Mahood - Free Country: A Penniless Adventure the Length of Britain

Land's End to Zennor - 16 miles

We were standing in our pants on the end of Britain. The sea chewed atthe land around us, and the wind and rain attacked from all angles. We had theskin of freshly plucked turkeys. Cycling 1000 miles to the top of Scotland without any money, clothes, shoes, food or bikes, suddenly felt like a reallystupid idea.

Lands End is frequented by three types of people; disillusionedholidaymakers who imagine that a trip to Britains most south-westerly point isa rewarding experience, tourists who arrive there by mistake when they run outof road, and those who are starting or finishing the popular Lands End to JohnOGroats expedition. We fell awkwardly into the latter category.

The plan was simple. We had three weeks to get from the bottom of England to the top of Scotland by foot or by bike without spending a single penny. Setting offin just a pair of Union Jack boxer shorts, we hoped to rely on the generosityof the British public to help us with everything from accommodation to food,clothes to shoes, and bikes to beer.

I was working as a photographer at the time. At least, thats what I toldpeople. I quit my stable, easy and fairly well paid job a few years previouslyto become a full-time photographer. In truth, I spent my days doing unstable,mundane and badly paid temping jobs in order to pay the bills. The photographyjobs did come in very occasionally and they provided me with enough credibilityto convince those around me that the decision to leave my job was a wise one. Itook a picture of a friend of a friends dog the previous month and I had a barmitzvah booking for the following year. Business was really booming, oh yeah.

My travelling companion was Ben. Ben worked as a composer and an actor,appearing in a number of Oscar-winning blockbusters such as Harry Potter,The Phantom of the Opera and Lordof the Rings. Hehad also appeared in countless TV shows including Eastenders, TheBill and Casualty. When I say actor, I mean extra, and you wouldhave to be incredibly quick-fingered with the pause button to spot him in ANYof his roles. As I mentioned, he was also a composer. Specifically, he mademusic for film and television. Three seconds of his music once featured in aTaiwanese computer advert - shown only on the internet - and he was stillreeling in the glory of that moment. He spent his days watching Bargain Huntand waiting for the advertising agency to phone back.

I asked Ben to join me on LEJOG (this is what those in the know call the Lands End to John OGroats trip. Its an acronym, you see), because he was the only one ofmy friends that fitted the necessary criteria; he was a self-employed layaboutlike me who did not need permission to take three weeks off work at shortnotice.

We started early, at about 7.30am, in order to minimise the amount of peoplethat would have to witness our scrawny bodies. The coastline around Lands End is impressive, but there is no sense whatsoever of being at the end of thecountry. Try standing there in your pants in the wind and rain, however, and itdefinitely heightens the experience.

The footpaths around the Lands End complex were not designed with thebarefoot walker in mind, and the heavy gravel cut into our feet at every step.In fairness, it is unlikely that many visitors to that part of Cornwall come without shoes. Even the notorious Naked Rambler wore a pair of walkingboots. The cheating bastard. You can visit his boots if you are really bored- in the End to End Experience museum, which forms part of the Lands End complex. He is mentioned alongside Ian Botham, who has famously walked the routetwice, and next to the story of a man who tried to push a pea with his nose theentire way. He got about two miles before he realised that it made his nosehurt.

We met up with Jemma - the End to End co-ordinator. Jemma had possiblythe most enviable job in the world. Her working day involved sitting in alittle office by a log fire, looking out to sea. She occasionally had to say GoodLuck to people like us who were setting off to John OGroats, or Well-doneto those who had finished their journey. This, it seemed, was all she did. Iwas incredibly jealous.

We asked her if she had any interesting stories of fellow End to Enders,and she told us about a cyclist being hit by a car and killed, and another oneconcerning a group being robbed at gunpoint. These were not the inspirational, feel-goodstories we were hoping for.

The idea of the penniless challenge was founded on the belief, that, as anation, we have lost sight of the basic values of humanity and kinship. We tendto be very suspicious of those that we dont know, and of anything that fallsoutside the realms of normality. Britain is broken, or so we are led tobelieve, and every unfamiliar face masks an axe murderer or terrorist. Wechoose to close our doors and hide from the outside world.

I wanted to prove this notion wrong. I strongly believed that there wasstill a lot of good to be found in society, and that there lies withineveryone, the desire to help others. By travelling without money andprovisions, we were putting ourselves completely at the mercy of strangers,relying on their generosity to get us through.

The Lands End to John OGroats challenge is an iconic British journey,and it seemed to tie in perfectly with the penniless format of the trip as itencapsulated the whole of Great Britain.

Clothes were a priority.

We stood little chance of getting food, accommodation or bikes with ourpasty bodies on full show. Also, it was bloody freezing and we didnt want tobecome the first people to die at Lands End before crossing the official startline. Although, if we had, Jemma would have had another story to tell other Endto Enders before they set off.