Brett Stern - 99 Ways to Open a Beer Bottle Without a Bottle Opener

This is a work of nonfiction. The methods proposed are solely of the authors vivid imagination and are to be used only as a guidance to open your beer. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. Drink responsibly and in moderation. Know your limits. Obey all laws.

Never drink and drive. Dont be stupid. Copyright 2014 by Brett Stern. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data: Stern, Brett.
99 ways to open a beer bottle without a bottle opener / Brett Stern.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-4521-3259-4 (hc)
ISBN 978-1-4521-3725-4 (epub, mobi)
1.

American wit and humor. I. Title. II. Title: Ninety-nine ways to open a beer bottle without a bottle opener. PN6162.S825 2014
818.5402dc23
2013038356 Designed by Liam Flanagan Chronicle Books LLC
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San Francisco, California 94107
www.chroniclebooks.com I dont think there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance.

It overcomes everything, even nature. JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER

Right about now, an icy cold bottle of beer sounds awesome. But an icy cold bottle of beer in hand thats not a twist offwith no bottle opener in sightsounds like a disaster. Worry not, fellow beer drinkers: lifes too short to let such trivial things keep you from your brew. After years of trial and error and enough beer drinking, Ive put together this handy how-to reference guide to solve all of your problems, or rather that most crucial problem of getting your beer open without an opener, no matter where you are or what you might have at hand.

In life, sometimes you dont have the correct tool to complete a task. But with the easy-to-follow photographs and instructions in this book, youll be quenching your thirst in no time. As you use and apply these methods, you will soon recognize the possible variations, adapt them to come up with your own solutions, and attain the rank of Professional Beer Bottle Opener. Lets face it, all youre doing is prying a round piece of metal off a round piece of glass. Cheers!

In 1892, William Painter, a mechanical engineer and foreman in a machine shop, was hired by a bottle manufacturer to develop a universal neck size and shape for glass bottles. These bottles were to be used for carbonated beverages and beer to standardize production and quality control.

Having accomplished this, he then recognized the need for a uniform cap for the bottles, and patented the crown cork cap as a sealing method. These innovations allowed for the invention of a machine to fill the bottles with liquid and carbonation, a machine for securing or crowning the caps on the bottles, and of course the bottle cap opener. A prolific inventor with eighty-five patents, Painter was inducted into the Inventors Hall of Fame in 2006. To accompany each method, I have instituted a skill-rating system indicating the degree of difficulty. Easy Medium Hard I wish you luck and happy beer drinking! ALWAYS REMEMBER:Never drink from a bottle if you break the glass.

Place cap on edge of table Just punch the sh*t out of it Drink the rewards Hold bottle securely Place bottom of lighter under cap Place thumb on top of cap Pry off cap Drink You are a professional Hold cap to cap Pull apart, trying to get the bottom bottle to open first Drink Beware: Due to Murphys Law, the top bottle usually opens first. Place cap on edge of table Just punch the sh*t out of it Drink the rewards Hold bottle securely Place bottom of lighter under cap Place thumb on top of cap Pry off cap Drink You are a professional Hold cap to cap Pull apart, trying to get the bottom bottle to open first Drink Beware: Due to Murphys Law, the top bottle usually opens first.

If the beer gods are smiling on you, both beers will open without spilling a drop.

Place end of key under cap Pry off cap Drink Dont lose your keys Spend the last of your cash on cheap beer Reach into your pockets and realize you have spare change While holding bottle securely, place lucky coin under cap Pop off cap Drink First of all, why do you have a corkscrew and not a bottle opener? Place tip of corkscrew under cap rim Pry off cap Drink beer not wine Next page