This book would never have happened if the publishers hadnt approached me to do it. It is Jeremy Boraine, editor Alfred LeMaitre, Eugene Ashton and the team at Jonathan Ball publishers who deserve the greater part of my thanks. Along with my manager, Rina Broomberg, who cracked the whip and helped me throw out huge chunks of self-indulgent verbosity, we had an idea that a book might work. Naturally I wish to thank my terrific family for at least some of the content: my father and mother, Rory and Monica; and my brother and sister Robert and Sandra. They are the nicest people I know, and sometimes the oddest. Overwhelmingly I must thank the people who listen to my radio show, follow me on Twitter and Facebook, sit through the roller coaster ride of Idols and read the articles I have been hammering out on garethcliff.com for the last few years. No doubt they will find themselves familiar with much of the style in this book.
There are many names that I could rattle off as having been valuable to me in the formulation of ideas, giving a context to experiences and influencing my own writing. I wont bore you. Suffice it to say that Mr Liddle from Laddsworth Primary School, John Cleese, Stephen Fry and Christopher Hitchens have probably had more to do with my love of words than any other people, and I credit them with an umbrella acknowledgement for any part of this book which they may have influenced consciously or not. I hope I wont upset or offend you. Plato said: Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. I hope you will not judge me of the latter category.
Opinions are like arseholes everybody has one
Wow, youre very opinionated!, she said in a disgusted tone, walking away in a hurry in case I gave her one more. I dont know why, but some people think it a very bad thing to have an opinion about anything. Blend in, dont make too much noise, just be happy with what you know and do. That seems to be their motto. I couldnt do that. The woman in question was a conservative, middle-aged mother of two who probably worked for a bank, was out of love with her husband, watched a lot of TV soap operas and drove, at best, a Volvo. People like that consider people with opinions dangerous for the common good. But thats just my opinion.
From the bold to the beautiful: I met a really pretty girl in 2004. She was sexy, vivacious, educated and talented, and even had a great sense of humour. Everything seemed to be just about perfect. The only problem was that she had no opinion on anything. She didnt think abortion was right, or wrong. She didnt know or care whether there was global warming. She didnt want to talk politics, religion, race, culture or news (you know, all the good stuff). In a situation like this, you cant really have a good conversation; she never said what she thought or how she felt. She could only really talk about herself or laugh at me. It was a pity because I might have fathered some offspring with her. Did I mention that she really was very pretty?
I suppose you might think me petty for making a big deal about something like opinions, but its actually a really big reason that I will either get on with you or not. Imagine how difficult it would be to have friends of a different race and another friend whos a racist. Things would get complicated because the racist holds an unacceptable opinion. You see, it is a big deal.
If you really believe its important to be free (and I assume you do, since the alternative is slavery or serfdom), then you have to exercise your freedom. What would be the point of having a guitar if you never learnt to play it? Freedom needs to be put to work you need to keep it fit. The best way to exercise your freedom is to decide how you feel about the things you care about, and let other people know. If you think the government is screwing things up, you need to tell them. If you think being overcharged for bread is wrong, and you never say anything, the people who make and sell the bread will keep taking advantage of you, and ripping you off. Wait a second, that actually did happen
Throughout human history, people have been subjects, forced to fit in with someone elses opinion of how things should work a king, emperor, Pope or Fhrer. Thanks to the arduous struggle of the Enlightenment, the abolition of slavery, the spread of democracy, universal suffrage, the destruction of racism and increased access to education and information, we are only now able to voice our own opinions. We should guard this right jealously, just in case the politicians decide to chip away at it again. Authority doesnt like opinion; it likes obedience. Dont think for a minute that those in power enjoy our being able to argue with them. The only reason we have rubbish governments is because so many ordinary people have no opinions.
So what opinions do you have? What matters to you? If I asked you how you feel about what children should be taught at school, what you think about corruption, who you think would be freakier in bed Lady Gaga or Courtney Love youd surely have an answer?
You see what I mean by this? Being opinionated is not about grandstanding and shoving your thoughts down other peoples throats; its the whole point of being free. If you have no opinions about anything, you cant be a very thoughtful or serious person (and by this I mean a person to be taken seriously, rather than someone who is always solemn). What you think about tells the world more about you than how you look or what you have. How interested you are in the world will determine how interested the world is in you. Thats why opinion matters because you matter. If you dont think you matter, dont worry, you dont need opinions Ive already made up my mind about you.
This has to go
There are things I have seen around in the last while that are pointless, that serve no purpose at all and that need to be thrown out along with the old loom, wooden tennis racket and patchwork leather jacket. Tell me if you agree.
1 The paperwork you have to complete upon entering an office park, complex or golf estate
I dont understand this procedure at all. It was thought up by terrified white people, and they think it works. As a matter of principle, I fill in Mickey Mouse under name , Disneyworld under address and 555-5555 under contact number . If they have a column for Reason for entry I just say To have sex. Nobody seems ever to have noticed. Just let me in. What kind of burglar, rapist or murderer is going to leave their correct details at the gate?
2 Nigella Lawson
Look, sweetheart, we know you married the worlds richest ad man and you like to eat (sometimes your arse is all we can fit on the screen), but its time you stopped messing around and just went straight into porn. Everything is succulent, juicy, dripping, sensual, exotic, erotic and moist and we know youre not talking about food. Get on with it; stop trying to make middle-aged recipe shows sexy. Just take it off or be gone.
3 Those Power Plate things at the gym
Its only ever obese people on them. I dont know what they do. They shake you around or something. You wont get thin being shaken around only, so stop wasting your time. Eat less, run more. Thats my diet. It will work; Power Plate will not.
4 Scanners for your bags
I once walked into the SABC carrying a sharp, cold-steel cavalry sabre. Its a big shiny sword, as long as your leg. They asked me to put it through the scanner. Every morning I have to remove my laptop from my bag and put it through the scanner at work, and every week I do the same at the airport. Someone decided this was important, and now were forced to waste time doing it. Not one of those Einsteins behind the screen would be able to identify illicit or explosive material anyway, so why do we bother? Al-Qaeda could have smuggled an entire Boeing 747 in pieces through OR Tambo and the scoo-rty wouldnt have batted an eyelid.