Wells - Me, as a penguin

Tom Wells

ME, AS A PENGUIN

And two monologues:
About a Goth
Notes for First Time Astronauts

NICK HERN BOOKS

London

www.nickhernbooks.co.uk

Contents

Me, As A Penguin was first performed at the Arcola Theatre, London, on 27 April 2010, with the following cast:

Characters

STITCH, timid, in a cardigan
LIZ, not timid, pregnant
MARK, well-meaning but worried
DAVE, unimpressed, dressed as a giant penguin
SAM, offstage

ACT ONE

Casting On

Beginning anything new can be daunting, and knitting is no exception. Mistakes made while casting on can trouble you right through to a garments completion. Take care, and take your time. Imagine the finished piece. Nothing spurs a young girl on to success more readily than the thought of a well-knitted bedsock.

A Girls Guide to Knitting & Crochet, Janice Thripp (1962)

Scene One

A room with a sofa. A door at the back leads to the bathroom, from which splashing is heard. STITCH comes out of the bathroom, damp, with a worried expression. He shuts the door, leans against it, looks up and sighs.

STITCH. Bugger.

STITCH sits down on the sofa and starts knitting. His expression is approaching shell shock. A Transformers lunchbox rests on the floor by his feet, and next to the sofa is a rolled-up sleeping bag and a bag stuffed haphazardly with clothes. In front of the sofa is a low table with a CD player and some chunky headphones. On the back wall is a telephone. LIZ enters, heavily pregnant, waddles over to the sofa and sits down (heavily).

LIZ. I want this bump out. Now.

STITCH. Im sorry.

LIZ. Its so uncomfortable. And I need the loo.

STITCH. No help with that either Im afraid.

LIZ (starts to get up). Oh, well. If you want something doing

STITCH (holds onto her). No, Liz. You cant.

LIZ. Ive had three mango lassis, Stitch. I cant not.

STITCH. Its just.

LIZ. Like drinking sunlight at the time. Now this.

STITCH. Sams in there. Had a bit of an accident earlier. Hes having a bath.

LIZ. Poor lad. He had one at the jumble sale and all. They sent him home in floral culottes.

STITCH smiles.

Its not funny.

STITCH. No, just. It wasnt that sort of accident.

LIZ. Oh. Oh God, is he alright?

STITCH. Yeah, hes fine. Just a bit. Wet.

LIZ. What happened?

STITCH. Well, you know. Not much. Fell in with the penguins. A bit.

LIZ. What was he doing in with the penguins?

STITCH. Thats what I thought.

LIZ. You were looking after him.

Pause. STITCH shrugs.

Remind me never to let you take the bump out.

STITCH (smiling). Thought you wanted it out. Now.

LIZ. I meant to, wherever youve been. Feed it to the sodding lions, you will. Then shrug.

STITCH. No lions.

LIZ. Whatever, tigers.

STITCH. Liz, its an aquarium. The penguins are only there for half-term.

LIZ. They must have something in the way of predators.

STITCH. Squids, I suppose. Theyre quite shifty-looking.

LIZ. What do they eat?

STITCH. Dunno. Fish maybe. Seaweed. When I was there this bloke tried feeding the stingrays Battenberg. They werent keen.

Beat.

LIZ. I could just eat a bit of Battenberg.

STITCH. Well. Youre in luck.

LIZ. Wahey.

STITCH. Mum sent one with me for the journey. Should be just in my bag down there. Can you reach?

LIZ looks in STITCHs bag at the side of the sofa. She takes out a few crumpled T-shirts, then finds a bottle of pills, looks at them quickly and puts them back. She finds the Battenberg.

LIZ. Got it. Oh, hang on. You dont think itll make matters worse.

STITCH. Nah, probably soak a bit up. Looks quite absorbent really. For a snack. Ill get a knife.

LIZ (who has already bitten into the whole thing). Youre alright. Ill manage like this.

Pause. LIZ chews thoughtfully. STITCH examines his knitting.

I love Battenberg.

STITCH (carries on knitting). Mm.

LIZ. Dyou think you could live off it?

STITCH. You seem to.

LIZ. I meant for ever though.

STITCH. Dont see why not. Sponge. Jam. Marzipan. Three of your five-a-day.

LIZ. Odd though, isnt it? Wonder who first thought: cakes okay, but. Taste better in a grid. And it does. Sort of genius, that.

Pause. STITCH is still knitting.

Okay. If the biggest risk is a squid, you can take the bump out when its ready.

STITCH. Cheers.

LIZ. Not the penguins though.

STITCH. I didnt push him in.

LIZ. Well, why was he there in the first place?

STITCH. Its complicated.

LIZ. If it takes my mind off my bladder, Im in.

STITCH. Fine. Dave was there. Working.

LIZ. Who?

STITCH. You know. Marks mate. I met him Saturday.

LIZ. Oh, that Dave.

STITCH. He let us in to help feed them.

LIZ. I didnt realise he worked there.

STITCH. Yeah. Travels round with the penguins. Various places.

LIZ. Come on then, what happened?

STITCH. Well, I didnt know it was him, to begin with.

LIZ. Mustve looked different without the vodka.

STITCH. I suppose. He was dressed as a giant penguin though, so.

LIZ. Really?

STITCH. Some sort of promotional thing.

LIZ. Dressed up as a giant penguin.

STITCH. Enormous, yeah.

LIZ. And you still fancy him?

STITCH (quietly). Mm.

Silence.

LIZ. Give it time, eh. Eh?

STITCH. I am.

Silence.

Seemed quite pleased to see me.

LIZ. Great.

STITCH. Mm.

LIZ. Sounds nice.

STITCH. I suppose he is, yeah. Knows his sea life.

Quite sweet, really, the other night. He told me about these penguins in New York. Gay penguins. When all the others, the straight ones, were looking after the eggs and that, they looked after this stone. He said they kept it warm, kept it safe. Every year they did their best to hatch it. Didnt work though. Then one year, the zookeepers swapped it, the stone, for an egg. Itd been, you know. Sorted. And they hatched it. Dads. Like the others. Just, family.

(Embarrassed.) Its a nice story, anyway. Dont know if its Think he mightve been.

LIZ. What? Making it up.

STITCH. No. (Bashful.) Chatting me up.

LIZ reacts.

I know.

LIZ. So, today was like a date?

STITCH shakes his head.

STITCH. Just a coincidence.

LIZ. Really?

STITCH. No, not really. Thats why I took Sam. In case I looked like a stalker.

LIZ. And did you?

STITCH. I hope not. Think I played it quite cool really.

LIZ (looking doubtful). Great.

STITCH. Yeah.

Pause.

I did do something stupid. I mean. Sort of. Youll laugh, anyway.

LIZ (uncertain). Yeah?

STITCH. Oh, it doesnt matter. Tell you later.

Pause.

LIZ. Look, Stitch. I dont want to tell you what to do or anything. Im not some sort of bossy big sister. You know best and that. And to Daves credit, Ive never met him so I might be wrong but. The thing is. I wont lie. Most of Marks friends are. I dunno how to describe them really. Complete twats?