Hugh Payne - Take My Wife: 523 Jokes, Riddles, Quips, Quotes, and Wisecracks About Love, Marriage, and the Battle of the Sexes

TAKE MY WIFE

535 Jokes, Riddles, Quips, Quotes, and Wisecracks About Love, Marriage, and the Battle of the Sexes

HUGH PAYNE

Illustrations by Martha Gradisher

Copyright 2008 by Highland Enterprises
Original artwork copyright 2008 by Martha Gradisher

All rights reserved. No part of this book, either text or illustration, may be used or
reproduced in any form without the prior written permission from the publisher.

ISBN-13: 978-1-57912-597-4

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Payne, Hugh.
Take my wife: 535 jokes, riddles, quips, quotes, and wisecracks about love, marriage,
and the battle of the sexes/Hugh Payne.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-57912-597-4

1. MarriageHumor. I. Title.

PN6231.M3P39 2008
818.602dc22

2008000139

Cover and interiors designed by Cindy LaBreacht

Manufactured in the USA

Published by
Black Dog & Leventhal Publishers, Inc.
151 West 19th Street
New York, New York 10011

Distributed by
Workman Publishing Company
225 Varick Street
New York, NY 10014

g f e d c b a

CHAPTER 1
TAKE MY WIFE

CHAPTER 2
I DO: HILARIOUSLY HITCHED

CHAPTER 3
I DID: NEWLYWEDS

CHAPTER 4
FIFTH ANNIVERSARY

CHAPTER 5
TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY

CHAPTER 6
FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY

CHAPTER 7
DIVORCE

EPILOGUE
SOMETHING BORROWED, A FEW THINGS BLUE

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE!

Behind every great man is
a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

What counts in making a happy marriage
is not so much how compatible you are,
but how you deal with incompatibility.
Leo Tolstoy

Am I dating myself by titling this book after Henny Youngmans oft-invoked plea? How many of you reading this even remember the King of the One-Liners, who died in 1998 at the ripe old age of ninety-one? Henny set out to be a violinist and stumbled upon his classic line, Take my wife please! quite by accident. He went on to make a pretty good living as a comedian, poking fun at his wife, Sadie, and their marriage, among other things, with brilliant one-liners delivered in rapid-fire succession. Truth is, he loved his wife deeply and she in turn appreciated his hard work. They were happily married for nearly sixty years, and Henny outlived her by more than a decade. On her deathbed, Sadie implored Henny to continue poking fun at wives and marriage in his act. And, though he felt hed lost his muse, he did so.

The irony in Hennys storythat he mocked marriage, yet was happily married himselfgoes right to the point of this book (if there is one). Marriages evolve as the years go on. The jokes, wisecracks, and smart remarks collected here are organized by the various phases through which every marriage must pass, from the idealistic young love (and lust) of the newlywed to the more earthbound forms of affection that take over as the stork arrives, and then the wrinkles and sags. If you see yourself in any of these jokes, dont be offended. Have a laugh and move on, knowing that you arent alone.

I can hear a few of you squawking right now, Hang on there, Hugh. Flossie and I have been married more than thirty years and were still like newlyweds, sexy and full of love! To that I say, good for you, Morty. The fact is, while the divorce rate hovers at around 50 percent, gazillions of people are still getting married. There are days when even the most happily married couple cant stand to look at each other, and other days when theres nowhere theyd rather be than sitting side by side on a loveseat, watching The Apprentice. That, folks, is marriage.

I dedicate this book to Henny and Sadie, to Flossie and Morty, and to all of you other folks out there (myself included), who are making a go of this rather peculiar institution. Good luck. Youll need it!

Love always,
Hugh

Wedding wit in one line, more or less

Marriage is not a word. Its a sentence, a life sentence.

My wife is an angel.
Shes always flying around the house
harping about something.

First guy (proudly): My wifes an angel.
Second guy: Youre lucky. Mines still alive.

Marriage is like a violin.
Even after the sweet music is over,
there are strings attached.

To heck with marrying a girl
who makes biscuits like her mother.
I want to marry one who makes dough
like her father.

A man in love is incomplete
until he has married.
Then hes finished.

It doesnt matter how often
a married man changes jobs;
he still ends up with the same boss.

The three stages of sex in marriage:
tri-weekly, try-weekly, try-weakly.

My wife and I were happy
for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A marriage certificate is just another word
for a work permit.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They cant stand criticism.

How do you keep your husband
from reading your e-mail?
Name the mail folder Directions to Moms.

Marriage is an institution where two people
come together to solve the problems
they never had before they got married.

Marriage is love. Love is blind.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I do is the longest sentence
in the English language.

What should you give a man
who has everything?
A wife to show him how to work it.

Marriage is an institution
in which the man loses his bachelors degree
and the woman gets her masters.

Marriage is an institution
but who wants to live in an institution?

Behind every successful man
stands a surprised mother-in-law.

I married Miss Right.
I just didnt know her first name was Always.

May you be blessed with a wife
so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow
when your horse drops dead.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind
of person your spouse would really have preferred.

You know what I did before I got married?
Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

Why do wives outlive their husbands?
Someone has to stick around and clean up
after them.

Whats the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Marriage requires three types of rings:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffer-ring

All marriages are happy.
Its the living together afterward
that causes the problems.

Marriage is like a bath.
Once you get used to it, its not so hot.

My wife says I never listen to her.
At least I think thats what she said.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.