Steven Price - 1001 Funniest Things Ever Said

W. C. Fields

I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I dont know; its hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

W. C. Fields appeared on the program with ventriloquist Edgar Bergen with whose dummy, Charlie McCarthy, Fields had a running feud. Fields smuggled a saw on stage and, as a stunned Bergen looked on, finally cut his adversary down to size. Ill always have a warm place for you, Charlie, Fields said.

Where? Charlie asked. In your heart?

No, in my fireplace.

Madam , theres no such thing as a tough childif you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

With his wife Gracie Allen and his ever-present cigar, Burns was a popular figure on radio and TV, living to age 100 and working almost until his death.

First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good womanor a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Jack [Benny] was tremendously talented, and I can honestly say Ive never heard anyone play the violin the way he did. And Ill always be grateful for that, too.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I cant remember if its the thirteenth or fourteenth.

A star of radio and TV, Benny was well known for his supposed stinginess and less-than-virtuoso violin playing.

Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says, Your money or your life! An extremely long silence follows. Your money or your life! the thug repeats.

Finally Benny says, Im thinking!

I dont want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I dont deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I dont deserve that either.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three centsthats my kind of guy.

about Abraham Lincoln

Its a real Strad, you know. If it isnt Im out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that its one of the few Strads made in Japan.

about his fiddle

The last time I got a standing ovation was in England when I played with the London Philharmonic. I played the Wieniawski Concerto, and when I finished, the whole audience stood up and walked out!

Give me golf clubs , fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

The king of the one-liners, Youngman is best known for his Take my wife... please! signature joke.

The patient says, Doctor, it hurts when I do this.

The doctor replies, Then dont do that!

The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window.

What will that do? asks the patient.

The doctor says, Im mad at my neighbor!

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business: Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize shes given you two $100 bills. Now, heres where the ethics come in: Should you or should you not tell your partner ?

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.

She said, We cant do that!

I told her, You did it last week!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I asked my wife, Where do you want to go for our anniversary ? She said, Somewhere I have never been! I told her, How about the kitchen?

A woman in a bar says to a man, I havent seen you around here.

The man replies, Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife.

The woman says, Oh, so youre single....