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Constable & Robinson Ltd
3 The Lanchesters
162 Fulham Palace Road
London WB 9ER
www.constablerobinson.com
First published in the UK by Robinson,
an imprint of Constable & Robinson, 2008
Collection and editorial material copyright Geoff Tibballs 2005
The right of Geoff Tibballs to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication
Data is available from the British Library
UK ISBN 978-1841199672
9 10
First published in the United States in 2008 by Running Press Book Publishers
All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher.
9 8 7 6 5
Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing
Library of Congress Cataloguing-in Publication Data is available on file
ISBN 978-0-7867-1601-2
Running Press Book Publishers
2300 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371
Visit us on the web! www.runningpress.com
Printed and bound in the UK by
CPI Mackays, Chatham ME5 8TD
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
If youre looking for a nice joke book to give your old grandma a chuckle at Christmas, put this book down immediately! Unless, that is, your grandma happens to be a cross-dressing, hard-drinking, sex-crazed, dwarf Mexican nun with a penchant for bikers and donkeys. For be warned, the contents of this bumper collection of brand spanking new, dirty, X-rated, and decidedly politically incorrect jokes is not for the faint-hearted. Even a blonde would blush... if she got any of them.
All of the usual suspects are here jokes about sex, religion, health, old age, politics, different nationalities, men and women bashing, plus a selection of particularly filthy limericks. My only concession to political correctness is that I have tried to be scrupulously fair in ensuring that men receive just as much stick as women and that the English are ridiculed to the same extent as other nations, not least because I firmly believe that the ability to laugh at yourself is one of the keys to a reasonably contented life. Besides, its always good to get the jibe in first. Equally we all need somebody else to laugh at, as long it is not vindictive. After all, the Americans laugh at the Canadians, the Canadians make fun of the Newfies, and they in turn probably mock mercilessly the inhabitants of a tiny island somewhere off the coast of Newfoundland. Its what makes the world of mirth go round. But if you are offended by any of the jokes in this book, then I guess Ive succeeded in my task.
At Constable & Robinson thanks are due to Nick Robinson and Pete Duncan, and also to Eryl Humphrey Jones for some excellent jokes.
Geoff Tibballs
January 2005
ACCIDENTS
| Five people four guys and a young woman were on a plane when it suddenly plunged into the sea. Miraculously all five survived the crash but found themselves stranded on a desert island. Since the guys needed to satisfy their natural urges, with the womans agreement they drew up a rota whereby each would take it in turns to screw her as much as possible for a week at a time. The arrangement worked really well for the next six years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she died unexpectedly. The first month went by and it was awful for the guys; the second month was really bad; the third month was almost unbearable; by the fourth month they couldnt take it any more, so they buried her. |
| A police officer arrived at the scene of a horrific road accident with several fatalities. Body parts were strewn everywhere. He was making notes of where everything was when he suddenly came across a decapitated human head. He wrote in his notebook Head on bullevard but couldnt spell it. He tried bouelevard and boolevard, but still couldnt get it right. So when no one was looking, he kicked the head and wrote Head on kerb. |
| A guy working at a lumberyard accidentally sheared off all ten of his fingers. At the hospital, the surgeon said: Give me the fingers and Ill see what I can do. |
I havent got them, said the man. |
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