Armstrong Alexander - The 100 Most Pointless Things in the World: A pointless book written by the presenters of the hit BBC 1 TV show

Alexander Armstrong is a comic actor and presenter probably best known for his double act Armstrong & Miller on BBC1. He divides his time between West London and Oxfordshire where he keeps llamas and potters about ineptly in the garden.

When Richard Osman is not being the co-presenter of BBC1s Pointless he is the Creative Director of Endemol and the producer of shows as varied as 8 Out of 10 Cats, Deal Or No Deal and Total Wipeout. He lives in West London, and is currently looking for a good builder, if you know one.

You can follow Alexander and Richard on twitterhttp://twitter.com/XanderArmstrong andhttp://twitter.com/richardosman and to find out more about Pointless on BBC1 go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00rhg2r

www.hodder.co.uk

First published in Great Britain in 2012 by Coronet

An imprint of Hodder & Stoughton

An Hachette UK company

Copyright Alexander Armstrong, Richard Osman and Endemol 2012

The right of Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman to be identified as the Authors of the Work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 444 76206 8

Hodder & Stoughton Ltd

338 Euston Road

London NW1 3BH

www.hodder.co.uk

For Ruby and Sonny

The two least pointless things in my world.

For Rex, Paddy and Edward

We would like to take a moment to thank the following people for their enormous help in writing this book.

The brilliant Pointless producers, John Ryan, Ed de Burgh, Michelle Woods, Jess Enderby, Tom Blakeson, David Flynn and Richard Hague.

The even more brilliant Pointless question team, given that they actually do most of the work while the producers are watching Bargain Hunt and drinking lattes. Bronagh Taggart, Sean Carey, Rose Dawson (not the one from Titanic), Angus McDonald, Ben Polya, Ed Egan, Helen Morris, James Ellis, Julia Hobbs (who was in the final of Mastermind. How about that?), Nick Shearing, Rebecca Milloy and Thom Poole. And special thanks to Chris Halestorm Hale and Tom No Nickname Banks, for going above and beyond the call of obscure trivia duty.

Thanks for many inspirationally pointless conversations with Neil Webster, Shaun Parry, Cat Lynch, Nick Mather, Kellie Turner, Tim Hincks, Gemma Martin, Lisa Kirk, Peter Holmes, Ben Caudell, Lisa Callow, Kate Stannard, Ben Powell-Jones, Charlie Bennet, Simon Craig, Aaron Rosenthal, Dom Waugh, Kate McGlade, and the Three Musketeers, Matt Edmonds, Rocco Sulkin and Dave Tanner.

Thanks too to Juliet Mushens at PFD, Charlotte Hardman at Hodder & Stoughton and Lucas Church and Claire Heys at Endemol, for all willing this book into existence.

Special thanks and undying gratitude* (*not contractually binding) to the wonderful and very funny Aidan Hawkes, Matt Hulme, Simon Weekesy Weekes (Crazy nickname, crazy guy!), and Marie Phillips.

And finally, gold medal thanks from us both to the unstoppable, incomparable Glenn Hugill.

CONTENTS

Im never sure what the point of introductions to books is, so there will be no introduction to this one. Introductions are the hundredth most pointless thing in the world. Heres why I believe they serve no purpose.

I mean, Im guessing you already know what this book is? Someone has probably bought it for you for Christmas maybe a grandchild, your loving husband short of gift ideas, or perhaps that woman at work who clearly doesnt know you very well. (What is it with her anyway? Who buys books for people at work? I think maybe she has a thing for you.)

And youve read the back of the book, so you already know that what lies ahead is a list of the 100 most pointless things in the world. Irritating things, infuriating things, bizarre things, even pointlessly wonderful and magnificent things. You have recognised immediately that it would be a good book to leave in the guest bedroom, or maybe in the toilet. If the guest bedroom has its own toilet, then that would be perfect.

Youve glanced at the front, too, so youll already have worked out that these 100 things have been written by those two men from Pointless. One is Richard thats me, the tall one with the glasses, hello and the other is Xander, the handsome, urbane one, who would make such a wonderful son-in-law.

So there is absolutely no need for an introduction.

I mean, there are little things you wont know yet, like there will also be lots of pointless quiz questions and facts that you can annoy your family with. But youll find that out for yourself soon enough. In fact, youll find it out right now.

Lets start with the favourite fact Ive learned in four hundred episodes of Pointless:

POINTLESS QUIZ QUESTION

What is Patrick Cliftons famous TV job?

The answers to all the questions youll be vainly attempting will be found at the back of the book. Thats exactly the sort of thing you might read in an introduction.

Now that I really think about introductions, it would also be nice to find space somewhere to say how much Xander and I enjoyed writing this book, and how much we hope you enjoy reading it. Even if its mainly on the toilet. But without an introduction, Im afraid, I wont be able to do that.

And maybe we could have used an introduction to reassure regular Pointless viewers that every question weve ever been asked about Pointless will be answered somewhere in this book. And rest assured, the Pointless favourite, Central African Republic, will be making an appearance.

But introductions are pointless, which is why you wont find one in this book. Please accept my heartfelt apologies and lets move straight on to number 99...

I have a friend who works in a cushion factory. She doesnt earn much, but shes comfortable.

Cushions are like home-furnishing heroin. You buy one cushion for the sofa (because the sofa, which is essentially made out of cushions, needs a cushion). Before you know it, youve bought two more, for the corners of the sofa, then another two, one for each armchair.