Brad Getty - I Was an Awesomer Kid

Text copyright 2015 by Brad Getty.

Cover photograph Lane Jordan. Used with permission.
Cover model: Lane Jordan

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without
written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Getty, Brad.

I was an awesomer kid / Brad Getty.
ISBN 978-1-4521-3653-0 (pb)
ISBN 978-1-4521-4153-4 (epub, mobi)
ISBN 978-1-4521-4916-5 (epub fxl)
ISBN 978-1-4521-4917-2 (mobi fxl)

1. ChildrenHumor. I. Title.

Designed by Nami Kurita and Allison Weiner

Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, California 94107
www.chroniclebooks.com

Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.
DR. SEUSS

Back when skinned knees and grass stains were your badges of honor, you were a death-dodging Picasso of finger painting who pissed into the wind of life... and your pants.

Your imagination ran wild and you ran wilder. You were free, you were crazy, you were terrible, you were an awesomer kid.

You were the biggest little badass this world had ever seen. Fear feared you as you rolled through the streets with training wheels and a ten-foot-tall swagger. If you could count, youd count all the shits you didnt give. Some called it the terrible twos, but that was just you asserting your undersized self in an oversized world.

You risked it all and then some. Broken bones and endless doctor bills were your calling cards as you crashed through your existence. Adrenaline was your drug, speed was your muse, and death was your copilot. Every day was another chance to reach for the danger zone and risk your life in the pursuit of badassness.

Now you overanalyze risk and carefully walk the tightrope of safety. You live in an airbag-filled world.

Lets feel alive again. Safe is boring. Lets raise hell and the hair on the back of our necks again like when we were awesomer kids.

Olympians had nothing on you, so you shut down the show by killing your living-room-floor routine that ended with your signature London Bridge splits. Every public outing was your chance to claim fifteen minutes of fame, and each performance fearlessly began with Look at what I can do!

Now youre terrified to display your God-given talents. Your brain whispers lies to your confidence that keep you out of the spotlight. Youre not good enough. Theyll make fun of you. You shouldnt do this at a wedding reception.

Screw that. Stop doubting yourself. Its time to show off the way you did when you were an awesomer kid.

Long before you skulled two beers to the face, you were straight double-crushing bottles of juice... and life.

So, next time youre saddled up to two fists full of the frost-brewed finest, cheers yourself for inventing the most awesome way to drink.

Your think-box was still untamed by school. Mind-expanding drugs couldnt help adults reach the far-off places your mind created. Dragon rides, imaginary friends, and ninja underwear fights were completely normal.

Now youve got the imagination of a rock. You cant even finger paint an animal that has never existed or make up a planet in outer space.

Its bullshit. Lets daydream again. Lets make believe and believe in what weve made up.

Only suckers smile. When the camera came out you performed facial gymnastics and contorted your cute little looks into monstrous configurations. Each new vanguard expression was conjured from the inner demon that you were.

Now, you put on your best face for the world because you care about its opinion. Each carefully practiced smile is an attempt to trick everyone into believing that youre a happy, well-adjusted, socially acceptable adult.

But fake smiles are boring. Lets make faces for fun again and shock the world with our weirdness like an awesomer kid would.

Maybe it was that hit to the soft spot, but you found endless fun everywhere. Youd stack cans for hours and laugh at your nose getting stolen.

Now youre bored even with 487 TV channels. Internet has rotted your brain and social media makes you less social. Youre bored because youre boring.

Lets wean ourselves from the screen. Lets look at everything as a toy and make up games that the world has never played. Lets log off-line and log back into life like when we were awesomer.

It was your thunder and nobody was going to steal it. So you shoved snotnoses out of your moments because your stage wasnt meant to be shared.

Its a bullshit world now where everyone gets their time to shine. Participant ribbons have taken the place of first-place trophies and everyone is a star.

Its time to stop sharing and worrying about everyones feelings. If we work our asses off, we take the credit. Life is a fight and the people who win it should just enjoy the glory like an awesomer kid would.

You were a goofy bastard whose oddball antics kept everyone entertained. What few thoughts went through your brain usually resulted in unintentional comedic gold that went down in family history. You were the jackass before Jackass ever started getting hit in the nuts for TV.

Now you worry about how youll be perceived. Your business life has spilled into the off hours and every social-media interaction is polished to present you in your best light.

Seriously, lets be less serious again. Were all different shades of strange and its time to stop hiding the amazing offbeat awesomer kid that is in all of us.

Child leashes were a response to your lone-wolf ways. Your wild spirit called you to wander and venture away from the pack until mall security picked you up.