Alexander Mccall Smith - Corduroy Mansions

BOOKS BY ALEXANDER M C CALL SMITH

In the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series

The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency
Tears of the Giraffe
Morality for Beautiful Girls
The Kalahari Typing School for Men
The Full Cupboard of Life
In the Company of Cheerful Ladies
Blue Shoes and Happiness
The Good Husband of Zebra Drive
The Miracle at Speedy Motors
Tea Time for the Traditionally Built
The Double Comfort Safari Club

In the Isabel Dalhousie Series

The Sunday Philosophy Club
Friends, Lovers, Chocolate
The Right Attitude to Rain
The Careful Use of Compliments
The Comforts of a Muddy Saturday
The Lost Art of Gratitude

In the Portuguese Irregular Verb Series

Portuguese Irregular Verbs
The Finer Points of Sausage Dogs
At the Villa of Reduced Circumstances

In the 44 Scotland Street Series

44 Scotland Street
Espresso Tales
Love over Scotland
The World According to Bertie
The Unbearable Lightness of Scones
The Girl Who Married a Lion and Other Tales from Africa
Las Orchestra Saves the World
Corduroy Mansions

This book is for
Andrew Sachs

P ASSING OFF , thought William. Spanish sparkling winefilthy stuff, he thought, filthypassed itself off as champagne. Japanese whiskyGlen Yakomoto!was served as Scotch. Inferior hard cheesefrom Mafia-run factories in Cataniawas sold to the unsuspecting as Parmesan.

Lots of things were passed off in one way or another, and now, as he stood before the bathroom mirror, he wondered if he could be passed off too. He looked at himself, or such part of himself as the small mirror encompassedjust his face, really, and a bit of neck. It was a fifty-one-year-old face chronologically, but would it pass, he wondered, for a forty-something-year-old face?

He looked more closely: there were lines around the eyes and at the edge of the mouth but the cheeks were smooth enough. He pulled at the skin around the eyes and the lines disappeared. There were doctors who could do that for you, of course: tighten things up; nip and tuck. But the results, he thought, were usually risible. He had a customer who had gone off to some clinic and come back with a face like a Noh-play maskall smoothed out and flat. It was sad, really. And as for male wigs, with their stark, obvious hairlines, all one wanted to do was to reach forward and give them a tug. It was quite hard to resist, actually, and once, as a studentand when drunkhe had done just that. He had tugged at the wig of a man in a bar and the man had cried. He still felt ashamed of himself for that. Best not to think about it.

No, he was weathering well enough and it was far more dignified to let nature take its course, to weather in a National Trust sort of way. He looked again at his face. Not bad. The sort of face, he thought, that would be hard to describe on the Wanted poster, if he were ever to do anything to merit the attention of the policewhich he had not, of course. Apart from the usual sort of thing that made a criminal of everybody: Wanted for illegal parking, he muttered. William Edward French (51). Average height, very slightly overweight (if you dont mind our saying so), no distinguishing features. Not dangerous, but approach with caution.

He smiled. And if I were to describe myself in one of those lonely hearts ads? Wine dealer, widower, solvent, late forties-ish, GSOH, reasonable shape, interested in music, dining out etc., etc., WLTM presentable, lively woman with view to LTR.

That would be about it. Of course one had to be careful about the choice of words in these things; there were codes, and one might not be aware of them. Solvent was clear enough: it meant that one had sufficient money to be comfortable, and that was true enough. He would not describe himself as well off, but he was certainly solvent. Well off, he had read somewhere, now meant disposable assets of over how much? More than he had, he suspected.

And reasonable shape? Well, if that was not strictly speaking true at present, it would be shortly. William had joined a gym and been allocated a personal trainer. If his shape at present was not ideal, it soon would be, once the personal trainer had worked on him. It would take a month or two, he thought, not much more than that. So perhaps one might say, shortly to be in reasonable shape.

Now, what about: would like to meet presentable, lively woman. Well, presentable was a pretty low requirement. Virtually anybody could be presentable if they made at least some effort. Lively was another matter. One would have to be careful about lively because it could possibly be code for insatiable, and that would not do. Who would want to meet an insatiable woman? My son, thought William suddenly. Thats exactly the sort of woman Eddie would want to meet. The thought depressed him.

William lived with his son. There had been several broad hints dropped that Eddie might care to move out and share with other twenty-somethings, and recently a friend of Eddies had even asked him if he wanted to move into a shared flat, but these hints had apparently fallen on unreceptive ground. Its quite an adventure, Eddie, William said. Everybody at your stage of life shares a flat. Like those girls downstairs. Look at the fun they have. Most people do it.

You didnt.

William sighed. My circumstances, Eddie, were a bit different.

You lived with Grandpa until he snuffed it.

Precisely. But I had to, dont you see? I couldnt leave him to look after himself.

But I could live with you until you snuff it.

Thats very kind of you. But Im not planning to snuff it just yet.

Then there had been an offer to help with a mortgageto pay the deposit on a flat in Kentish Town. William had even gone so far as to contact an agent and find a place that sounded suitable. He had looked at it without telling Eddie, meeting the agent one afternoon and being shown round while a litany of the flatsand the areasadvantages was recited.

William had been puzzled. But it doesnt appear to have a kitchen, he pointed out.

The agent was silent for a moment. Not as such, he conceded. No. Thats correct. But theres a place for a sink and you can see where the cooker used to be. So thats the kitchen space. Nowadays people think in terms of a kitchen space. The old concept of a separate kitchen is not so important. People see past a kitchen.

In spite of the drawbacks, William had suggested that Eddie should look at the place and had then made his proposition. He would give him the deposit and guarantee the mortgage.

Your own place, he said. Its ideal.

Eddie looked doubtful. But it hasnt got a kitchen, Dad. You said so. No kitchen.

William took this in his stride. It has a kitchen space, Eddie. People see past an actual kitchen these days. Didnt you know that?

But Eddie was not to be moved. Its kind of you, Dad. I appreciate the offer, but I think its premature. Im actually quite comfortable living at home. And its greener, isnt it? Sharing. It makes our carbon footprint much smaller.