Lawrence Dorfman - The Sarcasm Handbook

Copyright 2017 by Lawrence Dorfman

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Michael Short

Cover artwork: Shutterstock

ISBN: 978-1-5107-2326-9

eISBN: 978-1-5107-2327-6

Printed in China

Also by Lawrence Dorfman

The Snark Handbook

The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition

Snark the Herald Angels Sing

Snark Handbook: Sex Edition

Snark Handbook: Politics and Government

Snark Handbook: Clichs

Snark Handbook: Parenting

The Snark Bible

The Illustrated Dictionary of Snark

Schadenfreude

The Cigar Lovers Compendium

Authors Note

Hey, you. Yeah, thats right, you.

Trying to decide if this is worth laying out a few bucks at the cash register, or if you can get away with stuffing it in your pants and walking out? Is this really worth risking getting caught, arrested, and ending up sharing a 6 x 6 cell with Bubba? (Thats Mister Bubba to you.)

So, heres the scoop of what you can expect.

Theres a bunch of quotes.

I mean, its not Bartletts Familiar Quotations , but theres a good amount of people in herefamous, not-so-famous, infamous, and who the hell is that people who have shared their take on this off-kilter world we live in.

Then we have some jokes, one-liners, biting retorts.

Stuff to read instead of that must-read novel you wanted to crack open. (You know youre going to go through a bunch of reviews and then just pretend that you read it anyway. How many people do you think actually read Umberto Eco?)

Its easy. Perfect for those brief moments when you crave a smidge of entertainment and frivolity. Bite-sized. Just dip in, dip out. Yes, what youre holding is the perfect little book for the john. And dont forget to wash your hands.

Go now, no ones looking.

Clarification

Youre going to see *(S) at points throughout this book.

This is the emoticon du jour to indicate the need for a sarcastic tone.

Lets give it a try:

Say Im trying to imagine you with a personality. *(S)

Again, aloud this time with attitude.

(Sigh)

Alright, not bad. Not good either.

Stay with me and by the end of this book, you should have it mastered. [Optional *(S) well just have to wait and see.]

Contents

Introduction

If you dont want a sarcastic answer, dont ask me a stupid question.

U NKNOWN

In 2009, I lost my job in publishing.

The great geniuses *(S) who ran the company (and believe me there were many) decided that my position was no longer necessarydespite the fact that they didnt have a clue as to what I did or how I did it.

However, they did have the big desk, and after years of calling meetings and having lunches, they knew *(S) that without my position, there would be greater profit and bigger bonuses for all of them.

After all, they had been barely squeaking by on high six-figure salaries. *(S) And to be fair, publishing wasnt all that different from just about every other business at the tail end of the I got mine 90s, which had followed hot on the tail of the Who can I screw now? 80s.

On the street for the first time in my life, I jumped on the fun-filled carousel of job hunting, hoping to quickly grab that golden ring of job security and career fulfillment. After months of nausea and the vertigo of the interview process, I got a call from a friend who was an editor at a newish publisher and was looking to build a list.

She asked me if I wanted to write something.

I laughed. An author? Me?

I had spent a lifetime watching stay-at-home moms, overworked teachers, and road-weary salesmen approach the altar of fame and fortune with their blood-and-sweat-stained manuscripts only to be beaten back by self-righteous publishing folks critical of material that was too derivative, too original, too limited, too unfocused, too unpublishable. Thanks for playing, but dont let the door hit yr ass on the way out.

And they were the lucky ones.

The poor slobs who were allowed to enter the arena typically found their heartfelt prose twisted, tweaked, sliced and diced. Their titles were discarded and their cover concepts designed by people who had never read a single word of their work. Demanding deadlines were enacted, penalties imposed, inflated print runs established.

And if by some very small chance it did well, you were committed to do it again and again and again every year.

Did I want to add to the vast wasteland that book publishing had become? Was the next great American (or Lithuanian) novel percolating inside me, rife with product placement and of the time content that made it easier to tie in to advertising and sponsors?

Was I dying to explore some quasi-great figure from history or spew out a bio of some momentarily interesting musician or flash in the pan that Rolling Stone deemed hot?

Would my legacy be a commitment of time and energy in hopes of producing some great remainder-in-waiting, destined to sell at Barnes and Noble on the $4.98 table next to the Pictorial History of the Merchant Marines ?

Oh, yes. Can I, can I please? *(S)

No, really. Can I, can I please?

I wanted tono, needed to prove to all those colleagues, through all those years, at all those publishing houses, that I could do it differently.

I would be an Author. (With a capital A .) Author!

But now I needed something to write about?

I was always a voracious reader. This was made easy by working in a business where free books were a major perk. Not much money for us lowly grunts in publishing, but all the books you can eat. *(S)

When I started, we got one free copy of every book that my company published. Every single one. Every bodice-ripping romance and no-taste diet cookbook. We had some mighty toasty fires those years. *(S)

Other sales reps were always sending me packages with new titles from their companies. Soon my name was added to a number of big mouth lists, where it was expected that I talk up the new book by Stephen Kings wifes sisters nephews babysitters mother on the chance I could get someone to buy it. I would search through daily deliveries for the rare book that would be worthy of my big mouth.