dont work! How do you talk to a fish? You drop him a line! What animal should you never play cards with? A cheetah! How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut! What color socks do bears wear? They dont wear socks, they have bear feet! Whats black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill! What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam! How do bees get to school? By school buzz! Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs! Crossing the Road Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide! Why did the rooster cross the road? To cockadoodle dooo something! Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnt chicken! Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadnt been invented back then! Why did the horse cross the road? Because the chicken needed a day off! Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side! Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? She wanted to lay it on the line! Why didnt the skeleton cross the road? Because he didnt have the guts! Why did the clairvoyant cross the road? To get to the other side! In the Bar A Horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, So. Why the long face? A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any helicopter flavored crisps? The bartender shakes his head and says, No, we only have plain. A potato walks into a bar... all eyes were on him! A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm.

What would you like? asks the barman. The man replies, A pint of beer and one for the road. A skeleton walks into a bar... He says, Id like a beer and a mop! Thomas Edison walks into a bar... The bartender says, Ill serve you a beer, just dont get any ideas. The barman says, We dont serve time travellers in here.

A time traveller walks into a bar... A bear walks into a bar and says Ill have a whisky and... soda. The bartender says, Why the big pause? Dunno, says the bear. Ive always had them! A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a pub. The barman says, Is this some kind of joke? A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint.

That will be ten dollars please says the barman. The hippo pays and starts to sip his beer. You know we dont get many hippos in here says the barman. The hippo replies: At ten dollars a drink Im not surprised!. Criss Cross What do you get when you cross a cow with a trampoline? A milkshake! What do you get when you cross a caterpillar and a parrot? A walkie talkie! What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant? Swimming trunks! What do you get when you cross a karate expert with a pig? A pork chop! What do you get when you cross a lemon and a cat? A sourpuss! What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and an elephant? Big holes all over Australia! What do you get when you cross Batman & Robin with a steamroller? Flatman & Ribbon! What do you get when you cross a wolf and an egg? A very hairy omelette! What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad? Star Warts! What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine? Ten feet of barbed wire! The Sea How do sailors wash their clothes? They throw their laundry overboard and its washed ashore! Whats a pirates favourite country? Aaaaaaaaaaargentina! What has 8 legs and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates! Why is it so easy to weigh fish? They have their own scales! What happens when you cross a great white shark with a cow? I dont know but I wouldnt want to milk it! What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck! What did the mummy sardine tell her children when they saw a submarine? Dont worry, its only a tin of people! Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels! Whats a pirates favourite Star Wars character? Arrrrrrrrr 2 D 2! What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool? Show me your mussels! Science What do you do with dead chemists? Barium! Whats a nuclear physicists favorite meal? Fission chips! What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry labs? Methylated Spirits! Who solves mysteries involving electricity? Sherlock Ohms! Where does bad light go? To prism! Schrodingers cat walks into a bar... And doesnt! An ion walks into a bar, says Ive lost an electron.

The barman says are you sure? The electron replies yes, Im positive! What did one electron say to the other electron? Dont get excited. Youll only get into a state! There was a sale on particles the other week... Neutrons were free of charge! Do you know any jokes about sodium? Na! Rude Jokes What flies through the air and stinks? A smelly-copter! What is invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts! Why did the baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo! Whats yellow and smells of bananas? Monkey sick! Why do mice have little balls? Because they like to dance! Whats pink, wrinkled and hangs out your pyjamas? Your mother! Why did the beach blush? Because the sea weed! Whats brown, sounds like a bell and comes out of a cow backwards? DUNG! Why did Tigger put his head in the toilet? Because he was looking for Pooh! Knock knock... Who there... Smell mop ... Smell mop who? Yuk! No way! General Jokes - Part 2 Why was the robot angry? Because someone kept pushing his buttons! Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because: 7 8 9! What is brown and sticky? a stick! When is a car not a car? When it turns into a garage! Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, its over your head! There are two fish in a tank...

One says to the other, So how do you drive this thing? What was 30 feet long, had a two-foot-long beak, and left crumbs all over the mattress? Pretzelcoatlus! Why are chefs cruel? Because they batter fish, beat eggs and whip cream! Why did the clock in the cafeteria always run slow? Every lunch it went back four seconds! If you hear of any jokes about fish, will you let minnow? The Best Jokes Whats green and smells like blue paint? Green paint! How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs! What is green and stands in the corner? A naughty frog! Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C! What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck! What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby! Whats did one tomato say to the other tomato? You go ahead and Ill ketchup! Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? You cant tuna fish! What did one snowman say to the other? Can you smell carrots? What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business! Knock Knock Jokes General Jokes - Part 1 Knock, knock. Whos there? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe help me with my homework? Knock, knock. Whos there? Luke. Luke who? Luke through the keyhole and youll see! Knock, knock. Whos there? Scott.