Serena Dorman - Mommy Cusses: Inspiring Profanity and Stimulating Sarcasm for Mamas Whove Seen It All

For my husband, son, and daughter.

No other soul could love you like my rotten bones do.

The Gaslight Anthem

Text copyright 2021 by Serena Dorman.
Illustrations copyright 2021 by Paige Vickers.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Dorman, Serena, author.
Title: Mommy cusses : inspiring profanity and stimulating sarcasm for moms who have seen it all / by Serena Dorman.
Description: San Francisco : Chronicle Books, [2021]
Identifiers: LCCN 2020017207 | ISBN 9781797204123 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781797206240 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Mothers--United States--Humor. | Motherhood-United States--Humor.
Classification: LCC PN6231.M68 D67 2021 | DDC 818/.602--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020017207

Design by Rachel Harrell.

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Youre wearing more bodily fluids than a porn star, the sink is full of dishes, and the floor is covered in toys, crumbs, clean laundry you have no energy to fold, and abandoned goals for the day. The kids are in bed but Mom Guilt keeps you wide awake. The couch dips as Mom Guilt sits next to you and breathes worry and frustration into your soul so thick and black that you cant see all the ways you glittered today.

Theres an itch at the bottom of your soul that you cant seem to scratch, and you ache to hear another parent say, Im struggling too. Not because you want someone else to feel like a failure, but because you want to feel a little less alone, a little less crazy. That youre not imagining how incredibly hard being a parent can be.

This is motherhood. Its a dream, its a mess, its beautiful, and its everything in between. Its dipping from one polar extreme to the other, sometimes within minutes. Its a love deeper than anything youve ever known, and a grief thats more agonizing too. Its holding your child long after theyve fallen asleep to beg them for forgiveness. Its late nights giggling together and making memories, and then its realizing that sometimes youre the monster hiding beneath your childs bed.

In case no one has told you lately and youre starting to forget, youre pretty fucking amazing. Read that again, and let yourself believe it for once. Were all just grasping at straws, trying to make a little sense of this shitastrophe.

So, when motherhood starts to punt you in the puss and you start thinking youre alone, know that even though you cant see us, you have an invisible army of perfectly imperfect moms in your corner. Youve got this.

Mommy Cusses is a wildly inappropriate book full of snark, sarcasm, and swears that offers a variety of uninspirational quotes, momtivities, and general malarkey to entertain you. Flip to a page, any page, and find a hilarious escape from that load of laundry or those dishes you dont want to do anyway. Theres no need to read from cover to cover because, lets face it, youre a parent and parents dont have time for such leisurely pleasures.

Things you can do with this book:

• Use it as a partition when someone tries to make small talk, give you unsolicited parenting advice, or sell you essential oils.
• Swat at fingers under the bathroom door with it while youre trying to enjoy an unrushed shit for once.
• Set it on your babys head to read while nursing.
• Use it as a sneeze guard to keep your acquaintance from high schools spittle from landing on your lip again as she salivates at the thought of adding you to her multilevel marketing team.
• Eat snacks behind it.
• Close it dramatically in the midst of an argument.
• Cover your nipples with it the next time someone shows up at your door unannounced and you didnt have time to put on a bra.
• Peek at people awkwardly over the top of it after denying that the kid throwing a tantrum is yours despite the fact that they keep yelling, Stop, Mommy! every time you ask where their mother is.