Lawrence Dorfman - The Snark Handbook: A Reference Guide to Verbal Sparring

Skyhorse and Skyhorse Publishing are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc., a Delaware corporation. Visit our website at www.skyhorsepublishing.com. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file. Cover design by Brian Peterson Print ISBN: 978-1-63450-379-2 Ebook ISBN: 978-1-63450-385-3 Printed in China A child of five would understand this. Someone get me a child of five. GROUCHO MARX Tragedy is when I cut my finger.

Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. MEL BROOKS Contents Preface Asking a writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. CHRISTOPHER HAMPTON Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. DILBERT 009. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness. Blah, blah, blah...

Who are we kidding? It was the worst of times, in fact the absolute worst of times. No wisdom, not much light... bleak. (Different Dickens.) The economy was still reeling from getting porked by the banks, impeachment talk was running wild throughout the political world, a plane crashed into the Hudson River... I had been working for a major publisher in New York, trying to navigate the morass of posers, sycophants, back-biting scum, and cowardly lions that made up most publishing houses in those days. Just around the first of the year, I was called into HR.

Never a good sign. There I was told that my position was being eliminated, and, oh by the way, you along with it. I was stunned and shocked, but most of all, I was pissed. An editor friend called me up when she heard the news. So, ready to write me a book? What do you want to write about? A few ideas came to mind. Poison for beginners.

IQ tests for bosses. How to lure publishing execs into fast moving trafficblindfolded? All seemed promising, although admittedly, a bit narrow in focus. I had just read Snark: Its Mean, Its Personal, and Its Ruining Our Conversation by David Denby, a polemic on how snark was ruining conversation in America. And while the main focus of the book centered around the political arena, it touched on snark as a mean, base, and unruly method of putting someone or something down while elevating oneself. And I disagreed. I loved snark.

By which I mean, the well-placed barb, couched in knowing humor, swathed in intelligent commentary and put out there for those in the know to get and understand. An in joke for a small audience; a shield against the moronic masses that assault us daily. I called upon readers to embrace their snark and assured them that it would set them free. My first book collected a whos who of the great wits. Classic snarkists like Groucho Marx, Dorothy Parker, H.L. Mencken, Oscar Wilde, and Shakespeare living side by side with contemporary pundits like Lewis Black, Jon Stewart, Tina Fey, P.J.

ORourke, and Dennis Miller. There were games and jokes and all kinds of repartee. A ticker-tape running along the bottom of the page with quick shots, a la CNN. The original Lewis Carroll poem. Old-fashioned illustrations. It sold well.

It should have. Everywhere you turned, there it was, the word Snarkon TV, in movies, in print, on the radio. Coupling those venues with social mediaGawker and Facebook and Twitter and the restSnark took on a life of its own. There were a few definitions being put forth, mostly by me. A witty combination of cynicism and sarcasm. along with descriptive words like snappish and irascible. along with descriptive words like snappish and irascible.

Again with the blah, blah, blah. But the truth was that snarks a tool. It demands an appreciation for intelligence, the need to be modestly well read, and possession of that offbeat, eyebrow-rising, quirky sense of humor. It required stealth and speed and focus. Most of all, it required you to buy the book. I took some hits from reviewers, mostly on Amazon.

Write much? wrote one genius wag. Too many old jokes, wrote another. The title was misleading, they exclaimed. I was misogynistic, they nagged. Almost all claimed to be so snarky that they didnt need to buy my book. (Their comments clearly demonstrated, not.) A few complained that it wasnt snarky enough.

All I can say is... thanks for playing the home game. This book is a primer. A reference guide to snark through the quotes of people you may or may not have heard of, but ones you definitely should have. A guidebook to sharpening up the verbal skills to help you traverse the maddening terrain that passes for todays conversation. Or giggle. Or snort. Or snort.

Or (heaven forbid)... laugh outright. The intention is to turn your anger into something a bit more positive... fun. With attitude. Stay snarky.

LD Introduction Life sucks, get a fucking helmet, okay? DENIS LEARY A Snark is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. H. L. MENCKEN ( with help from the author ) Y OU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED that I have both a preface and an introduction. If you did, youre observant. Thats the first step to being a successful snarkist.

You have to carry an attitude of I know more than you do. Even if you dont. If someone calls you on being too sarcasticor, god forbid, meanits imperative that you quote from The Hunting of the Snark. Ive made it easy for you by reprinting some of it here: The Hunting of the Snark by Lewis Carroll Just the place for a Snark! the Bellman cried, As he landed his crew with care; Supporting each man on the top of the tide By a finger entwined in his hair. Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: That alone should encourage the crew. Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: What I tell you three times is true.

While, for those who preferred a more forcible word, He had different names from these: His intimate friends called him Candle-ends, And his enemies Toasted-cheese. His form is ungainlyhis intellect small (So the Bellman would often remark) But his courage is perfect! And that, after all, Is the thing that one needs with a Snark. How to Be Snarky Snark is usually innate; however, if you would still like to attempt developing this ability, your chances of success are greatly increased if you are intelligent, or at the least not mentally incapable of detecting and reproducing sarcastic remarks. If you cannot make your very own snarky comments, you can still pass as having some grasp of this art by being able to recognize snark when it is spoken by someone else and to retain it in memory long enough to use it at a later time when its relevant. Its easy to be annoying. Its easy to be bitchy.