Nick Mamatas - Insults Every Man Should Know

Text copyright 2011 by Quirk Productions, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2011922697

eISBN: 978-1-59474-533-1

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e-book production management by Melissa Jacobson

Quirk Books
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The publisher and author hereby disclaim any liability from any injury, physical or emotional, that may result from the use, proper or improper, of the information contained in this book. In other words: Use insults to relieve tension, not heighten it. Never insult a man holding a gun or a woman holding a knife. And no matter what stupid thing your boss does, dont call him a dumb schmuck and expect him to laugh.

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The Greeks have a word for it. That word, most often, is malaka. Malaka is perhaps the most common utterance in Greece, and is used as constantly and as enthusiastically as the Smurfs used the word smurf. It is most frequently translated as wankerBritish slang for jerkoff-slash-douchebagbut that fails to capture the true subtleties of the term. Really, a malaka is someone who has been so excessive in his masturbation that he has rendered himself brain-damaged. Its a perfect insult for men to use against other men, for it encapsulates all the anxieties that are part and parcel of masculinity: virility, sexuality, competence, and intelligence.

But malaka isnt just an insult for male targets. Machines, traffic jams, the thrust and parry of politicians, a dropped glass, a jammed rifle or printer, a recalcitrant donkey, the rate of inflationall are malaka. And the actions of malakas are known as malachies (ma-la-chee-ehs). In the worldview of the Greek insult, the sorry state of life on Earth as well as all your personal failures and problems are due to one thing: the simpletons who, with their chronic pud-pulling, have ruined themselves and destroyed all that is good and true in the cosmos. That is the true nature of this insult: the idea that everyone in the world is a wanker and that all their endeavors are semen-soaked failures. The only way out of it is to say malaka over and over again, to denounce anything you encounter as malachies; it is the universal insult that attacks the entire planet in one breath.

Very handy, that word. It is the Platonic ideal of insults.

Of course, there are times in a mans life when he doesnt need to damn the entire universe to an eternity of slack-jawed yankin. We all regularly confront a wide spectrum of idiocy; therefore, a man should have an arsenal of many different flavors of insults. This book will inspire you, leading you on a journey through a representative handful of the millions of curses a fellow might find appropriate in any given situation.

Weve tried to be selective. Anyone can attach one of George Carlins seven dirty words as a prefix to head and be well served for traffic jams, under-the-breath muttering, and faux-insulting greetings to friends. But there are moments when something a bit meatier is called for. Insults for the workplace differ from those best used in a locker room, and neither would make much sense in a chess tournament. (Nerd! Yes, I know. Do you know where you are, sir?) Insulting someones mother rarely works on orphans. In todays crazy world, we simply need a full bandolier of insults.

But do we? Do we really need insults at all? Arent insults just the precinct of the desperate or powerless, or simply of people too dim-witted to make cogent and logical arguments? Isnt the whole phenomenon of insults, and indeed this very volume, a sign of the general coarsening of culture? Such concerns are shared by many people, all of them asswipes. The insult is an ancient traditionmultiple competing ancient traditions, actuallythat we will also explore in these pages. From the poets of imperial Rome to the snarky mouth of Nobel Prizewinning statesman Winston Churchill, men have insulted one another (and the occasional lady) since the dawn of history. Perhaps even earlier. Were the Insulting Ape. Insults, I submit to you, were the evolutionary adaptation that gave us an outlet for our anger that was cleaner than flinging feces at one another. A few million years of verbal dexterity later and, boom, the very civilization you are a part of. Yes, every aspect of this civilization is controlled and maintained by mentally defective masturbators. But what are you going to do?

Motivate the world to improve by insulting the hell out of it, thats what.

Theres an inherent difficulty in insulting a stupid man: He might just be so stupid he wont even understand that hes being insulted. Nothings worse than insulting some water-headed baboon only to have him respond by patting you on the back and saying, Haw haw, good one. Perhaps youve done that yourself. No, Im just kidding. Youre really smart. You have brains youve never even used yet.

The trick to insulting someones intelligence is to save your insult for a smart person whos made a stupid mistake. That way, hell get what youre saying and possibly even grudgingly acknowledge its truth, being so chagrined at his lapse of brain function. The added advantage is, when someone really smart says something really dumbparticularly in a public forumyour insult doesnt even have to be vicious to be brutally funny. Try: Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. Ouch.

(For a true drool-cup case, just tell him he has a small penis or something; see , Insulting Someones Sexual Prowess. If you feel you absolutely must insult an actual Pinhead American for his low intelligence, best to do so after hes left the room. Few things are more dangerous than a furious moron.)