Michael Lewis - A Guy Walks Into a Bar...: 501 Bar Jokes, Stories, Anecdotes, Quips, Quotes, Riddles, and Wisecracks

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR...

501 Bar Jokes, Stories, Anecdotes, Quips, Quotes, Riddles, and Wisecracks

MICHAEL LEWIS

To Frank Pop Hetlyn (19292002) One of the funniest guys I ever knew. Whenever I saw you, you shared a joke. I think you would have loved this book!

Copyright 2005 by Michael Lewis.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher.

ISBN 1-57912-452-6

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file at the offices of the publisher.

Book design: Cindy LaBreacht
Manufactured in the United States of America

Published by
Black Dog & Leventhal Publishers, Inc. 151 West 19th Street
New York, New York 10011

Distributed by
Workman Publishing Company
708 Broadway
New York, New York 10003

g f e d c b a

There are many people who helped me with this project, and Ill inevitably forget someone. Please dont get offended ... let me buy you a drink and tell you a joke!

Thanks and kudos to my family: Amy, Samantha, and Sydney. Now that Im done with this one, maybe we can spend a few minutes together! (At least until the next book.) Thanks to great friends and supporters Marilyn Allen, agent extraordinaire and a real sweetheart; Laura Ross, my esteemed editor; my venerable publisher, J.P. Leventhal; Betty Hamilton, my mother-in-law and biggest fan; Stephen Spignesi, my frequent collaborator and Italian brother; great friends Lee and Janet Pfeiffer, who are always good for a laugh (often at my expense); Dr. Charles Berg, the worlds funniest and most inspiring chiropractor guru; Ron Fry; George Hanssen; and the Hetlyn familyper capita, the funniest family I know.

Thanks to anyone who ever laughed at one of my jokes. Everybody should have people like Barbara Murphy, Kathy Bunny Kelly, Jeanne Etter, and Colin Somerville around, because they laugh at everything and never remember a jokeso you can tell them the same ones over and over. Does wonders for the ego!

Finally, I want to thank anyone who contributed a joke to this book, especially Frank Hetlyn, Chuck Berg, John Birkner, Craig Borne, Franklin Dohanyos, Stephany Evans, Bill Foody, Mary Fowler, Gerry Giovinco, Lisa Hagan, John Hetlyn, Jean Naumann, Chuck Negron, Steve Spignesi, Pete Talamo, Darlyn Tillery, Steve Urbanowicz, Steve Wheatley, and Joe Zappulla.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
e.e. cummings

Maybe its because Im always trying to get laughs myself, but for some reason people frequently feel compelled to tell me jokes. Most of them I remember, write down, and retell. And many of the jokes Ive heard through the years have been bar jokes. Its been a while since Ive frequented bars (married with children tends to have that effect, I guess). So, to put this book together, I had to do a lot of research.

While writing and compiling, I came to one conclusion: A lot of funny stuff happens in bars! Inanimate objects talk. Animals perform. Those who have had one too many say some pretty rude things. People from virtually every country gather. Drinkers share tales of genies theyve met and problems theyre having at home. They share worldly advice and recount sexual triumphs. It seems that every denizen of every bar is looking to find solace and companionship along with their liquid refreshment; they all want some relief from their hectic daily lives ... or, at the very least, they want to share a few laughs.

Within these pages, Ive endeavored to collect, compile, write, and organize the largest, funniest collection of bar jokes ever. A huge undertaking to be surea veritable Magnum full of yukscategorized by type for quick and easy reference. It is my hope that this book will provide a daily shot of humor and that it might even inspire you to share a joke or two that I might have missed. If you know a knee-slapper that Ive missed, please write to me in care of the publisher, or e-mail me at SamsPop1@aol.com.

Caution: Some of these jokes are risqu. If youre offended by adult humor, well ... maybe you need to take another drink!

A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar

My wifes idea of the four basic food groups is canned, frozen, freeze-dried and carry-out.

A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.
The bartender stops them: We dont serve food here!

A guy walks into a bar. He says, Ouch!

Two guys walk into a bar.
Youd think the second guy would have ducked.

Three guys walk into a bar.
They all need stitches.

Whats the worst thing about getting drunk in a bar?
You leave with Cindy Crawford
and wake up with Broderick Crawford.

Twenty-four hours in a day.
Twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?

Drunk #1: My wife drives me to drink.
Drunk #2: Youre lucky. I have to walk.

Why was booze invented?
So ugly people can get laid, too.

I only drink on days with a D in them.

Two peanuts walked into a bar.
One was a salted.

Our lager

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

I will be drunk,

At home as I am in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who topple against us.

And lead us not into incarceration

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer