Stephen Tobolowsky - The Dangerous Animals Club

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For my boys Robert and William.
As dear and dangerous as they come.

D ONT ASK ME , How are the kids? I never have any idea. I know they eat and get dressed and go to school, but as to what is going on in their lives and in their heads, forget it. It is the secret world: the world that every child has and that no parent gets to see.

Ann and I are active parents. We try to meet all of our kids friends and their parents and ask questions and look under the bed, and check in the closets, tap their phonesbut we still dont know the various deals with Satan they may make when they leave the house. Were not unique. Every parent is in the dark.

When I was five, I had an invisible monster that lived alternately in my closet and under my bed in a kind of winter-home/summer-home arrangement. His name was Eye the Monster. Eye would come out of hiding when I was alone and we would talk.

I had an up-and-down relationship with Eye. I often appreciated his middle-of-the-night visits. We would talk about school and about girls I had crushes on. You would think that Eye the Monster didnt care about the opposite sex. But he did. He always argued for patience and honesty. He urged me to be more aggressive with the ladies on square dance day. It was hard advice to take. I was never a player. I thought five years of age was too young to be married. But not Eye. He thought I could be a trailblazer and be married and have children before I was in fourth grade. And this was years before MTV.

Besides being a confidant and an advisor, Eye had another side. He could be angry. There was a period when his opening my closet door and coming into my room at midnight terrified me. I snuck a steak knife from the kitchen and kept it under my pillow as a last line of defense. I hid the knife in the morning so Mom would never see it when she made my bed. Love, terror, and steak knives were all part of my secret world.

Eventually, my parents became aware of Eye the Monster. On a car trip to San Antonio, Eye came out from under the backseat. He told my dad, who was driving, that we had to go back home. Davy Crockett was at the Alamo, and we could get killed by Mexicans. Dad didnt listen. I started crying. Eye the Monster started screaming at Dad.

Dad was not pleased. He had to work hard to get a few days off to go on a family vacation. Being a pediatrician, he realized that what he wanted was a vacation from screaming, crying kids. By the time we got to Waxahachie, Dad turned the car around and we came home.

The big secret my parents never knew was that I was also a member of a club across the alley at Billy Harts house. I would kiss Mom on the cheek and go out to play. In reality I ran down to Billys for a meeting of the Dangerous Animals Club.

Billy already had a clubhouse in his backyard so it was only natural that he should be the president. He was also older than I was. He was almost seven, and I was content to put myself in his capable hands.

The purpose of the Dangerous Animals Club was straightforward. Both Billy and I were big fans of dangerous creatures. We made a list of all the dangerous creatures we wanted to catch. Being in Texas, there were a lot of them. The list included: rattlesnakes, copperheads, water moccasins, black widows, scorpions, tarantulas, centipedes, leeches, and the deadly coral snake, which we were hoping lived in the woods nearby.

We went out into the fields and hills and creeks carrying jelly jars and burlap sacks. We used broken broomsticks and umbrellas as tools of capture or weapons, if necessary. We would lift rocks and roll over rotten trees, hoping to find something horrible, catching it alive and bringing it back to the clubhouse, effectively making Billys backyard the most dangerous place in Texas.

Charlie Harp, another neighborhood boy, a little younger than I, became aware of the Dangerous Animals Club. He heard our mission statement; he saw the clubhouse. He wanted in. Billy and I refused at first. What good is a secret club if everybody is a member? Charlie ran home and came back with a brown paper bag. Inside was a genuine rattlesnake skull. He said we could display it in the clubhouse if he could be a member. He was in. And we were now three.

So I kissed Mom good-bye and told her I was going out to play. I ran over to Billys where we met and swore that if we told anyone about the club, we would be put to death. We had a disagreement as to whether it should be a blood pact. Charlie Harp argued it had to be a blood pact if punishment for telling was death. There was a logic to that, but I was opposed to any kind of bleeding that happened on purpose. Billy, being a natural leader, said the blood oath wasnt necessary. The activities of the Club were already dangerous enough.

We agreed and went out for our first task: to find a scorpion or a centipede. Billy was sure that if we went down to the creek we would find a scorpion. He heard that they liked rotting wood. There were several dead trees lying on the ground.

As I think about it, Billy was a damn good president. His instincts were right on. We went down to the creek and found a fallen tree. We moved a decaying branch with our bare handsand wha-la, there was a scorpion!

We slapped a jelly jar over it. The scorpion started slashing at the glass and our hands with its tail, as scorpions are wont to do. We righted the jar and filled it with rubbing alcohol. The scorpion started swimming furiously. We screwed on the top and we headed back to the clubhouse. One day, about thirty minutes of time invested, and something nasty in our possession. Priceless.

I ran home for dinner. Mom asked me if I had fun playing with Billy. I said emphatically, Yes!

The next day we headed down to the creek where Billy hoped we could catch some leeches, and if we were lucky, a water moccasin, one of Texass four poisonous snake species. Billy told me that water moccasins werent as deadly as coral snakeswhich was disappointingbut they were more aggressive. That encouraged me. I didnt want to be wasting my time with something that wasnt potentially lethal.

We started wading through the creek water. Leeches swam up and tried to attach themselves to our legs. How great was that! We just scooped them up in a jar and we had leeches. Another creature to check off our list. Too easy.

Now we were on to the snakes. Water moccasins apparently love stagnant waterso we were in the right place. The water had a thick green foam on top of it and you could see the mosquito larvae swimming under the murky surface. Billy suggested we start turning over rocks by the bank of the creek.

I flipped over a big piece of limestone and there was a baby water moccasin. It opened its little mouth and showed its baby fangs. Billy reminded me that the babies are just as poisonous as the grown-ups. I nodded and reached down to get it. Billy yelled to me to remember to grab it behind the head. Not to worry. I knew that. Everyone in Texas knows you grab a poisonous snake behind the head.

But the water moccasin didnt want to be caught and it took off through a field of tall grass. I ran after it shouting to Billy that it was headed toward him. I could see the snake making a rippling trail in front of me. It seemed to stop for a second. There was movement near my feet. I reached down quickly and pulled upthe mother water moccasin! She was four feet long and angry. In all of my haste, I hadnt grabbed her behind the head but around the fat middle of her body. She hissed and readied an attack, showing her trademark white mouth and huge fangs.