Matthew Fraser - Dad Jokes: 101 of The Worst Dad Jokes You Will Ever Read (But They Will Still Leave You In Stitches!)

You know life is hard when I try to hug someone super sexy and then my face hits into the mirror.

Why wife thinks all men are annoying.

I said not all of them, some are dead.

I can keep secrets.

Its the people I tell that cant seem to.

You should always take my advice, its not as though Im dumb enough to.

My wife asked me to go out and get something that makes her look really sexy.

I got drunk.

Wife: I need some space to work on something

Dad: You should call NASA then

Wife: Its cold tonight honey

Dad: yes but if you go into the corner, its 90 degrees there.

Son: Make me a bagel please?

Dad: ok, abracadabra, you are now a bagel.

Wife: Did you buy me Perfume?

Dad: No, its for me.

Wife: Whats the weather like today?

Dad: I dont know I never asked it.

Daughter: What are you making for dinner?

Dad: Im telling your mom to make a roast.

Son: What time is it?

Dad: Time you got a watch son.

Dad: Honey can you come in here and turn on the light?

Wife: sure, whats up?

Dad: Nothing, thats it, thanks.

Wife: What time are you coming home from the bar?

Dad: When I run out of money.

I hate it when strangers open a door.

Its like I already know how to do it myself.

I dont understand the term when life gives you lemons.

Life only gives me crippling debt, anxiety and the inability to maintain an erection.

My wife loved the 50 Shades of Grey books so I bought her the DVD.

The thing is that its actually a porno in disguise.

Son: Wheres mom?

Dad: she left us...

Son: what? OMG? Where?

Dad: to the store I believe.

Wife: What do you want for dinner?

Dad: Rabbit?

Wife: what? From where?

Dad: from the pet store of course, its cheaper.

I dont understand Rush Hour.

Its the most difficult and slowest part of the working day.

Who is Beethovens favourite pop band?

The Bach street boys

What does Napolean Bonaparte call his toilet?

The waterloo

How did Stalin know communism wouldnt work?

There were red flags everywhere

Did you hear about Einsteins theory about space?

Its about time too.

Why do hipsters buy more apple products these days?

Because Steve Jobs is underground.

Why was Shakespeare so good in high school?

He didnt have to learn Shakespeare.

Why did the photon not carry luggage at the airport?

It was travelling light.

A Buddhist walks into a cocktail bar.

Make me one with everything.

I always tell actors I meet to break a leg.

Because every play has a cast.

If whales are so smart then why do they always swim near Japan?

Why is Cuba a great holiday destination?

Because everyone there is Havana good time!

How do you get a Canadian to apologize?

Stand on their foot.

Arguing with my wife is like reading Terms and Conditions online.

I eventually ignore it all and click I agree.

What happens when you throw a finnish guy off a boat?