Dean Dorman - Second Chance at a Great Relationship: Let Go of the Resentment, Return to Love

Its not your communication skills that need improvement: its your ability to finish your arguments that needs to improve

Learn why most people fall out of love (and more importantly how they can fall back in love by applying some simple techniques)

Understand the role that frequent unresolved arguments play in breaking down the sense of connectedness in a relationship.

Identify the role that each individual plays in the resentment dynamic and how to break these cycles.

You Need This Book If:

You and your spouse have frequent arguments, most of which are left unresolved.

You feel emotionally alienated from your mate.

Arguments are more hurtful than productive and include swearing, name-calling, harsh words, and accusations.

Your marriage brings you no joy and you cringe at the thought of spending time with your mate.

You have difficulty talking to your mate without the conversation ending up in a fight.

The grass isnt greener on the other side of the fence. Grass is greener where you water it.

Michael Ceo

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

Robert Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

How We Fall Out of Love:

When we find someone especially attractive, our brains produce neurotransmitters. These brain chemicals make us feel like we are high. We feel infatuation (but we think we are in love.)

We dont really fall in love with our love interest, but rather their representative or that part of them they want us to see. If left uninterrupted by reality, we start to have feelings for our lover. But the neurotransmitters of love blind us to the true nature of our love interest.

If the person that we have these feelings for is at least 80 percent of the person they passed themselves off as being, there is little, if any, resentment. If not, there tends to be a sense of disconnection and betrayal once the neurotransmitters wear off (about a year). This means that there can be a sense of what happened to the guy/girl I fell in love with.

We will do almost anything to continue the delivery of these brain chemicals. These chemicals are very powerful, so powerful that they trump even our natural tendencies. If we are private, we become talkative; if we are depressed, we become happy; if we are lazy, we have boundless energy. With time, we move from infatuation to real love, the neurotransmitters of love are replaced by other brain chemicals that make us feel comfortable or relaxed when we are with our partner. (We no longer feel the pitter-patter in our hearts.)

We marry, we have children, and we go on with life. Naturally there are issues that we have to resolve. Issues like parenting, sex, chores, spending

If we have the ability to argue constructively and stay in the ring, we resolve our issues without too much resentment being generated. If we cant resolve our issues, however, if our partners call us names, interrupt us, bring up stuff from the past, or threaten to leave us, what happens to the issue? What happens is we dont resolve the issue, because our arguments get derailed.

When issues are left unresolved they dont go away. We open up the basement door and kick them down in the basement. They build up and become resentment. When the resentment builds up to a critical mass, we start to disconnect emotionally.

When we disconnect emotionally we no longer feel like our partner is filling our cup emotionally. When this happens we look for things in our lives that do fill our cup. We start to focus on things like our careers, our children, shopping, friends, and hobbies, but these things push us farther away from our partner, not closer.

When we feel that the trust and respect for our partners begins to wane, we start to ask ourselves, How much of my heart should I be holding back? How much am I willing to be hurt if this does not work out? This does not necessarily mean we are leaving, but it may mean we fantasize about it or start to make plans just in case.

We start to become guarded and not allow our partner into our inner world. The very things that drew us to our mate, the laughing, joking, playing, sex, and talking dry up, and we feel like roommates. We feel emotionally disconnected.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

A better relationship with our partner is a journey as much as it is a destination. Its a process, not an insight. This book should be read not as a novel, but as a series of insights. Take the ones you like or that pertain to you and discard the rest. You dont have to agree with everything I say, and, frankly, I wouldnt expect you to. The subject that I discuss here is broad and there is no way to explain each and every dynamic and situation that can occur in a marriage. However, this book contains 20 years of my experience as a psychologist and marriage counselor, and I know that those insights have helped thousands of couples to have a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship.

Some long-term relationships are successful on their first attempt. Usually this couple is such a good match that there are very few things for them to argue about or they have the tools in their toolbox to resolve what differences they do have. This is certainly the exception, not the rule however. The reality is that many relationships need a second chance to attain the type of relationship they really seek. A relationship that leaves them emotionally satisfied, trusting of their partner, and with the security to allow their partner into their inner world. As I have said, sometimes individuals have the skills to maintain a good relationship, but sometimes they have to learn those skills.

This book is about learning the skills to develop and maintain a great relationship; the skills to understand the issues that generate resentments and the ability to tolerate the discomfort of discussing uncomfortable topics with your partner. In essence it is a book designed to give you the skills to have a second chance at a great relationship.

Something has happened to marriage in the United States. With divorce rates ranging from 50 to 60 percent, it is no wonder that people cringe when they hear someone they love is getting married. With the changing role of the family and women no longer willing to live in classic 50s marriages, the role of marriage started to change. This, coupled with the throwaway culture that was established in the early seventies, started a trend. Couples started to divorce and start over with a different mate; rather than fix their broken relationship. Often what I find is that the couple is not a particularly bad match. In fact, most report that they were happy for years until some incident triggered a resentment dynamic which ultimately lead to an increase in resentment and, eventually, to a sense of being disconnected emotionally. Perhaps the reason I still believe in marriage is that I am actually very successful at improving marriages which are dying. In fact, my strategy is successful in saving the marriages of 90 percent of the couples that come to me for help. And I can save yours.

My experience is that almost everyone I treat has a desire to be in a relationship that leaves him or her feeling emotionally connected, happy, sexually satisfied, and contented. People want to be known so well by another that they can almost anticipate their wants; essentially to be in a relationship with someone that gets them. Developing this type of relationship and being able to maintain this type of relationship are two different things. What I have discovered over the course of doing marriage counseling for over twenty years is that decreasing resentments and learning how to resolve disagreements once and for all is the key to maintaining and improving your relationship. Using my simple approaches, you can learn how to identify what is causing you to feel resentment toward your partner and (more importantly) how to stay in the ring to resolve your differences. This will leave you feeling more emotionally connected and, ultimately, back in love.