Boris Akunin - He Lover of Death

Of course, that wasnt what she was called to begin with. It was something ordinary, a proper Russian name. Malaniya, maybe, or Agrippina. And she had a family name to go with it, too. Well everyones got one of them, dont they? Your lop-eared mongrel Vanka doesnt have a family name, but a persons got to have one, because thats what makes them a person.

Only when Speedy Senka saw her that first time, she already had her final moniker. Nobody ever spoke about her any other way theyd all forgotten her first name and her family name.

And this was how he happened to see her.

He was sitting with the lads on the bench in front of Deriugins corner shop. Smoking baccy and chewing the fat.

Suddenly, up drives this jaunty little gig. Tyres pumped fat and tight, spokes painted all golden, yellow leather top. And then out steps a bint, the like of which Senka has never seen before, not on the swanky Kuznetsky Most, not even in Red Square on a church holiday. But no, she wasnt a bint a lady, thats what she was, or, better still, a damsel. Black plaits in a crown on top of her head, a fancy coloured silk shawl on her shoulders, and her dress was silk too, it shimmered. But the shawl or the dress didnt matter, it was her face, it was so . . . so . . . well, theres just no words for it. One look, and you melted inside. And that was what Senka did, melted inside.

Whos that fancy broad? he asked, and then, so as not to give himself away, he spat through closed teeth (he could gob farther than anyone else like that, at least six feet that gap at the front was very handy). Its plain to see, Speedy, Prokha said, that youre new round here. And right enough, Senka was still settling into Khitrovka back then, it was only a couple of weeks since hed taken off from Sukharevka. That aint a broad, says Prokha. Thats Death! Senka didnt twig straight off what death had to do with anything. He thought it was just Prokhas fancy way of talking like, shes dead beautiful.

And she really was beautiful, no getting away from that. High clear forehead, arched eyebrows, white skin, scarlet lips and o-o-oh those eyes! Senka had seen eyes like that on Cavalry Square, on the Turkestan horses: big and moist, but glinting with sparks of fire at the same time. Only the eyes of the damsel who got out of that fancy carriage were lovelier even than the eyes on those horses.

Senkas own eyes popped out of his head as he gaped at the miraculously beautiful damsel, and Mikheika the Night-Owl brushed the baccy crumbs off his lip then elbowed him in the side: Ogle away, Speedy, he says, but dont overdo it. Or the Prince will lop your ear off and make you eat it, like he did that time with that huckster from Volokolamsk. He took a shine to Death too, that huckster did. But he ogled too hard.

And Senka didnt catch on about Death this time either he was too taken by the idea of eating ears.

What, and did the huckster eat it, then? he asked in amazement. I wouldnt do that, no way.

Prokha took a swig from his beer. Yes you would, he said. If the Prince asked you nice and polite, like, youd be only too happy to do it and youd say thank you, that was very tasty. That huckster chewed and chewed on his ear, but he couldnt swallow it, and then the Prince lopped off the other one and stuck it in his mouth. And to make him get a move on, he kept pricking him in the belly with his pen his knife, I mean. That hucksters head swelled up afterwards and went all rotten. He howled for a couple of days, and then croaked, never did get back to that Volokolamsk of his. Thats the way things are done in Khitrovka. So just you take note, Speedy.

It goes without saying that Speedy had heard about the Prince, even though he hadnt been doing the rounds in Khitrovka for long. Who hadnt heard about the Prince? The biggest hotshot bandit in the whole of Moscow. They talked about him at the markets, they wrote about him in the papers. The coppers were hunting him, but they couldnt even get close. Khitrovka didnt give up her own everyone there knew what happened to squealers.

But I still wouldnt eat my ear, thought Senka. Id rather take the knife.

So, is she the Princes moll, then? he asked about the amazing damsel, out of simple curiosity, like. Hed decided he wasnt going to gape at her any more, wasnt really that interested, was he? And anyway, there was no one to gape at, shed already gone into the shop.

Ith she? Prokha teased him (not all of Senkas words came out right since one of his teeth was smashed out). Youre the one whos a moll.

In Sukharevka, if you called one of the lads a moll, you earned yourself a right battering, and Senka took aim, ready to smash Prokha in his bony kisser, but then he changed his mind. Well, for starters, maybe the customs were different round here, and it wasnt meant to be an insult. And then again, Prokha was a big strapping lad, so who could tell which of them would get the battering? And last but not least, he was really dying to hear about that girl.

Well, Prokha kept putting him off for a while, but then the story came out.

She used to live all right and proper, with Mum and Dad, out in the Dobraya Sloboda district, or maybe Razgulyai anyway, somewhere over on that side of town. She grew up a real good-looker, as sweet as they come, and she had no end of admirers. So, just as soon as she came of age, she was engaged. They were on their way to the church to get married, she and her bridegroom, when suddenly these two black stallions, great huge brutes, darted right in front of their sleigh. If only theyd guessed they ought to say a prayer right then, things would have gone different. Or at least crossed themselves. Only no one guessed, or maybe there wasnt enough time. The horses were startled something wicked by the black stallions and they went flying off the bank into the Yauza river on a bend. The bridegroom was crushed to death and the driver drowned, but the girl was fine. Not a scratch on her.

Well, all right, all sorts happen, after all. They took the lad off to bury him. And the bride walked beside the coffin. Grieving something awful, she was they said she really did love him. And when they start crossing the bridge, right by the spotwhere it all happened, she suddenly shouts out: Goodbye, good Christian people, and leaps head-first over the railings, down off the bridge. There had been a hard frost the day before, and the ice on the river was real thick, so by rights she should have smashed her head open or broken her neck. Ah, but that wasnt what happened. She fell straight into this gap with just a thin crust of ice, dusted over with snow, plopped under the water and was gone.

Well, everybody thinks, shes drowned, and theyre running around, waving their arms in the air. Only she wasnt drowned, she was dragged about fifty fathoms under the ice and cast up through a hole where some women were doing their laundry.

They snagged her with a boathook or some such thing and dragged her out. She looked dead, all white she was, but after she lay down for a while and warmed up again, she was as good as new. Alive and kicking.

Because she was harder to kill than a cat, they called her Lively, and some even called her the Immortal, but that wasnt her final moniker. That changed later.

A year went by, or maybe a year and a half, and then didnt her parents try to marry her off again. And by now the girl was a more beautiful blossom than ever. Her bridegroom was this merchant, not young, but filthy rich. It was all the same to her Lively, I mean a merchant would do as well as anyone. Those that knew her then say she was pining badly for her bridegroom, the one who was killed.

So then what happens? The day before the wedding, at the morning service in church, the new bridegroom suddenly starts wheezing and flinging his arms about and then flops over on his side. He twitched a leg and flapped his lips for a bit, and went to his eternal rest. Carried off by a stroke.