Lawrence Dorfman - The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition: Comebacks, Taunts, and Effronteries

Hes just another flash in the bedpan. She couldnt exude warmth if she was on fire. Youll have to excuse him. Hes going through a nonentity crisis. The terrifying power of the human sex drive is horrifically demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you. A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind. Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner. It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. You fill a much-needed gap. You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to muffler. If he were any more stupid, hed have to be watered twice a week. Id like to give you a going-away present... but you have to do your part. I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving. I dont mind that you are talking so long if you dont mind that Im not listeningIhear what youre saying, but I just dont care. If what you dont know cant hurt you, shes practically invincible. Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever. Hes such a heavy drinker that of being born again, why dont you just grow up? Never enter a battle of wits unarmed. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live. The cream rises to the top. So does the scum. The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you. He has the most remarkable and seductive geniusand I should say about the smallest in the world. If I were him Id be less concerned with whom Id descended from and more concerned with where Id descended to. If her nose was turned up any more, shed blow off her hat every time she sneezed. If she holds her nose any higher shell develop a double chin at the back of her neck. The thing about him that exhausts me most is his patter of little feats. You rargumen ti sinteresting up to a pointthe point of departure. Shell talk her head off about confidences that she said left her speechless. She has a highly developed sense of rumor. Lets play horseIll be the head and you be yourself. The only thing that deprives her of the final word is an echo. Why dont we both go somewhere where we can both be alone? Hes one of Gods Muppets. Im busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? I dont consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. The only place youre ever invited is outside. He got a brain transplant, and the brain rejected him. I know you are nobodys fool, but maybe someone will adopt you. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo. I never forgot the first time we metI keep trying, though. Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs. You have a lot of well-wishers... they all want to throw you down one. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Somebody hollers hoedown and your girlfriend hits the floor. A tornado hit your home and caused $10,000 worth of improvement. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. Keep talking; someday youll say something intelligent. Before you came along I was hungry. Now Im completely fed up. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldnt have given you worse advice. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? Do you want people to accept you as you are ... or do you want them to like you? He has a mind like a steel trapalways closed. He is living proof that man can live without a brain. People like you are the reason Im on medication. Dont piss me off today, Im running out of places to hide bodies. I have always wondered why people bang their heads against brick walls ... then I met you. Dont let your mind wander. Its way too small to be outside by itself. I had a nightmare. I dreamt I was you. Everyone is entitled to be stupid sometime, but you abuse the privilege. I am not antisocial.... I just dont like you Ther ear esom eridiculousl ystupi dpeopl ei nthis world. You just helped me realize it. Until you called me I couldnt remember the last time I wanted somebodys fingers to break so badly. Cancel my subscriptions.... Im tired of your issues. Earth is full. Go home. Heres a hint ... if I didnt answer you the first twenty-five times, what makes you think the next twenty-five will work? Talking to you is as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns. How about a few less questions and a little more shut the hell up? Lets see, Ive walked the dog, cleaned my room, gone shopping, and gossiped with my friends ... nope, this list doesnt say that Im required to talk to you. The village just called. They said they were missing their idiot. I couldnt really understand them, but Im pretty sure they were saying your name. Of course Id like to help you out. Which way did you come in? Id like to see things from your point of view, but I cant seem to get my head that far up my ass. Mirrors dont talk ... but, lucky for you, they dont laugh, either. Hes got diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the ideas. Dont get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance? Save your breath.... Youll need it to blow up your date. People clap when they see you they clap their hands over their eyes. Learn from your parents mistakesuse some birth control. They say opposites attract ... so I hope you meet somebody who is attractive ... honest ... intelligent ... cultured ... Why dont you slip into something more comfortable ... like a coma? Go outside and play Hide and go f**k yourself. My mother always said never talk to strangers, and theres no one stranger than you. No, you dont know me, you just wish you did. You have your whole life to be an asshole ... how about you take today off? A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero. A guy with your IQ should have a low voice, too. A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it. A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind. Alone: In bad company. And there he was: reigning supreme at number two. Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours. As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. Dont mind him. He has a soft heart ... and a head to match. Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege. Its an excellent time to become a missing person. Fat? Youre not fat, youre just ... fat. Go ahead, tell them everything you know. Itll only take ten seconds. Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass. He has the IQ of lint. Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport? He can open his mail with that nose! He comes from a long line of real estate people ... theyre a vacant lot. He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly. He has a mechanical mind. He just forgot to wind it up this morning. He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow. He has more faces than Mount Rushmore. He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance. He is so short his hair smells like feet He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot. He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her. She was cold, hard, cracked, and only got plowed around the holidays. He smells the coffee, but cant find the pot. He would be out of his depth in a parking-lot puddle. Hed steal the straw from his mothers kennel. Hes got that faraway look. The farther away he gets, the better he looks. Hes not stupid; hes possessed by a retarded ghost. Hes so dense that light bends around him. Hes the first in his family born without a tail. Hes the only man who, if told to screw himself, could do it. Hes the reason brothers and sisters shouldnt marry. His brain waves fall a little short of the beach. His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity. His origins are so low, youd have to limbo under his family tree. His personalitys split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy. I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you were dead. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that youve never used it. I cant talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years? Was your brother an only child? He went to have his head examined, but the doctors found nothing there. I like you. People say Ive got no taste, but I like you. I like your approach, now lets see your departure. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you. I will defend to your death my right to my opinion. I wonder how many angels could dance on his head? I worship the ground that awaits you. Id hate to see you go, but Id love to watch you leave! Id like to have the spitting concession on his grave. Id rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you. If I promise to miss you, will you go away? If I want any shit outta you, Ill squeeze your head. If idiots could fly, this would be an airport. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. Im glad to see youre not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance. Im going to memorize your name and throw my head away. Im not as dumb as you look. In the land of the witless, the half-wit is king. It is mind over matter. I dont mind, because you dont matter. Its hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen. Ive come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are. Ive only got one nerve left, and youre getting on it. Make somebody happy. Mind your own business. Moonlight becomes youtotal darkness even more! People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing all right. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. She had a mouth dirtier than the toilet seat at Grand Central. She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face. She was another one of his near Mrs. Shes a lot like train tracksshes been laid across the country. Shes got a body that wont quit and a brain that wont start. Shes like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border. Slit your wristsit will lower your blood pressure. Some day you will find yourselfand wish you hadnt. Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was. Talk is cheap, but so are you. The only thing he brought to this job was his car. The wheel is still spinning, but the hamster died. There are only two things I dislike about herher face. There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious, and you are all of them. There is no vaccine against stupidity. Thinking isnt your strong suit, is it? This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man. We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there? What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity. Whatever is eating youmust be suffering horribly. Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine? You are no longer beneath my contempt. You are so dumb you sit on the TV and watch the sofa. You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for two days. You have a speech impediment ... your foot. You have a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck there? You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. You remind me of the oceanyou make me sick. You say that you are always bright and early. Well, okay, we know you are early. You should be the poster child for birth control. You should do some soul-searching. Maybe youll find one. You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light. You started at the bottomand its been downhill ever since. You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant. Youre a habit Id like to kick, with both feet. Youre like one of those idiots savants, except without the savant part. Youre so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company. Youre so fat you got baptized at SeaWorld. Youve got more chins than a Chinese phone book! Youre so slow it takes you an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes . Youre so small, you pose for trophies. Shes so stupid she trips over the cord of a cellular phone. Youve got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice. Youve never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to. Youre the best at all you doand all you do is make people hate you. I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you havent fallen asleep yet. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. Im trying to imagine you with a personality. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, Ill put shoes on my cats. Do I look like a people person? This isnt an office. Its hell with fluorescent lighting. Ahard-on doesnt count as personal growth. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest one of your erogenous zones. He wasnt breast-fed. His mother just wanted to be good friends. He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools. No; you idiot, Meow Mix is not a CD for cats. Thats it, no more free will. Your e special ... and I mean that in the Olympics way. The only time he touched a breast was in a bucket of KFC. A PBS mind in an MTV world. A womans favorite position is CEO. Allow me to introduce my selves. And which dwarf are you? Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. Did I mention the kick in the groin youll be receiving if you touch me? Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? Does your train of thought have a caboose? I plead contemporary insanity. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. If I throw a stick, will you leave? Im not your type. Im not inflatable. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting Im wrong. Meandering to a different drummer. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. You... Off my planet! No, you idiot, Meow Mix is not a CD for cats. When you get to the mens room, you will see a sign that says, Gentlemen. Pay no heed to it. Go right on in. A well-balanced person with a chip on both shoulders. Another dopeless hope fiend! Are you always an idiot, or just when Im around? If you want to get laid, crawl up a chickens ass and wait! Tell me the story of that dress. Its obviously an old favorite.