Tom Perrotta - Nine Inches: Stories

Copyright 2013 Tom Perrotta

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First published in the United States of America by St. Martins Press.

This edition published in 2013 by
House of Anansi Press Inc.
110 Spadina Avenue, Suite 801
Toronto, ON, M5V 2K4
Tel. 416-363-4343
Fax 416-363-1017
www.houseofanansi.com

These short stories are works of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in these stories are either products of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously.

Some of the stories in this book appeared in the following publications:

The Smile on Happy Changs Face and Nine Inches in Post Road ; The Chosen Girl in Gettysburg Review ; Kiddie Pool in Best Life ; Grade My Teacher in Five Points .

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Perrotta, Tom, 1961, author
Nine inches / Tom Perrotta.

Short stories.

Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 978-1-77089-427-3 (pbk.). ISBN 978-1-77089-428-0 (html)

I. Title.

PS3566.E6956N55 2013 813.54 C2013-903639-3
C2013-903640-7

Cover design: James Iacobelli

We acknowledge for their financial support of our publishing program the Canada Council for the Arts, the Ontario Arts Council, and the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund.

BACKRUB

THE FIRST TIME LT. FINNEGAN PULLED ME OVER, I actually thought he was a pretty decent guy. I mean, theres no question I was going over the limit, maybe thirty- fi ve in a residential zone, so I cant say I was surprised to see the lights fl ashing in my rearview mirror. I was mostly just frustrated disappointed in myself and worried about what Eddie would say when he found out Id gotten a speeding ticket in the company Prius a ft er just a few weeks on the job.

Th e cop who tapped on my window was older than I expected, a big, white-haired guy with a white mustache, probably not too far from retirement. He looked a little bored, like hed asked a few too many people for their license and registration over the years.

Whats the hurry, son?

Just running a little late. I glanced at the insulated pouches stacked on the passenger seat, in case hed missed the magnetic decal on my door: SUSTAINABLE PIZZA ... FOR THE PLANET WE LOVE . I got stuck at the railroad crossing. I was trying to make up for lost time.

Th at was the wrong answer.

You need to be more careful, son. Th eres a lotta kids in this neighborhood.

I know. I could feel my face getting warm. Its just... Im supposed to make the deliveries in thirty minutes or less.

Try telling that to a dead kids parents, he suggested. Let me know how it goes over.

He was just messing with me, but for some reason I found it all too easy to picture the scene in my head the childs fresh grave, the weeping mother and the broken father, the pathetic delivery driver explaining that the tips are better when the pizzas still hot. It seemed like a plausible version of my future.

Im really sorry, O ffi cer. It wont happen again.

Not o ffi cer, he corrected me. Lieutenant.

Sorry, Lieutenant.

He squinted at me for a few seconds, as if coming to a decision, then brought his hand down hard on the roof of the Prius. Th e thump made me fl inch.

All right, he said. Get the hell outta here.

Really? I was embarrassed by the relief and gratitude in my voice, as if Id just dodged a murder charge rather than a speeding ticket. I can go?

Its your lucky day, he told me.

I WAS eighteen that fall and all my friends were in college Evan at Harvard, Lauren at Stanford (we were still scratching our heads about that one), Josh at Bowdoin, Lily at Northwestern, Carlos at Cornell. My best friend, Jake, was having the time of his life at Wesleyan he kept inviting me down to hang with his new roommates, but my heart wasnt in it and my ex-girlfriend, Heather, was chilling at Pomona, raving about sunny California in her status updates. Th at was my high school posse in a nutshell. We were the AP kids, the National Merit Scholars, the summer interns, the future leaders, the good examples. We enrolled in SAT prep classes even when we didnt need to, shared study tips and mnemonic devices, taunted one another with Shakespearean epithets, and made witty comments about the periodic table. We stayed up late going over our notes one last time, threw parties where we studied together for history fi nals. On Saturday nights, instead of getting drunk and hooking up, we popped popcorn and watched Pixar movies. It wasnt that we were anti-fun; wed just made a group decision to save ourselves for college.

Th e only problem was, I didnt get into college.

Id applied to twelve institutions of higher learning and got rejected outright by ten of them, including my safeties. I got wait-listed by two of my likelies, but neither one came through in the end. I got shut out, just like the kid in Accepted, except it was nothing like that because he was a slacker and didnt deserve to get in.

I totally deserved it. I mean, I got a combined 2230 on the SATs (superscored, but still), and had a GPA of 3.8, all Honors and APs, top ten percent of my graduating class in one of the premier public high schools in the state. Student Council rep, stagehand for the musicals, helped start a recycling program in the cafeteria. I ran cross-country all four years, even though I hated every tedious mile. But I did it, just so I could list a varsity sport on my transcript. Every goddam miserable thing I ever did, every shortcut I avoided, every scrap of fun I missed out on, I did it just so I could get into a decent college.

And none of it mattered.

My guidance counselor insisted that it was just a freak occurrence, a perfect storm of bad luck and rotten demographics. A record year for applications, too many international students, preferences for minorities and athletes, a need for geographic diversity, blah blah blah. But come on, not to get in anywhere ? Even when kids from my own high school with lower grades and test scores got into colleges where I was rejected? Wheres the fairness in that?

Th ere was no logical way to explain it, but that didnt stop people from trying. Maybe I was too well-rounded for my own good, or my recs were underwhelming; maybe my essay was pompous, or maybe it was pedestrian. Maybe I hadnt done enough to set myself apart from the crowd, should have written about my lifelong passion for shoemaking, or my desire to someday design prosthetic limbs for transsexuals whod stepped on landmines. Or maybe Id just aimed a little too high, which was possibly true for Dartmouth and Brown, but those were my reaches, so thats the whole point. But what about Connecticut College or George Washington? Was that really too much to ask?