Peter Novobatzky - Depraved English

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Contents

For our parents

INTRODUCTION

Amidst the grand panoply that is the English language, the largest on this Earth, tongue of Shakespeare, Byron, and Melville, there are a puzzling number of words that mean to spray with shit.

In fact, the English language abounds in obscureand hilarioussexual, insulting, and disgusting words. Marvelous words, like bescumber, merkin, and pizzle, that most educated people have never heard of. To date, no one has written a lexicon exclusively devoted to such depraved English; the current volume intends to rectify this omission.

Researching this book required no small degree of dedication and sacrifice. Indeed, were the average reader to venture upon such a task, it is very likely that insanity would be the painful result. Only because the authors are compulsive word enthusiastswilling, among other things, to spend hundreds of hours reading dictionaries from cover to coverwas the undertaking possible at all.

We have dug deeply for these gems, culling them from modern dictionaries, both general and specialized, and rescuing them from the bowels of a variety of out-of-print tomes: lexicons, glossaries, and cyclopedias where they have languished, in some cases, for centuries. Some, until now, have been known to only a few professionals in narrow fields. Others have been neglected over the years, handled with lexicographical distaste by prudish editors and included only begrudgingly in dictionaries, often accompanied by oblique definitions or dismissive labels like low, colloquial, archaic, vulgar, obsolete, or dialect. They are all first-rate words, however, and we present them to the reader with pride.

These words are a part of your legacy as a speaker of English. They are buried treasures to be unearthed, dusted off, and displayed. But unlike in a museum, where the treasures are kept under glass, you are encouraged to handle these curios. Say them; use them. Feel the power in them as they roll off your tongue. They are your birthright.

Many of the words contained in this volume are readily applicable in everyday life. And they are so much more specific and exciting than the old, hackneyed, four-letter standbys so often relied upon. Use them to describe the world around you, or to articulate your own unique depraved notions. Practice saying them a few times and your daily vocabulary will be significantly enriched. Share this book with friends and loved ones and your discourse will elevate to previously inaccessible planes of clarity, exactitude, and vulgarity.

While it is true that a startling proportion of these words describe acts of sexual deviancy, medical abnormalities, things scatological, and outdated farm practices, there is no need for concern. The authors are not obsessed with such matters. It is simply because these areas happen to be such fertile sources of depravity that they are so heavily represented here.

When confronted with this glossary for the first time, typical reactions of early readers have ranged from bemused disbelief to complete denial. Rest assured, dear reader: all of our entries are actual, legitimate English words. There is to our knowledgeand according to the most assiduous and painstaking researchneither a single piece of slang nor a solitary neologism among them.

The words contained in this book were judged worthy of inclusion on many different grounds. Some were lascivious, some were mildly derogatory, and others were utterly revolting. A few were all of these things. There are words feague comes to mindfor objects, practices, and states of being many never knew existed, and words like frottage, which describe things one may have known existed but never knew there was a word for. Jumentous and urinous are useful for describing everyday occurrences, while copremesis is more esoteric. But they are all real words, and we have dreamed up the sample sentences so the reader can see them in action.

The time has come to inject new blood into the stale body of English-speaking vulgarity. So use these words! They are amusing, but they are also valuable for other reasons. After all, a vast and inexhaustible vocabulary is a hallmark not only of education, but of innate intelligence as well. Hereafter, when attacked, every reader will be able to seize the intellectual high ground by avoiding a common means of expression in favor of something more elegant and nobler of pedigree.

A NOTE ON THE ENTRIES

The pronunciation guides that follow each entry are designed for ease of use. However, they are only guides. The way words are pronounced changes with time and region, and even the most authoritative sources are not always in perfect agreement on this topic. Instead of listing multiple pronunciations for a single word, for the sake of simplicity we have selected the single most standard and prevalent one. And, to be frank, in one or two cases (the guttural frottage, for example, which we show as rhyming with cottage ) we have chosen a lesser-known pronunciation.

Similarly, when the sources disagree as to the definition or spelling of a given word, or where multiple definitions exist, we have exercised whatever common sense and lexicographical judgment has been granted us by the fates.

A

aboiement /ah bwah MAHN/ n Involuntary blurting of animal noises, such as barking.

The personal ad read simply, Handsome SWM, financially secure, seeks SWF for romance, possibly more. Aboiement a +, but Marjorie knew immediately that she had stumbled upon her perfect mate.

achilous /uh KAI lus/ adj Having no lips.

One of many words scattered throughout this book that are useful for describing common turnoffs.

Wanda was a wonderful lady, but no matter what her attributes, J. B. could never bring himself to kiss an achilous woman.

acokoinonia /uh ko koy NO nee uh/ n Sex without passion.

Acokoinonia

Otherwise known as the doldrums. Or, for some unlucky marrieds, as good as it gets.

compare artamesia

acrocephalic /AK ro sef AL ik/ adj Having a pointed skull.

With a bit of figurative license, this word may be extended to cover anything that might be called pinheaded, which gives it a very wide range indeed. For example, if you wish to tell someone that his idea is harebrained, tell him it is acrocephalic, plain and simple.

Rabbi Abramson was a devout and patient man, but the carnival sideshow wedding frustrated even him: after all, how do you put a yarmulke on an acrocephalic Jew?

adipocere /AD ip ose eer/ n A fatty, waxlike material that human and animal tissues sometimes convert into when corpses decompose underwater, and which may preserve physical features for long periods.

Adipocere may be one of the the most bizarre and ghoulish words in the language.

Freddie Barbarossa, the cemetery king, started out at the bottom, shovel in hand and adipocere on his shoes.

compare gobbets

agastopia /ag uh STOPE ee uh/ n The admiration of a part of someones body.