Puma Swede - My Life As A Pornstar

Puma Swede

with Jan Ekholm

Copyright 2013 Puma Swede & Jan Ekholm

Epub art director: Morgan King

Front cover photograph: Bingo Rimr

Cover design: Henrik Persson

Contact:

www.janekholm.com

www.pumaswede.com

ISBN: 978-91-981399-0-7

A DAY ON THE JOB

Puma scores the lead role in the porn musical Rocki Whore Picture Show, enjoys a lesbian sex session and ends up in a wheelchair straddling legend Ron Jeremy.

What the fuck, Robert! I cant act and I sure as hell cant sing. Im great at fucking and thats it!

I laughed out loud and watched in amusement as Robert, my heroically patient agent, took a deep breath and rolled his eyes.

I was a hopeless case, that much I knew. Plus, my sense of humor straight outta Southern Stockholm always had difficulties how shall I say this getting through to Americans.

As one of Roberts stars in his stall, he had no choice but to put up with me.

I liked Robert. He was a fun and creative porn entrepreneur around the age thirty-five and always ready for business. But he dressed like a blind mans clothes hanger.

Youd never catch Robert in a suit. The dress code, no matter the occasion or season, was always some no-name brand jeans and a t-shirt, topped off with a knit sweater come winter.

In an earnest attempt to boost this guys style, one Christmas I decided to give him a Hugo Boss shirt. I saw it on him once before it disappeared into the back of his in stylishly pitch-black wardrobe.

For a little over two years, Robert had managed my career from a second hand desk cluttered with porn DVDs and AVN awards (the porn worlds answer to the Oscars) in a three-room office on Ventura Boulevard.

The name on the door was Big Love Talent.

Perfect.

I remember the first time Robert and I met. It was an ordinary weekday evening at the home of my dear friend and fellow porn star Nikki Benz. Robert, resourceful as he was, had brought along some pastries. But these werent just any shitty Dunkin Donuts. He proudly reached into the paper bag and pulled out a half dozen edibles, or baked goods laced with marijuana.

A few carrot cakes later we were deeply immersed in a philosophical conversation about the big questions in life. We had managed to discuss how it sucks getting cum in the hair and the inexplicable price curve for douches when Robert suddenly began scraping the white frosting off the pastries smearing it all over his face.

Nikki and I just stared at him.

Grinning from ear to ear, Robert exclaimed:

Ladies! I just got a facial from a five-man gangbang! Someone get me some baby wipes!

Nikki and I sat there staring, high as a kite, wondering where the hell these five gang bangers were hiding. In the end, the only thing left to do was to burst out laughing.

In spite of the jizz joke, or perhaps because of it, I signed with Robert a few weeks later. One thing that spoke strongly in his favor besides the carrot cake, of course was that he agreed to a 5% agent commission. That was my requirement, take it or go eat another carrot cake for all I cared.

Anyway. That afternoon at Big Love Talents, Robert had thrown out the crazy-ass suggestion I should audition for a role in Wickeds upcoming feature film Rocki Whore Picture Show, a porn parody of the musical Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I could hardly stop laughing. I mean, Robert might as well have suggested I try out for a role alongside Johnny Depp in the next Pirates of the Caribbean thats how insane it was. No one, not even my own mother, wanted to hear me belt out tuneless show numbers in broken English.

But you have to understand, Puma, Wicked asked for you by name, he insisted and leaned over the desk to emphasize how serious this was. And yes, it was serious indeed. Wicked is a giant in the porn industry, and they make big budget features.

Theres not one sane performer out there except for me who would ever think to argue over a role in a major Wicked film.

So no, Robert wasnt going to let it go. I couldnt blame him. The golden days of the LA porn industry were over, making the Greek economy seem like a financial role model. You had to grasp for every straw, and in his head Robert had already cashed in his commission on my fee, even if it was only five per cent.

I gave in.

Yeah, fine. Ill do it. Whens the casting? But tell the Wicked people I sure as hell dont plan on doing any singing.

Some days later I was called in for an audition at the Wicked office in the Valley. The citys porn elite is a small world, and I recognized most of the other people sitting around waiting in the Wicked office lobby and halls.

In the crowd I waved to Randy Spears, Tommy Gunn, Annie Cruz, Xander Corvus and Nikki Hunter.

Some of them were studying lines, others had brought a guitar and were practicing some tunes. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a porn star show up at an audition with a goddamn guitar?

If it werent for the unnatural amount of silicone in the room well, maybe not so unnatural for Porn Valley you might have mistaken the whole thing for an American Idol audition.

Everyone seemed super-prepared. Yes, everyone except me. I hadnt even opened the script they sent me. I had absolutely no idea what role I was supposed to be reading for.

Puma Swede! an assistant called, before ushering me into an office where director Brad Armstrong and his wife, porn star Jessica Drake, were seated together behind a desk with a couple of other people from Wicked.

I waved at Brad and Jessica and flashed them a smile. We didnt know one another all that well, but ever since wed met at a swinger party a few years before, we always exchanged pleasantries and laughs when we bumped into one another. They were a nice couple, really down to earth.

Like so many other porn directors, Brad Armstrong had launched his career as an actor before winding up behind the camera. Smart move. It didnt take many titles before he became something of a Stephen Spielberg of the porn world, rolling in AVN awards and fat budgets. If youve seen his sci-fi porn epic 2040, the biker movie Speed and the porn parodies Men in Black XXX, Risky Business and Harry Potter (featuring a grown-up Harry who discovers the perks of being equipped with a wizards dick), then you know his style. He makes amazing mainstream porn. A super hard genre these days, but Brad clearly knows what hes doing.

Thats when I launched my personal marketing campaign with a speech that should have been filmed and used as a cautionary tale in PR and advertising classes all over the world:

I dont know why Im here. I cant memorize lines and I can guarantee no one wants to hear me sing.

Brad burst out laughing.

Dont worry about it. We have the perfect role for you. No vocal solos and just five lines. All you need is blonde hair, a tan and a super-toned body.

I was instantly intrigued.

I got this. Especially the blonde and toned part.

Get naked, said Brad.

I did as he said and spun around.

Brad lit up.

Perfect! Youll play Rocki.

The others nodded their heads in agreement.

I did a double take. They wanted me to play Rocky? A dude?

No, nothing twisted like that, they explained. In Brads grandiose interpretation of the classic musical, Rocky had been transformed into Rocki, the perfect lab-created woman. Who, among other things, has sex with her transvestite creator. I thanked him for entrusting me to play the perfect woman, and left Wickeds offices with a lead role in my back pocket.