Henry Beard - X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema: All the Latin You Need to Know for Surviving the 21st Century

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Published by Gotham Books, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. First electronic edition, December 2004
Copyright Henry Beard, 2004
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Although I did the original Latin composition for the first draft of this book, my translations have been extensively corrected, meticulously polished, and felicitously rephrased by J. Mark Sugars, Ph.D., without whose assistance I would have been in merda profundissima (very deep doo-doo). Thus, to the extent that the classical constructions herein are historically appropriate, grammatically accurate, and culturally apt, it is he who deserves the imposing, but tasteful, triumphal arch on the sunny side of the Forum, just below the Palatine Hill. (The Hamptons will do nicely.) That said, I have to confess that even the most dedicated Latin purist inevitably succumbs to the temptation to make a cheap joke at the expense of the noble tongue of Romes golden age, and I am no exception. (The Hamptons will do nicely.) That said, I have to confess that even the most dedicated Latin purist inevitably succumbs to the temptation to make a cheap joke at the expense of the noble tongue of Romes golden age, and I am no exception.

Therefore, in the interests of scholarly integrity, I am compelled to concede that there is no Latin verb geronimo, geronimare meaning to express an intention to act boldly or rashly, say, just prior to jumping off a bridge, and if a Roman diner wished to remark, I will recommend this restaurant, zago, zagas, zagat is not the way he would have phrased it. The rest of the Augustan yadda-yadda ( iaddo, iaddere, iaddedi, iadditum ) is as kosher as we could make it. Oh, all right. Yadda-yadda is actually blatero, blaterare . Sheesh.
Its often said that Latin is a dead language Lingua Latina saepe dicitur mortua esse LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah SIGH-pay DEE-kih-tuhr MOHR-too-ah EHS-seh Baloney! Nugas! NOO-gahss! Its just been taking a long nap Modum iam pridem meridiatur MOH-duhm yahm PREE-dehm meh-ree-dih-AH-tuhr And its been talking a lot in its sleep Iam diu autem multa verba facit dormiens Yahm DIH-ooh OW-tehm MOOL-tah WEHR-bah FAH-kiht DOHR-mih-ehns In fact, you cant get it to shut up Re vera, non potes eam in silentium redigere Ray WAY-rah nohn POH-tess EH-ahm ihn sih-LAYN-tih-uhm reh-DIHG-eh-reh Look aroundLatin is all over the place, like a cheap toga CircumspiceLingua Latina se pandit ubique tanquam toga qwevilis KEER-kuhm-spih-kehLEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah say PAHN-diht ooh-BEE-kweh TAHN-kwaum TOH-gah WIH-liss Lawyers use it to screw you Iurisperiti ea utuntur ut te defraudent Yoo-riss-peh-REE-tee EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht tay deh-FROW-dehnt Doctors use it to scare you shitless Medici hac lingua utuntur ut alvum evacues ex metu MEH-dih-kee hock LEEN-gwah uh-TOON-tuhr uht AHL-wuhm ay-WAH-koo-ays eks MEH-tooh Politicians use it to hide their tracks while they rob you blind Magistratus ea utuntur ad operienda vestigia cum te despoliant Mah-gihs-TRAH-toohs EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd oh-pehr-ih-AYN-dah wehs-TEE-gih-ah kuhm tay deh-SPOH-lih-ahnt Priests use it to weasel their way out when they get caught playing hide-the-sausage with the altar boys Sacerdotes in stupro cum acolytis deprehensi ea utuntur ut se criminibus absolvant Sah-kehr-DOH-tays ihn STOOP-roh kuhm ah-koh-LEE-teese day-preh-HAYN-see EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht say krih-MIHN-ih-buhss ahb-SOHL-wahnt Even garden supply stores use it to get you to buy overpriced, short-lived houseplants Etiam venditores rerum hortensium ea utuntur ad persuadendum tibi ut emas maximo pretio plantas vitae brevis EH-tih-ahm wehn-dih-TOHR-ace RAY-ruhm hohr-TAYN-sih-uhm EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd pehr-swah-DAYN-duhm TIH-bee uht EH-mahs MAHK-sih-moh PREH-tih-oh PLAHN-tahs WEE-tye BREH-wihss The fact is, for too long these dirtbags have had a monopoly on this mighty tongue Diutius quidem haec propudia monopolio huius magnifici sermonis fruuntur Dih-OO-tih-uhs KWIH-dehm hike proh-POOH-dih-ah moh-noh-POH-lih-oh HOO-eeh-uhss mahg-NIH-fih-kee sehr-MOH-nihss frooh-OON-tuhr But now, thanks to this little book, you too can tap the awsome power of Latin to dismay the ignorant multitudes Nunc vero, huius libelli gratia, tu quoque potentia reverenda linguae Latinae uti potes ad indoctum vulgus consternandum Nuhnk WAY-roh, HOO-eeh-uhss lih-BEHL-lee GRAH-tih-ah, too KWOH-kweh poh-TAYN-tih-ah reh-weh-RAYN-dah LEEN-gwigh LAH-tih-nigh OO-tee POH-tehss ahd ihn-DOHK-tuhm WUHL-guhs kohn-stehr-NAHN-duhm And best of all, youll be able to insult and abuse one and all in perfect safety, using a language that everyone respects but practically no one understands Atque haec est optima ratio omnium: maledicere cunctis hominibus et contumeliam imponere satis impune poteris verbis augustis quae cum omnes magno aestimant, tum nemo ferme intellegit AHT-kweh hike ehst OHP-tih-mah RAH-tih-oh OHM-nih-uhm: mah-leh-DEEK-eh-reh KOONK-tees hoh-MIHN-ih-buhss eht kohn-tuh-MAY-lih-ahm ihm-POH-neh-reh SAH-tihss ihm-POO-neh poh-TEH-rihss WAYR-beese ow-GOOS-teese kwy kuhm OHM-nays MAHG-noh EYE-stih-mahnt tuhm NEH-mo FAYR-meh ihn-TEHL-leh-giht And as you pepper your speech with catapult-powered put-downs, remember the immortal words of Maximus as he signaled the attack in Pannonia Itaque cum spargis orationem tuam praepotentibus opprobriis, memento verborum immortalium quae Maximus fecit signum dans in Pannonia: Ih-TAH-kweh kuhm SPAHR-ghiss oh-rah-tih-OH-nehm TOO-ahm prigh-poh-TAYN-tih-buhss ohp-PROH-brih-eehs, meh-MEHN-toh wayr-BOH-ruhm ihm-mohr-TAH-lih-uhm kwigh MAHK-sih-muhss FAY-kiht SIHG-nuhm dahns ihn Pahn-NOH-nih-ah: Unleash hell! Solve lora infernis! SOHL-weh LOH-rah ihn-FEHR-nihss! And have a nice day! Et futue te ipsum! Eht FUH-too-eh tay IHP-suhm Latin Terms in Modern English LEGAL LATIN MEDICAL LATIN POLITICAL LATIN