Too Fat to Fish - Artie Lange

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Too

Fat

to Fish

ArtieLange

with Anthony Bozza

SPIEGEL & GRAU

New York

2008

Copyright 2008 by Artie Lange

All Rights Reserved

Published in the United States by Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of The Doubleday Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

www.spiegelandgrau.com

spiegel & grau is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Book design by Mauna Eichner and Lee Fukui Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Lange, Artie, 1967-Too fat to fish / by Artie Lange, with Anthony Bozza. 1st ed.

p. cm.

1. Lange, Artie, 1967 2. ComediansUnited StatesBiography. 3.

ActorsUnited StatesBiography. I. Bozza, Anthony. II. Title.

PN2287.L2833A3 2008

792.702'8092dc22

[B]

2008039001

Page 300 constitutes an extension of this copyright page.

eISBN: 978-0-385-52967-9

v1.0

Contents

The words genius, icon, and legend are thrown around way too often these days in the world of entertainment and rarely are they appropriate. This book is dedicated to a man who is that rare example of someone who truly embodies all three of those words, Howard Stern.

Howard, this is Artie. Thank you for teaching me and a whole generation of comedians how to be funny.

Foreword

by Howard Stern

Artie is a complicated subject. Most people who listen to my show will ask me to explain why a guy who has everything going for him has so many issues. You know what Im talking about: the heroin problem that was so bad he would drive all the way to Delaware to score, the coke habit that got so out of control it compelled him to abandon the set of MADtv and drive to his dealer in a pig costume, and the Jack Daniels fixation that caused him to skip dancing with an actual girl at my birthday party and instead waltz around with his whiskey glass, sucking on a straw. All of itthe gambling, the eating, the hookersforces people to ask: How can a man with so much talent have so many problems?

Artie can get up in front of a crowd and blow people away doing stand-up. He can get on the air with me and crack me up (not an easy thing to do). Hell blast off and do back-to-back impressions of Biggie Smalls, Jeff the Drunk, and the aging porno queen Blue Iris, then turn around and recite entire scenes from The Godfather

ix

Foreword by Howard Stern

verbatim. He can recall all of Belushi and Dean Wormers dialogue from Animal House word for word. He can tell a story brilliantly and turn any little event into a major routine.

He has the talent, the fame, the great job, and the money. Did I mention the money? According to Artie, he can get upwards of $75,000 a night for a stand-up gigvery impressive. So from the outside looking in, he has it all. So you, like all other fans of Arthur Lange, ask, Why the weight? Why the drugs? Why the gambling? You already know the answer, but you want to hear me say it anyway. The answer is simple: Hes fucked up! Thats it. Hes fucked up. Hes just like us, only ten million times worse.

Some wonder why Artie doesnt get any help. Everyone has their own theory, but I think its one of those neurotic things where Artie thinks all funny people have to be depressed to get any kind of laughs. Thats just psychobabble, and Im not Sigmund and Roy, so I wont bore you with my analysis. I dont know anything about it. This book is a celebrationIll save my theories for his next book. Yes, I believe this book will be a hit, and hell have a sequel called I Have Gained So Much More Weight That Im Not Only Too Fat to Fish, but Fucking, Walking, Talking, and Breathing Seem to Be Out of the Question at This Point .

But heres the bottom line: Artie is my friend, Artie is the funniest, sweetest motherfucker around, and Artie has the biggest heart on the planet. As I write this, Artie is in Afghanistan entertaining the troops during our two-week summer vacation. He could be luxuriating poolside, but instead hes marching around the desert in a flak jacket that is way too tight on him, high on seventy-five Vicodin. Enough said.

Artie is also a genius. I was lucky as hell that, after Jackie left the show and I was trying to figure out the future of my radio program, Artie dropped into my lap via a guest appearance by Norm

x Artie Lange

Foreword by Howard Stern

McDonald. At first, Artie was just this brilliant guest, but later he became the perfect fit. If ever there was a perfect match, its Artie and The Howard Stern Show, but if you bought this book you already know that.

So why am I here and why am I writing this foreword? What Id like to accomplish in these few pages is to give you some idea of how Artie works. Ill try to spell out what it takes to become a superstar comedian and radio performer. Usually, we would keep all of the secrets hidden away, like in The Wizard of Oz , but because I like you, Ill pull the curtain back a bit.

Oops, I might have pulled the curtain back prematurely. Skip this and pretend it never happened.

T O O F A T T O F I S H

xi

Foreword by Howard Stern

And skip this one too. See, Artie accidentally took too much medicine and needed some assistance off the stage. No need to bring that up.

Now, this ones better. This picture kind of says it best. Look at the concentration. The body language. The intensity. Intensity is essential for a successful career. While coworker Benjy might look exhausted from the intense work that is radio, Artie, like a panther, is ready to pounce, thinking up the next big gag or schtick. Do you have a fifth of the concentration Artie has? Of course not.

xii Artie Lange

Foreword by Howard Stern

Okay, heres an important point for all you kids out there who want to be just like Artie: The man knows that great humor needs tremendous discipline. Food is not food to Artie; its fuel. He needs to stay hydrated at all times. Notice the three drinks. Some may see this and think Artie has issues with food, but they would be wrong.