James Cain - The Cocktail Waitress

I first met Tom Barclay at my husbands funeral, as he recalled to me later, though he made so little impression on me at the time that I had no recollection of ever having seen him before. Mr. Garrick, the undertaker, was in the habit of calling Student Aid, at the university, for boys to help him out, but one of those chosen that day, a junior named Dan Lacey, couldnt come for some reason, and his father asked Tom as a favor to go in his place. Tom, though hed graduated the year before, did the honors with me, calling for me and bringing me home in a big shiny limousine. But he rode up front with the driver, so we barely exchanged five words, and I didnt even see what he looked like. Later, he admitted he saw what I looked like-not my face, as I was wearing a veil, but my beautiful legs, as he called them. If I paid no attention to him, I had other things on my mind: the shock of what had happened to Ron, the tension of facing police, and the sudden, unexpected glimpse of my sister-in-laws scheme to steal my little boy. Ethel is Rons sister, and I know quite well its tragic that as a result of surgery she can never have a child of her own. I hope I allow for that. Still and all, it was a jolt to realize that she meant to keep my Tad. I knew she loved him, of course, when I went along with her suggestion, as we might call it, that she take him until I could readjust and get back on my feet. But that she might love him too much, that she might want him permanently, was something I hadnt even dreamed of.

I caught on soon enough, though, when she came over, at graveside. Leaving Jack Lucas, her husband, and Mr. and Mrs. Medford, her parents, who of course were also Rons parents, she first shook hands with Dr. Weeks, and I suppose thanked him for the beautiful service hed conducted, and then came over to me. Well, Joan, she began, you got what you wanted at last-I hope youre satisfied.

Whats that supposed to mean? I asked her.

I think you know.

If I did I wouldnt be asking. Say it.

Well the police certainly thought it funny, as everyone else did- you putting him out in the rain, in nothing but his pajamas, so he had to drive somewhere to get taken in, and if he crashed on a culvert wall I dont think you were really surprised-or much upset.

I put him out, I told her, after he came home drunk at two oclock Sunday morning, woke me hollering for another beer, and then got the bright idea of punishing Tad for something he did week before last-and Tad still healing from the last time. I knew nothing about the car he had borrowed over the weekend, which must have been at the curb, keys still in the ignition, for him to be able to drive off the way he did. Nor did I pay much attention when I looked out and found him gone. By that time, nothing he did or could do would surprise me, and as soon as I got Tad quiet I went to bed. It wasnt until the afternoon, when he was finally identified, that I found out what had happened to him. So if you think I planned it that way, youre mistaken.

So you say.

And so youll say too.

I beg your pardon, Joan?

Say it, Ethel, what I told you to say, that youre mistaken-or Im slapping your face right here, in front of Dr. Weeks, in front of the Medfords, in front of Rons friends, in a way you wont forget. Ethel-

I was mistaken.

I thought you were.

I said it. I dont think it.

What you think means less than nothing to me. What you say does, and it better correspond. We stood there glaring at each other, but then ice water began to drip down my back. It crossed my mind, suppose she really gets mean, and tells me to come get Tad? I thought: I cant take him yet, as I cant work if I have to stay with him, and I had to get work to eat, and also pay for him, as of course I couldnt just sponge his keep off Ethel. I felt myself swallowing, then swallowing again, and at last swallowing hard. I said: Ethel, I apologize for my tone. Ive been through quite a lot, and being accused of murder, or something that sounds a lot like it, is more than I can take. So-

Its O.K. I make allowance.

Now, may we get on?

If youre talking about Tad, everythings taken care of, and theres nothing to get on to.

Then, I thank you.

But I sounded stiff, and she snapped: Joan, theres nothing to thank me for, Tads my own flesh and blood. Hes welcome and more than welcome, for as long as may be desired. And the longer that is, the better Im going to like it.

Thats when she overshot it, not so much by what she said, as by the look in her eye as she said it. And thats when I woke up, to the fact it was not at all like her to take things lying down, especially an insult from me, and if she did take it, there had to be a reason. It brought me up short, but what could I do about it, especially here by the side of Rons grave, with his father, mother, and friends still whispering nice things about him? There was nothing that I could think of, as slaps wouldnt cover it, or make any sense at all-they never made sense actually, as I had often found out to my sorrow, and would shortly find out again. All I could do was blink, and I heard myself ask, very meekly: Where is Tad, by the way?

Joan, I thought best not to have a three-year-old child at the service, but hes in good hands and theres no need for you to worry.

What made me turn I dont know-she may have glanced over my shoulder-but anyway, I did, and there not far away was my son, playing beside Ethels car, still favoring his left arm when picking up his ball, while Eliza, the woman who did Ethels cleaning, looked on. I started for him, remembered, and lifted my veil, throwing it up on my hat. About that time he saw me, and came running, but in the way a three-year-old runs, leaning over forward, his feet having a hard time keeping up with his head. They didnt quite, but as he toppled I caught him. He wailed at the touch of my hand against his shoulder. I moved my hand and held him close and kissed him and loved him. When wed had our beautiful moment Eliza assured me: Hes been like a lamb, Miss Joan-no trouble at all. I was so sorry, what happened to Mr. Ron.

Thanks Eliza, that helps.

Want me to take him now?

Please.

When I got back, Ethel had rejoined her parents and Jack. I thanked Dr. Weeks, shook hands with Rons friends, men he knew from the bars mostly, a none-too-refined bunch in work pants and windbreakers, but very well-behaved. Then I nodded to Mr. and Mrs. Medford, who nodded in return, coldly, and it was easy to see they believed Ethels nonsense. Then I rejoined Tom, who had withdrawn a few feet when Ethel came to me. Are we ready? I asked him.

Any time you are, Mrs. Medford.

And so, on an afternoon in spring, I left the cemetery in College Park, Maryland, and headed for my home in Hyattsville, some five miles down the line, a suburb of Washington, D.C., to face the rest of my life, with a living to make, for myself and my little son, and no idea at all how to do it. So who am I, and why am I telling this? My maiden name is Joan Woods, and I was born in Washington, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Pittsburgh. My father, Charles Woods, is a lawyer and a community leader, with only one fault that I know of: He does what my mother says, always. At seventeen, I entered the University of Pittsburgh, but then opportunity knocked at my door: a boy from a steel family fell in love with me, and presently asked me to marry him. My mother was quite excited, and my father yessed her completely. But Fred bored me to tears, and a situation developed. To give it a chance to clear up, I took myself off to Washington, where a girl I knew had a job on the Hill, as its called. She thought she could work me in too, and after taking me into her apartment, had me stand by for her call. Actually, it was sit by, all day long, which can get tiresome, I found, as well as murderously lonesome. When the boy down the hall knocked I let him in, and one thing led to another. Next time, I was pregnant. But I knew nothing at all of anything that could be done. So far as I was concerned, a pregnant girl got married, which I did. To call Ron a reluctant bridegroom would be the understatement of the year. He hated getting married, hated little Tad, and I think hated me.