Henry Owings - The Rock Bible: Unholy Scripture for Fans and Bands

Copyright 2008 by Chunklet, LLC

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2008924742

eBook ISBN: 978-1-59474-816-5
Trade Paperback ISBN: 978-1-59474-269-9

Designed by Bryn Ashburn
Illustrations by Jonathan Williams

Assembled, organized, edited, and manifested by Henry H. Owings
Original concept by Henry H. Owings and Brian Teasley

Quirk Books
215 Church Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
quirkbooks.com

v3.1

APPENDIX

Although there is much knowledge and understandingeven masteryof rock and roll, there is much that is still unknown of its origin. Whence did The Rock Bible come? This generally accepted script, commonly referred to as the hallowed Chunklet Version, was culled from scribes and ciphers in its near apocryphal form. Although perfect in almost every aspect, it still has many holes. Just a glance at the lineage will reveal that it can be traced on a bloodline only as far back as the turn of the last century. However, it takes only a cursory glance at a used record bin at a local record store to see that rocks family tree is considerably older, wiser, and much more desperately in need of a bath than anybody could ever anticipate. When considering the rampant anachronism of rockwhether it be medieval, tribal, oriental, mystical, or a bizarrely Bohemian combination of all of theserock scholars must assume that rockas it is known todaycan be proven only as old as a century. Yet its existence may be as old as the dawn of humanity. In fact, it is that primary assumption that has brought us everything we currently know about the subject.

So how do we know what is known so far in The Rock Bible ? It was written on musty walls in rock club bathrooms, tucked away in album liner notes, scrawled on the sides of road cases, and strewn over the floors of countless tour buses. The Rock Bible s origins come from the youngest of the young to the most fossilized of fossilized bands. For years, rock scholars have worked diligently searching for rocks most puzzling questions. However, these scholars have never been known to be the sharpest bunch. In 1981, they believed that rock was invented in the 1960s and later perfected in the 1970s. It is from this very critical misunderstanding that the misnomer classic rock originated. In the 80s, there was a shift in the belief that perfection had been achieved, and scholars began to look toward the future for the answer. This led to a generation of music whose style and substance were as disposable as the musical equipment with which it was performed. It was soon discovered that all of their throw-away bleeps and bloops were just aching to be nothing more than the sum of their rock ancestors.

Finally, once the pot haze lifted, rock scholars backpedaled to say that rock was born when the southern United States pulled their heads out of the red clay and discovered rock under a pile of burnt cinders left behind from an old-fashioned book burning. And from this, rock was born. It was not until very recently that scholars made a monumental breakthrough when ancient texts were unearthed that proved rocks age to be more than twice that originally believed and that there was even more to be discovered about its genealogy. These ancient texts were deciphered from a scratched-up 78 dredged from an abandoned farmhouse in Abingdon, Virginia. The artist, heretofore credited as Deaf Smokey Green, sang a song titled That Rock, It Rolled, which was about a rock that he bought from a rich white guy. When Green thought he had been double-crossed, it turned out that this rock was the ancient key to playing the blues. He accidentally dropped it off a cliff, and chased after it, but it was forever lost. Finding this rock, and subsequently breaking its code, was critical in the interpretation of what you read here today. So you might be asking yourself where we found the rock. It was bought off an aging record collector in Maryland whose love of money is far greater than his actual love of the rock.

So as the broken beer bottles and cigarette butts are swept from rocks altar, let The Rock Bible live! As the throngs of rowdy concert-goers are herded out of the church, let it ring out! For those who heckled during communion, let it endure! And for those who asked for autographs, let it humbly exist. For those about to embark on their journey of reading this, The Rock Bible will last eternally.

HENRY H. OWINGS

This is excluding Florida which, other than its geographic location, has never been Southern.

The Bible. The epic window into which humans can see God. The celestial ascent into one supreme spiritual law. The inspired word of God set forth in the sole guide one needs for true divinity. THE ONE AND ONLY HOLY BOOK OF GOD OUR FREAKING LORD AND SAVIOR. I read such things as I scroll through literally hundreds of Bibles and books about the Bible at my local mega-mart bookstore. The Bible, it seems, far outnumbers any other book or movie franchise in sequels, spin-offs, and deleted scenes. If God intended to have only one sacred piece of work, then he sure didnt count on all the sub-par rip-off acts he would inspire.

Jesus Effin Christ! Excuse me, but there are more than 3,000 translations of the Bible in English alone. Not to mention all the thousands of guidebooks that litter shelves like rat droppings. There are even hip, magazine-sized blurb Bibles for the pre- and just post-pubescent that read and look like very prudish versions of adult fashion magazines. Not only that, there are porn mags for Christians done by porn actors/actresses who have waited until marriage to have sex with another porn actor/actress who has also waited until marriage to have sex with the aforementioned partner he or she just married. Okay, I just made that up, but maybe thats because I want to dream it to come true!

Anyway, as I peruse the aisles of planet corporate bookstore, I realize something: Who else seems to have a lot of Bibles besides these crazy Christians? Golfers. Golfers seem to love golf Bibles or Bibles with plaid-sweatered golf motifs. Actually, it seems that every two-bit hobby has a Bible except for rock and roll. But why should we introduce a new Bible unto the already festering heap of unread thin-sheeted parables? Never before has the overwhelming majority of Christians been rivaled by another group. Until now! Now, there is a new demographic disease spreading like salmonella in a bowl of frat boy barf. Thats right dear reader. The group I refer to is you and your lousy band.