E. Henry Thripshaw - The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

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Constable & Robinson Ltd
3 The Lanchesters
162 Fulham Palace Road
London W6 9ER
www.constablerobinson.com

First published in the UK by Robinson, an imprint of Constable & Robinson, 2010

Copyright E. Henry Thripshaw, 2010 (unless otherwise indicated)

The right of E. Henry Thripshaw to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data is available from the British Library

UK ISBN 978-1-84901-055-9

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

First published in the United States in 2010 by Running Press Book Publishers
All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher.

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing

US Library of Congress number: 2009943393
US ISBN 978-0-7624-4000-9

Running Press Book Publishers
2300 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371

Visit us on the web!

www.runningpress.com

Printed and bound in the EU

Congratulations on buying the special bad taste edition of this book. You have chosen wisely. No depth has been left unplumbed, no barrel unscraped, no bar unlowered to bring you this epic collection of xxx-rated jokes.

There is little or no inoffensive material in this book, apart from a few bland acknowledgments and as they only appear in this opening introduction you are almost past them now. The book itself is printed on non-recycled paper from non-renewable sources, hand bound and printed using very cheap third world labour, the pages glued into place using gelatin from rendered donkey hides and flown thousands of miles to a bookshop near you, thus achieving a carbon footprint at least fifteen times larger than normal for a book even of this size. By the simple act of buying this unnecessarily fat volume, thus increasing the risk of a reprint, you can congratulate yourself upon joining the ranks of some of the worst carbon polluters on the planet.

Finally, I would like to thank the Royal Family for giving me access to the Windsor joke archive, especially their large collection of gratuitously offensive racist material. A special personal thanks also of course to HRH the Duke of Edinburgh for his fine Diana jokes. It was also a great honour to have been one of the first non-royals ever to have set eyes upon the Saxe Coburg Gotha dirty joke archive, which I spent many happy hours poring over, although, alas, the legendary Queen Mary fisting joke proved elusive.

In short, something to offend everyone, I hope.

E. Henry Thripshaw (Colonel)

An aardvark walks into a bar, orders a pint of beer, sits down and starts to read his newspaper. The barman pulls a pint and takes it over to the aardvark, who proffers a 10 note. The barman goes back to the till, returns with a pound coin and duly gives it the aardvark, who doesnt say a word.

The aardvark eventually downs his beer and calls for another one. The barman says to him, You know, we dont get many aardvarks in here.

The aardvark replies, At 9 a pint, Im not fucking surprised.

What do you call an aardvark that keeps getting his head kicked in?

A vark.

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?

Theres a twelve-month waiting list.

What two purchased items are most likely to freak out a cashier?

A pregnancy test and a coat hanger.