Suzanne Woods Fisher - The Search

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The weather all week was sunny and mild with no sign of rain. Late one afternoon, Lainey found Caleb Zook out in his cornfield, walking among the rustling whispers of the stalks. He was a tall man, yet the green stalks nearly reached his chin. He waved when he saw her and came through the path to meet her by the fence.

We met at church on Sunday, she said, putting out her hand to shake his. Im Lainey OToole.

I remember. He smiled. I remember you as a girl too. Bertha brought you to church now and then.

His warmth surprised her. She would have thought a bishop would act stern and serious and cold with an Englisher. But Caleb Zook wasnt cold. Not cold at all. I was hoping to have a talk with you sometime.

Now is as good as any, he said kindly, though she knew she had interrupted him. Shall we walk? He hopped over the fence and joined her along the road. Whats on your mind?

Theres something Ive been thinking about. Ive given it a lot of prayer, and thought, and more prayer. And more thought. She had too. It was something she couldnt get out of her mind. The more she tried, the more she felt God pointing her in this direction. And it was a frightening direction. She wouldnt be in charge of her life, not anymore.

He cocked his head, listening intently.

I want to become Amish.

Caleb took off his hat and spun it around in his hands. You want to become Amish? he asked her. Amish go English, but English dont go Amish. At least, not very often. I can only think of a few converts. He looked up at the sky. Oh, lots of folks come and say they want a simpler life, but they dont last more than a few months. Its just too hard on them. The language, living without modern conveniences. They just didnt understand what theyd be giving up.

Their independence, she said quietly.

Yes. Exactly that. He looked at her, impressed. Folks dont realize that being Amish is much more than simple living. Its giving up self for the good of the community. Its giving up individual rights because youre part of a whole. Its called Gelassenheit. Theres not really a way to say what it means in English.

She nodded. I know enough about the Amish to know what youre getting at. But thats the very reason I want to become Amish. Her gaze shifted past him to the corn in the fields, swaying in the wind. For just that very reasonto be part of a whole. To belong. She crossed her arms against her chest. I dont know if you can understand this, but Ive never really belonged to anyone or anything. Until I was ten, I watched all of your families, always wishing I were part of one.

Caleb listened, spinning his hat. Have you thought of joining an English church? Wouldnt that give you what youre looking for?

She dropped her chin to her chest. Ive always belonged to God. Hes been the one thing Ive been able to count on. Ive always gone to church, even on my own, even when I was living with different foster families. She lifted her head. But theres still a part of me that wants something more. I thought finding a career would be the answer, so I saved up my money for culinary school. Thats where I was heading when I ended up in Stoney Ridge this summer. But now that Im here, I know its something else that I want. She swept her arm out in an arc and gathered her fist to her chest. I want this. She owed so much to the Amish. It was through them, years ago, when her sorry childhood was at its bleakest point, that she met the Lord. It was one of those mornings when Bertha let her tag along to church. Lainey couldnt understand much of the service, but there came a moment when she knew God loved her. It was during a hymn, a long, mournful Amish hymn, and it was as real as if God spoke to her, telling her that he knew her and loved her and not to worry. He would be watching out for her. She couldnt explain how or why, but she knew it was true, and that assurance had never left her.

Caleb looked at her with great sincerity. Being Plain... its not easy, Lainey, even for those of us born to it.

I know more about being Amish than you might think, she said. Do you remember Simon, Berthas brother?

He dropped his eyes. Of course.

Simon had it all wrong, about being Amish. Caleb was about to interrupt, but she put a hand up to stop him. She knew what he was going to say. Oh, I know he was excommunicated. But he was raised Amish and thought he understood what it meant. He emphasized all the wrong things. He would rail against pride and then scold my mother for decorating a birthday cake for me with icing. He would say God was watching everything we did, like an angry parent, then he would go out drinking until the wee hours.

She could see Caleb wasnt sure what she was trying to say. She tried to make it more clear, but this was hard. She was telling him things she had never told anyone else. Even back then, I knew he was missing the heart of it all. He didnt understand God the way I knew him, not at all.

Caleb raked a hand through his hair. I have to ask. Does this have anything to do with Jonah Riehl?

She looked at him, stunned.

I noticed the two of you talking together after church on Sunday.

Her eyes went wide with disbelief. Why would talking together make the bishop think she wanted to join the church? No! For heavens sake, no! Nothing could be further from the truth. Jonah will be leaving for Ohio any day now. Bess said hes planning to marry someone there. Im staying right here, in Stoney Ridge.

Caleb spun his straw hat around in his hands, around and around. She could see he was thinking hard. Spend one week without using electricity.

Laineys eyes went wide. What will I tell Mrs. Stroot at The Sweet Tooth?

He smiled. No. Not at the bakery. But at home. You might find yourself heavy-hearted in your soul for machine-washed clothes and flipping on a light switch and other things in life that you have taken for granted.

Lainey was sure she wouldnt be so heavy-hearted. She had grown up poor, accustomed to going without luxuries. Before I came to Stoney Ridge, I worked at a department store, listening to peoples complaints about the products they bought. She shook her head. All day long, I listened to complaints. It struck me one day that people were hoping these productsthese thingswould bring them happiness and satisfaction. But they never did. She looked up at him. Because they cant.

Caleb listened carefully to her. One week without electricity. Then well talk again. He put his hat back on his head and laid his hand on the fence post. Before turning to go back to work, he added, For now, Lainey, Id like you to keep this to yourself. Just something between you and the Lord God to work out. Ill be praying too.

She did write weekly to her two friends, Robin and Ally, but she would never dare tell them about this new plan. They would think she was certifiably crazy. Bess knows.

Caleb tilted his head and smiled approvingly. Then well keep this between the three of us. He jumped back over the fence.

Lainey watched the top of his straw hat until he disappeared among the cornstalks before she started back down the road. The funny thing was, going Amish was Besss idea in the first place, a week or so before Lainey went to church with her. Bess and Lainey were baking muffins one afternoon at the bakery and talking about what they imagined a perfect life to be. Lainey described growing up Amish, and Bess looked at her, surprised. Well, why dont you become Amish, then? Lainey laughed, but Bess persisted. I mean it. Why not?