Funny Books: 750 Epic One Line Insults, Witticisms and Comebacks!: Cring, Laugh and Cry at these Cut-throat Slams, Retorts, Quips and Wisecracks!

Table of Contents

Introduction

Ever wanted that perfect comeback in an argument but could not think of one? WE ALL DO!

That is why I spent copious amounts of shameless hours Insult Finding to create this collection of the very best cut-throat, below the belt and politically incorrect insults I could possibly find. I have personally implemented dozens of these insults on various jerks in my daily life to great effect! I have never felt less frustrated and more gratified for as long as I can remember No Joke! I can personally testify that these insults work great! So for less than the price of a half-caff extra foam cinnamon sprinkled low-fat mocha at Starbucks served by a bearded hipster, you are going to get a nearly free course called EPIC INSULTS AND COMEBACKS 101, held at J. Paulys college of life (online courses available) Enjoy!

Your Friend,
J. Pauly, creator of the FunnyBooks Oddball Interests series.
P.S. If you like this book, check out my other book about wild America called Funny Books: Crazy Craigslist True Stories: Cringe, Laugh, and be shocked at the WORST of Craigslist!

See you online!

GIVE ME MY ONE LINERS

You asked for it, and you got it! Here is the mother of all insults and come backs put together in one giant chapter for ease of browsing. From co-worker insults, road rage insults, people who cut you off insults; this list covers it all! Arm yourself with comebacks in 3-2-1 GO!

THE ONE LINERS START HERE

With all the shit that comes out of your mouth, your ass must be really jealous.

Its not that I hate you, but if you were on life support Id unplug it to charge my phone.

Roses are red, violets are blue, of my five fingers, the middle ones for you.

You dont have a birth certificate; your parents have an apology letter from the condom factory.

Your brain must be in mint condition, since Ive never seen you use it.

I regret that I only have two middle fingers to show you how I feel.

I saw your mom get a fine for littering after she dropped you off for school.

I hear most accidents happen on a highway, were you born on one?

Come on, if you have to be two-faced, do they both have to be ugly?

Every day, I look at all the people that dont know you, and Im jealous.

Im trying to look at the world from your point of view, but my head cant fit that far up my own ass.

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup, and my shit would be smarter than what you just said.

If I ever want to kill myself, Ill jump off your ego, all the way down to your IQ.

Two wrongs are never going to make a right; just look at your parents.

With that many pricks you dont have a family tree, you have a cactus.

Youre too stupid to be a smart-ass. Youre just an ass.

Its not that I have a problem with you, but if I had water and you were on fire, Id drink the water.

Just let people think youre an idiot, if you say anything youll only prove them right.

I dont have the time to explain this, and I dont have the crayons youd need to understand it.

No matter what you do, you'll never be half the man your mother is.

My wife and I had twenty years of happiness. That all ended when we met.

Everyone is a piece of toilet paper, either youre on a roll or youre taking shit from some asshole.

I cant figure out how to turn off the auto-correct on my wife.

My therapist tells me Im fixated vengeance, but Ill show him. Ill show them all.

Studies show that women with slightly more body mass live longer than the men who comment on it.

If I could have a dollar for every girl that doesnt think Im attractive, sooner or later theyll find me attractive.

I dont really hate you, but Id take you off life support if I needed to charge my phone.

Strong people dont put the weak down. They know it does more damage to lift them up and slam them hard on the ground for maximum damage.

My grandfather died so peacefully in his sleep, I really envy him. His passengers that died screaming, not so much.

Youre so ugly they give you the camera when its time for a group photo.

The wifi went down at dinner and some kid started complaining. No clue who he was.

Theyre asking for donations for the public pool. I think I can afford to part with a glass of water.

Lots of sleep helps keep you from getting old. Especially when youre behind the wheel.

I am very much a man of the 21st century. I dont make history, I delete it.

Every argument with my wife ends up with me outvoted 1-1.

Only three things absolutely need witnesses: crimes, accidents, and marriages. I rest my case.

Every time I leave the store without finding what I want, all I can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

Forgiveness is so much easier to ask for than permission.

Halloween: lie about who you are and get a sweet treat!

Red, white, and blue only stand for freedom if theyre not flashing behind you.

I have a snoring problem. Every time I doze off, it gets so loud that it scares all the passengers in my car.

If you want to call a family meeting, turn off the wifi and theyll come running.

I know God doesnt just give you whatever you want. So instead of asking for a bike, I stole one and asked for forgiveness.

I hurt myself yesterday when I saw someone really sexy. I went to hug them and smashed my face into the mirror.

A bikini reveals 90% of a womans body. I understand that can be uncomfortable, so I only look at the covered parts.

You could only get laid if you crawled into a hens ass and waited until it pushed you out.

Roses are red violets are blue, some people are cute, what happened to you?

Theres a bit of food on your chin. No, not that one, third one down.

You're so fat you cant even do the ABCs, just the KFCs.

You know whatd be funny? If you slipped on a banana peel and fell right into a coma.

If I tried to see things your way, wed both be wrong.

Your face looks like it caught on fire and you tried to put it out with a hammer.

Life is all about perspective. Just remember, the Titanic sinking was lucky for the lobsters in the kitchen.

I wish my wife was more like my job. Ive spent five years with both, and the job still sucks.

I think my neighbor might be stalking me. I watched her google my name through my binoculars yesterday.

My wifes great. She always forgives me when it turns out shes wrong.

Money talks. For instance, mine keeps saying good bye.

I changed all my passwords to incorrect so whenever I get it wrong the computer just tells it to me.

I started out with nothing, and Ive been holding the status quo ever since.

Look alcohol, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer, but Ive seen the video. We need to talk.

Theres nothing wrong with a few late-night snacks. Why else would there be a light bulb in the refrigerator?

When I have to name an emergency contact, I always write the best doctor you can find.