Michael Dahl - The Everything Kids Joke Book: Side-Splitting, Rib-Tickling Fun

H UMANS ARE THE ONLY CREATURES on this planet who laugh. Oh sure, hyenas make a funny bark that may sound like a laugh. Grade B movies and sitcoms show chimpanzees and dolphins laughing at their silly human costars. But people are the only animals that giggle, chuckle, titter, guffaw, belly laugh, chortle, and yuck. Have you ever known a hamster who snickers at an elephant joke? Or a Rottweiler who appreciates a well-thrown custard pie in his face? Didn't think so.

Besides loving to laugh, we also like making other people laugh. Who hasn't enjoyed being the center of attention, even if only for a few seconds, after you've told a truly terrific joke? Well, this book has tons of them jokes, howlers, groaners, puns, witty retorts, and practical gags.

One more thing. This book is not to be read in the silence of your bedroom or favorite hiding place. Carry it with you at all times, read it out loud, underline the best parts, dog-ear the pages, share the jokes with all your friends.

Read, laugh, and be more funny!

What kind of dog does Dracula have as a pet?
A bloodhound.

What is the Mummy's favorite music?
Wrap.

Why did King Kong climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He was too big to use the elevator.

What sport do vampires like to watch?
Bat-minton.

Why are most mummies vain and conceited?
They're all wrapped up in themselves.

Why did the dragon cough during the day?
Because he smoked knights.

Why is Frankenstein such a good gardener?
He has a green thumb.

Where does Godzilla sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!

Did you hear about the old vampire who kept his teeth in the freezer?
He gave his victims frostbite.

The little vampire could never gain weight.
His eating was all in vein.

Why does the mad scientist like to eat a hot dog with a glass of beer?
It's a frank and stein.

Did you hear about the zombie hairdresser?
Each day she dyed on the job.

Why did the cheerleading squad move into the haunted house?
Because it's got spirit!

What do you get when you cross a ghost with a firecracker?
Bamboo!

Did you hear about the two vampires who raced one another?
It was neck and neck.

Why are cannibals so popular?
I don't know, but they always have lots of friends for lunch!

What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?

Hole In One

Fill in the missing letters in the words below. Then, copy the letter from each word into the box with the same number. When you're finished, you'll get the answer to this riddle: What did the witch use to fix her broken jack-o'-lantern? HINT: Be careful! Sometimes more than one letter can finish a word. Be sure each letter makes sense in the final answer.

What did the witch use to fix her broken jack-o'-lantern ?

What's Dracula's least favorite food?
A steak. It goes right through him and leaves a nasty case of heartburn.

How many dead people are in the graveyard?
All of them!

What do beekeepers get?
Hives.

What do airline pilots get?
Flu.

What do computer geeks get?
Slipped discs.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.

What do firefighters get?
Water on the knee.

What do workers at McDonald's get?
Fallen arches.

What do carpenters get?
Hangnail.

What do roofers get?
Shingles.

What do spies get?
See-sickness.

What do basketball players get?
Hooping cough.

What do watchmakers get?
All wound up!

Mona: I had trouble with my horse yesterday. I wanted to go in one direction, and he wanted to go in another.
Sam: So how did you decide?
Mona: He tossed me for it.

Sam: I think my pet duck is broken.

Jokin' Around