Rudy A. Swale - The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes: Over 1,000 Sick, Filthy and X-Rated Jokes

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Table of Contents

A man was wandering around a carnival and he happened to see a fortunetellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

Ah... said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. I see you are the father of two children.

Thats what you think, said the man scornfully. Im the father of THREE children.

The woman grinned and said, Thats what YOU think!

Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parents bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didnt tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.

Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, I want a watch.

The dad sighs and says, Alright, but go and stand in the corner and dont make any noise.

Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?

A. A good thing fucked up by a period.

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a costume party... Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there wearing only underwear.

What the hell are you supposed to be? asked the host.

A premature ejaculation, said the man. I just came in my underpants!

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, Well, tonights the night we have sex!

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!

And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, Im only here to listen to the music.

Yeah? replied the man. Were only here to see our dog.

It was the mailmans last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she made him a full breakfast with a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cups bottom edge. All this is just too wonderful for words, he said, but whats the money for?

Well, she said, last night I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you and he said, Fuck him, give him a fiver.

The lady then said, The breakfast was my idea.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?

The husband replied, All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, What are you thinking now?

He replied, It looks like I did a pretty good job.

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the wife, What is the problem?

She responds, My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, Is that true?

The husband replies, Well not exactly; its her that suffers, not me.

It was a nice sunny day and three men were walking down a country road when they saw a bush with a pigs ass popping out.

The first man says, I wish that was Demi Moores ass.

The second man says, I wish that was Pamela Andersons ass.

Then the third man says, I wish it was dark.

Q. Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?

A. Because they have to pull their own pants down.

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

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