Chris Colin - What to Talk About: On a Plane, at a Cocktail Party, in a Tiny Elevator with Your Bosss Boss

For to embetterment of talking.

Text copyright 2014 by Chris Colin and Rob Baedeker
Illustrations by Tony Millionaire
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Colin, Chris, 1975
What to talk about : on a plane, at a cocktail party, in a tiny elevator with your bosss boss / Chris Colin and Rob Baedeker ; illustrations by Tony Millionaire.
pages cm
Summary: This hilarious yet practical manual written by two comedians tackles the fundamentals of good conversation, offering solid advice and sound social wisdom alongside faux-serious diagrams and inventories of real and humorously implausible scenariosProvided by publisher.
ISBN : 978-1-4521-1450-7 (hb)
ISBN : 978-1-4521-3031-6 (epub, mobi)
1. Conversation. 2. ConversationHumor. I. Baedecker, Rob. II. Title.

BJ2121.C59 2014
818'.602dc23

2013032643

Designed by Neil Egan
Additional typesetting and design by Liam Flanagan

Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, California 94107

I MAGINE almost any situation where two or more people are gathereda wedding reception, a job interview, two off-duty cops hanging out in a Jacuzzi.

What do these situations have in common? Almost all of them involve people trying to talk with each other .

But in these very moments where conversation would enhance an encounterwhere the right words would take an interaction to the next levelwe so often fall short. We cant think of anything to say, or we can and its rinky-dink, bush-league.

Even worse, we do a passable job at talking. We stagger through our romantic, professional, and social worlds with the goal merely of not crashing, never considering that we might soar. We go home sweaty and puffy and eat a whole birthday cake in the shower.

Deep down, we know theres more to human existence than just polite, prefabricated exchanges. We know that, with the right words, we can uncork new mysteries, discover new truths. Land better jobs. Get into some deep, soulful intercourse with a professor.

Thats what What to Talk About is about to talk to you about. How about connecting with others in more interesting, unexpected ways? How about having a conversational match to spark conversation in any situation? Or a verbal fire extinguisher to hose down an interaction thats blown up in your face? How about putting people at ease? How about seeing others in new dimensions? How about adding some word-yarn to this giant salad-quilt we call the human experience?

There are simply no words to describe how important talking has been since the beginning of time. If there were a way to put all the conversations in history next to each other to form a string, that string could wrap around the Space Shuttle more than a billion times. It would have to, easily. Given this, you might think there was nothing left to say, but there is. And invariably, someone is waiting for you to say it.

Conversation is not only important for us humans. Scientists say that dolphins have been talking and giggling underwater this whole time, and we now know that elephants have twenty different words for kfkjfs.

Yet consider the very researchers who study these animalsotherwise smart, successful men and women. Put them in a simple cocktail mixer and even the most basic conversations will jam them up, turn them to jelly.

And if the most learned and literate among us have such trouble, what chance do everyday, able-mouthed normals have?

Why is talking with other people so difficult?

It just is.

Quiz time. Do any of these situations sound familiar?

• * I could spend an entire international flight worrying about an opening line for a conversation with the person sitting next to me.
• * When someone attractive is flirting with me, my lips dry up and stick to my belt.
• * Im afraid if I correctly pronounce a fancy word like bourgeois, people will think Im pretentious, and if I pronounce it incorrectly, people will think Im jejune.
• * I wish I could talk to my car mechanic, but shes too intimidating.
• * Im talkative and outgoing. Ive heard people refer to me as Mr. Trivia. Yet I rarely get invited to parties. WTF?
• * At a social gathering where I dont know anyone, I trip out on my hands.
• * When I gave the eulogy at my great-aunts funeral, I took off my shirt.

Heres the good news: Even if you answered yes to all of the above, theres nothing wrong with you. Even you, topless eulogy guy. Were all just capable people hitting normal potholes on the path to connecting with other people.

Maybe youre starting a new job, or maybe youre hoping to get that old job back. Maybe youre a new grad, keen to put your stamp on the world. Maybe youre looking to broaden your romantic possibilities, deepen your friendships, or brighten the silence at your family dinner table.

The first step is a mind-shift. Conversation doesnt have to be boring or awkward, banal or exhausting. Our interactions can be opportunities. They are gifts in which everyone can learn something new, in which everyone can give and receive, and in which everyone can feel a delicious human connection, even a powerful, erotic frisson (rhymes with houseboat).

So lay back, open your body, and relax your mind. What to Talk About will give you the tools you need to succeed in any conversational situation. Over the course of this book youll build a conversation tool kit. With these tools, you become the spider, and your fellow conversationalists mere pawns in a chess game that somehow spiders are playing.

Perhaps some of these tools will be new to you. Perhaps others you already possess. But the question is, are you using them? If not, youre like a child drawing pictures of a train: You may be cute, but youre not a train conductor.

What to Talk About will give you the tools you need to drive the train or to shovel conversational coal into the ... coal thing. Youll learn openings to help you insert yourself into even the most impenetrable conversations and the beautiful people having them. Youll learn the everyday pleasantries that grease the wheels of human interactionand then how to go beyond them, whether youre at work or at home, at a party or on the road, on a date or at someones death bed. Youll learn the secret routes to bypass awkward moments. Youll learn how to hit on your barista and talk with your parents on Skype. Youll learn how to pronounce inchoate .

What to Talk About is not rocket science, but it is a lot like brain surgery, in the sense that is terrifying, riskyand a ton of fun. It will also change your personality permanently. Lets go!

Case Study: Jerald

A forty-four-year-old paralegal named Jerald P. describes himself as fairly intelligent and good with people. On a Thursday night, he decided to go to a church-sponsored crab feed. Bravely, Jerald sat down at a picnic table with seven people he did not know. But after the introductory pleasantries were exchanged, an awkward silence fell over the group.