Jack Goldstein - 101 Amazing Spooky Jokes

Title Page 101 AMAZING SPOOKY JOKES by Jack Goldstein Publisher Information Published in 2013 by Andrews UK Limited www.andrewsuk.com The right of Jack Goldstein to be identified as the Author of this Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1998 Copyright 2013 Jack Goldstein All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. Any person who does so may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages. Introduction This side-splitting collection of 101 of the spookiest jokes you have ever heard is scarily funny! Jack Goldstein drops his Hilarity-bomb on children of all ages with this amazing book containing over one hundred jokes that will have the whole family laughing. Organised into categories such as mummies, skeletons and witches so you have a spooky joke for every occasion, this is an ideal addition to any budding comedians bookshelf. Why dont skeletons play music in church? They have no organs...

General - Part 1 What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub? The landlord said Sorry, we dont serve spirits. What happens to a ghost when he gets lost in the fog? He is mist! Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test? To see if she was his type! What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite! What do you call someone who puts poison in a persons corn flakes? A cereal killer! Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story? Because there are so many plots there! Whats the best way to talk to a monster? From a long way away! Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers! What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer! What room cant a ghost go in? The Living Room! Ghosts Which trees do ghosts like best? Ceme-trees! Who writes ghostly jokes? Crypt writers! What kind of street does a ghost like best? A dead end! What do you call a ghosts mother and father? Transparents! What do young ghosts write their homework in? Exorcise books! Why are ghosts bad at telling lies? Because you can see right through them! Where do ghosts go if they want to swim? The Dead Sea! What did the ghost teacher say to her class? Watch the board and Ill go through it again! What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits! This woman wanted to marry a ghost. I dont know what possessed her! Witches Why do witches only ride their brooms after dark? Thats the time to go to sweep! What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake? A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, bonk? A witch laughing her head off! What happens if you see twin witches? You wont be able to tell which witch is which! Why wont a witch wear a flat cap? Because there is no point in it! What kind of tests do they give in witch school? Hex-aminations! What happened to the witch who lost her temper when riding her broom? She flew off the handle! What do you call a witch with one leg? Eileen! Have you heard about the good weather witch? Shes forecasting sunny spells! Why is a witch like a candle? They are both wicked! General - Part 2 Do monsters like to eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they prefer to eat fingers separately! Why did Dracula go to the library? He wanted a good book to sink his teeth into! How do you work a mummys doorbell? Just Toot and come in! What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray! When do vampires like horse racing? When its neck and neck! Why did the skeleton go scuba diving? Because he wanted to get some muscles! What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO! Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin! Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? It raises their spirits! Why is there always a fence around a cemetery? Because people are just dying to get in! Vampires Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank! Why are vampires so easy to fool? Because theyre suckers! What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher? Lots of blood tests! What do vampires enjoy most about baseball? The bats! What is a vampires favorite holiday? Fangsgiving! What is a vampires favorite circus act? Well, he always goes for the juggler! Why doesnt Dracula have any friends? Because hes a pain in the neck! Why are all male vampires related to each other? They are all blood brothers! How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyelashes! What do you do if you want to learn more about Dracula? You join his fang club! Skeletons Why didnt the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with! What do you call a skeleton who wont get up in the mornings? Lazy bones! Why are skeletons so calm? Nothing gets under their skin! Why couldnt the skeleton sing in front of his friends? He just didnt have the guts! Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-apart ! Who was the most famous skeleton detective? Sherlock Bones! What is a Skeletons favorite song? Bad to the Bone Why dont skeletons play music in church? They have no organs! What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs! What do skeletons say before they eat? Bone Appetite! General - Part 3 When do ghosts usually appear? Just before someone screams! Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building! Whats a monsters favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet! What happened to the guy who didnt pay his exorcist? He was repossessed! Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist? Because he likes to draw blood! Whats the ratio of a pumpkins circumference to its diameter? Pumpkin Pi! What happens when a ghost haunts a theater? The actors all get stage fright! Why did the monster eat a fluorescent bulb? Because he was in need of a light snack! What did the skeleton order with his drink? A mop! What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling! Mummies How do mummies begin their letters? Tomb it may concern! Why dont mummies take vacations? Theyre afraid theyll relax and unwind! What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date? Any old girl he can dig up! What is a Mummys favorite type of music? Wrap! Why was the mummy so tense? Because he was all wound up! How do mummies hide? They wear masking tape! Why do mummies make excellent spies? Theyre good at keeping things under wraps! Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies! What did the mummy say to the detective? Lets wrap this case up! Why dont mummies have hobbies? Because theyre too wrapped up in their work! Animals When is it really unlucky to see a black cat? When youre a mouse! What do you call a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist ! What kind of pets do ghosts have? Scaredy Cats! What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newlywebs! Why dont bats live alone? They like to hang out with their friends! What do you call dead cows that come back to life? Zombeef! What is Draculas favorite kind of dog? A blood hound! What did the werewolf eat after hed had his teeth cleaned? The dentist! Whats big and green and goes Oink, Oink? Frankenswine! What did the duck say after he heard a scary joke? Nothing, he just quacked up! General - Part 4 Why didnt the skeleton want to go to school? His heart wasnt in it! What is a vampires favorite fruit? A nectarine! Why is there a gate around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in! Why didnt the zombie go to school? He felt rotten! Who won the zombie war? Nobody, it was dead even! What song do vampires hate? You are my sunshine! I have 28 legs, 7 arms and 3 heads, what am I? A liar! Why are so few ghosts arrested? Its hard to pin anything on them! Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghouls best friend! Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to THE OTHER SIDE! And Finally... Why wasnt there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin! Also Available