Josephine Cox - Songbird

Copyright 2008 by Josephine Cox

This book is for my Ken, as always

Sometimes, she could make herself believe that the bad things had never happened. And then there were the other times, when she could feel his breath against her face and his hands around her neck, squeezing, choking the life out of her. She could see the loathing in his eyes as the darkness enveloped her.

It was Alice her dearest friend who had saved her from the dark. Because of that fine, brave woman, her own life had been spared, albeit at a terrible cost.

Through the years that followed, the horror of that night had never left her. She remained ever-vigilant. The darkness kept her prisoner, and the daylight was her enemy. And on the rare occasions when she must go out during the daytime, with every step she was looking over her shoulder, anxious to get back and lock herself inside the house alone with her fears.

It was a lonely, forsaken existence. Her treasured collection of records and tapes, and the music she heard on the TV and radio, were her only consolation.

For Madeleine Delaney, once known as The Songbird, music was her life.

The beauty of nature also gave her immense pleasure. Come the dawn she would hear the birds welcome a new day, and when the sun lit the skies, she would sit at her open window and feel the gentle breeze on her face until a passing stranger glanced up from the road outside and frightened her away.

In her isolation, Maddy had come to love the seasons like never before. Winter had its own special beauty, with snow-covered trees and laden boughs that hung their heads as though in shame. Her heart sang with the first appearance of the tiny robin redbreast that hopped about her front yard and peeped up at her with bright beady eyes. Below her window, the children threw snowballs in the street, laughing and screeching, wrapped in coats and scarves, oblivious to the driving chill of a winters day.

Lighter of heart, she would sit and watch and imagine she was down there with them, a child again, with not a care in the world.

Inevitably, the same old question would burn its way into her brain: How did you end up alone and unwanted like this, trapped in a self-imposed prison in a rundown house here in the town of Bedford, so very far from your roots?

The answer was simple: she had fallen in love with the wrong man, and from the moment she met him, her hitherto contented life began to unravel.

Sometimes, she wondered if she would ever find the courage to venture out, live life to the full again, and face the consequences, whatever they might be. Oh, how wonderful, to love and to laugh and not be afraid any more.

Many times she had promised herself she could do it, but seventeen years had come and gone, and now she felt more lonely than she could ever have imagined.

Yet in a strange kind of way, she felt safe in her solitude, because if she kept herself to herself, she could never be hurt again. Not like before.

Whos that? Curious at the sound of laughter from the street outside, she went across the room and peered out, hiding herself behind the curtain. A group of young people came jostling down the pavement, laughing and joking, full of life. She counted six of them; three boys and three girls. They were the students who lived next door. She had seen some of them come and go before.

Her attention was drawn to one particular young woman dressed in skin-tight jeans and a Levis denim jacket. Elfin-like, with a cap of fair hair, she had an appealing smile, and when she laughed, it seemed to come from the heart.

Shifting the curtain to get a clearer look at this happy young thing, Maddy was shocked when suddenly, one of the boys said something and they all looked up. The fair-haired girl smiled right at her.

In the blink of an eye, something passed between the two of them; and Maddy felt a strong sense of kinship with her.

Maddy immediately dropped the curtain and backed away as the friends ran up the steps to the shabby student house next door.

The fair-haired girl was the last to go in. Lingering on the step she turned her head to glance back up at Maddy again, but seeing how the timid woman had disappeared, she went skipping up the step to join her pals, unaware of the trauma she had caused.

That was me once upon a time, Maddy mused. Young and pretty, full of confidence with loyal friends and a song in my heart. She paused to remember. Oh, but we had such good times then, sharing our hopes for the future, our impossible dreams. She gave a half-smile, which lit up her sad face. Not a day went by when we didnt laugh out loud.

But those days and those people were long gone now. Her heart thickened with nostalgia as she thought, I dont suppose I will ever see any of them again.

When she had started performing at the Soho cabaret club, all those years ago, she had fallen deeply in love with its owner, and her friends had drifted away, but not Alice. Alice was special always there, always watching over her, like the mother Maddy had lost in her teens. How terrible, then, that on that fateful night, darling Alice had paid the ultimate price for befriending her.

May God forgive me, Maddy murmured aloud, the tears threatening to fall. Why couldnt I see his badness? How could I have been so blind!

But it was poor Alice who haunted her waking hours and tortured her sleep. Alice Dear Alice. Her heart hardened. So many times you tried to warn me, Maddy told the empty room, and I never listened. A deep shivering sigh marbled her words. I know you forgave me, but as long as I live, I can never forgive myself.

Closing her eyes, she thought of the lovers she had known before she met Steve good and honest young men who had cherished her and wanted the best for her. And then she had become infatuated with that cruel, merciless man, who had used her and abused her for his own ends.

If it hadnt been for him, she might have found fame and fortune, traveled the world and made a decent life for herself. And through it all, Alice would have been right beside her.

That man had taken her confidence and her hopes, and left her in a dark place where there was no laughter, no love. She had fought him and lost. Now, there was no fight left in her.

Like a wounded animal, she hid away, licking her wounds, afraid of the future and what it might bring.

Weary to her soul, Maddy went to the dresser and picked up the tiny mirror there, shocked by the image that looked back at her. Her long dark hair was carelessly scraped back with a rubber band. Her face was pale and dog-tired, and void of makeup: no lipstick to shape and warm the generous lips; no shadow to accentuate her once-sparkling dark eyes. I look like an old woman, she sighed. I never realized there was so much gray in my hair.

Desolate, she returned to sit in the chair. Through the bedroom wall, she could hear the low murmurings of conversation from next door. Maddy didnt mind the noise, or the occasional bursts of loud music. It was comforting to know that outside these walls, life still went on for others if not for her.

She wondered about that pretty young girl and her friendly smile. Did she have a devoted family a lover? A plan of sorts for the future? Maddy hoped so.

Most of all, she hoped that the young woman would be wise enough to avoid making the same mistakes that she herself had made

Unaware that their next-door neighbor had been so affected by their arrival, the students settled down to enjoy their supper, bought from the chippie on the corner. Dave Wright, who was studying Physics, called their attention to the new member of staff at the college. Hey, that new Maths lecturer is a bit of all right! Do you agree, lads? With an appreciative eye for the women, Dave was a real Jack the Lad. Wouldnt mind a bit of private tuition from