Ian Allen - Dad Disasters: When Dads Go Bad

Never trust a man who when left alone
with a tea cosy doesnt try it on.

Billy Connolly

Perhaps I should begin this introduction by warning people who have picked up Dad Disasters in the hope of reading some sort of sub-genre of the ever-popular misery memoir that they will be disappointed. Wait, though! Dont put it back! If your normal reading matter is the mis-mem, then in my experience you could certainly do with a good laugh. After all, theres nothing like a witty, well-crafted, humorous book to take your mind off things, and this is a typical example of exactly the type of corny old Dad gag youll find sprinkled between the stories in the following pages.

So, returning to our topic, which is where I think I was when I was interrupted by the wrong person picking up this book: the Titanic; the Hindenburg; the Tay Bridge collapse. These were all genuine, bona fide disasters, tragedies causing multiple loss of life and distress for thousands. They werent funny when they happened, and if we can laugh at them now through the wrong end of the telescope of time (e.g. How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg), surely its only because laughter is such a wonderful insulator against the pitfalls of life, both large and small. So the few real disasters that have worked their way into the book all come under the category of lessons from history not that Dads are very good at learning lessons.

A Dad Disaster, on the other hand, is a completely different kettle of fish. A Dad Disaster is funny from the moment it happens, for everyone except Dad. Within these pages youll find dozens of dopey Dads making three things: ridiculous mistakes, daft errors of judgement and a fool of themselves, including the Dad whose attempts to discipline his son with tough love backfired when his son became more of a tough than ever; the Dad who in attempting to smuggle drugs into prison to his son made an ass of himself; the Dad who didnt notice his son climbing inside an arcade game; and the Dad who thought it was a good idea to go dancing with crocodiles.

Ive also tossed in a selection of random, unverifiable, silly things that various Dads of family and friends have apparently done down the years, as passed on to me in confidence. I wont embarrass my friends, bearded or otherwise, further by identifying who did what, but the following people have either passed on recollections, or are the subject of them, so Id like to say a big thank you to, or acknowledge a fond memory of: Frank Allen, Michelle Bullock, Shaun Bullock, Robert Barnard, Bill Brevitt and David Hall.

In addition, Ive also tenuously lobbed in a few snippets of Dad trivia, lists and collections that I found interesting. If you dont, theres not much I can do, Im afraid after all, as the old saying goes, if youve enjoyed reading this book half as much as Ive enjoyed writing it, then Ive enjoyed writing it twice as much as youve enjoyed reading it.

Finally, no Dad book would be complete without a smattering of jokes, as we take time out now and again to imagine how things would turn out for your average Dad were he to set out on his dream career as a stand-up comic. To give you just a flavour of the standard of these, heres one that there wasnt room for.

Right then, its open-mic at the comedy club tonight and Im off to practise

We all love our daughters, dont we, Dads? And we love showing off our snaps of our little princess. But about ten years ago one Dad took it a bit far when he decided to combine his love of his daughter and his fondness for tattoos by getting his leg emblazoned with a permanent likeness of his little Sophie.

So far, so good (if you like tattoos, that is). But the artist that our Dad, Malcolm, entrusted his left calf to turned out to be the William McGonagall of the tattoo world, and the result was far from a picture. Malcolm said it looked more like Queen Elizabeth than his daughter, a comparison that a few hundred years ago would have seen him sent to the Tower. His other daughters description of it as an alien is probably more accurate, though I personally reckon its quite princess-like, as anyone who has ever seen Shrek will agree.

As you would hope, it all ended happily ever after for Malcolm and Sophie when Channel Fives Tattoo Disasters stepped in, and in 2015 the offending tattoo was skilfully altered by someone who knew what he was doing to a nice display of roses. Go online if you want to make your own mind up, where youll find a proper picture of the lovely Sophie.

In September 2015, the Daily Mirror reported how one Dads ambitions to become a copper were put on hold when he was turned down by Kent Police.

Matthew Burns seemed like an ideal candidate for a special constable: good character, young, fit, a volunteer with the St Johns Ambulance Brigade for ten years. So what was the problem? Was he too small to fit the helmet? Perhaps his voice wasnt low enough to pass the ello, ello, ello test? Maybe he couldnt quite get sufficient sarcasm into his voice to deliver the line Well, well, well, if it isnt Stirling Moss/Nigel Mansell/Lewis Hamilton? in a satisfactory manner.

No. Poor old Matthew was turned down because he had two potentially offensive tattoos on his arms. One was of an alien, the other was a skeleton, which youd have thought would be quite handy for a first-aider Hold out your arm, Matt, I just want to check which bone hes broken

Anyone would think the long-sleeved shirt had never been invented. And what Dad hasnt done something in his past thats come back to bite him on the bum? Heres hoping that a bit of sense will prevail and Matt, covered or uncovered, will soon be pounding the beat.

Nobodies Perfect

A Tattoo Is For Lif

No Regerts

What Does Not Kill Me Makes Me Stranger

Failure Is Not An Optoin

Its well known that having kids costs an arm and a leg, but rarely a kidney, and certainly not for a man the US media took delight in dubbing the worlds worst father, Byron Perkins. In January 2006 Perkins, who had already served time for bank robbery, was awaiting sentencing after being convicted on firearms and drugs charges. Under uncompromising US law he was looking at a 25-year stretch.

You wouldnt expect him to be given bail in the circumstances, but he impressed the judge with the sincerity of his concern for his teenage son Destin, who was on dialysis and in vital need of a kidney transplant. Perkins was released in order to undergo tests to see if he could donate a spare organ to his lad.